the truth revealed..

this is a continuation to my previous post.. due to my uncertainty.. i called him to settle things up.. and guess what.. to my surprise.. he'd been expecting my call.. once i heard that.. i bombard him with questions.. in the same manner he did to me previously.. and how he was blown away by m questions.. and his answer was "it was all a game".. how furious was i at that time.. but he does admit to several other stuffs that i've thrown to him.. so, everything was cleared.. but still, i would never agree to any reconciliation offer.. our time has passed.. let it go..

then, i've been browsing through many blogs nowadays.. mostly of course my friends.. but there are also others who i had no idea of who they are.. and some were shocking.. recently.. there was an outbreak to write goodbye notes in your blog.. and most of them did this..and somehow.. they really know with who they were hanging out with.. i hardly know my classmate that well.. i only know their names and nothing more.. try my best not to meddle with peoples' lives.. maybe i'll do one later.. just maybe.. then, hidden secrets of others also were revealed.. who would have thought someone so innocent looking is so not the person they are looking in their actual life.. hehe.. life.. two faces.. hypocrisy.. funny how life plays with us..

*surprised*

hate the way you make me feel..

yesterday was someone's birthday.. we used to be an item.. but the relationship has ended.. so, i took no hardship to be the earliest to wish him happy birthday.. in fact.. i was among the last to wish him that.. so, late evening yesterday (around 5 something), i called him and wish him happy birthday.. and that was just the beginning.. he answered the phone with a very weird manner.. he was asking why i did not call him during the midnight.. he was asking why i am not the first person to wish him.. he was waiting for my call that night.. i was stunned.. he make me feel guilty.. how i hate that.. he was bombarding me with questions.. then, i said to him.. we are no longer one.. and he has someone else now.. he came to a long pause.. soon, he started talking about his birthday celebration.. how they pranked him.. covered him in slimy eggs, powdery flour and red rose syrup.. he became his own birthday cake.. i listened to it rather attentively.. but my mind is bothered by his questions.. why must you asked those questions to your ex?.. it just plain mind boggling..

it caused me to have a very bad depression yesterday.. i went to have my dinner alone.. sitting alone in the tv room.. listening to songs that reminded me of our previous relationship.. even my friends looked at me weirdly last night.. and later, when they wanted to study for today's exam.. i started being very active and crazy.. and my friends realised about that.. i tried asking them on that but all i got was weird answers that do not linked to the question at all.. then.. weird thoughts started streaming down.. i even made joke of someone just to make myself happy again.. and i started feeling happy again because crazy thoughts are apart of me.. and i have regained my conciousness if i started having weird and crazy thoughts again.. what a relief to know that.. but the fact that he asked me all those questions still bothers me.. maybe i'll talk to him..

*is he still into me?*
*Gravity - Sara Bareilles*

of tests and exams..

hmm.. recently, i've went through a lot of tests and exams.. it first started with Medsi, then the finals.. which was rather tough.. Medsi is a personality test which i've done with honesty and a pinch of hypocrisy.. well, sometimes, we need to lie in order to survive (there was even a question about whether have you ever lied before in your life).. hehe.. let just hope im shortlisted for the interview..

then, there was the finals.. the first two papers have passed.. and luckily so far, things seem to be good.. in my opinion la.. let just hope the lecturers think like that too.. then, it would be a pleasure.. fuhh.. tomorrow, 2 of the most contradict subjects will be tested.. grammar and literature.. one is so rigid while the other is so flexible.. hmm.. hope i will do well in both.. i need to..

for god ske knows why.. this semester has been harder than the previous one.. or is it me who stumbled and choked a lot this sem?.. i have no answer for that.. with the rise of the new contenders freaks me out.. suddenly my competition is way harder than before.. hate the competition but it drives me to work harder.. which is good.. but bad.. im indecisive about it.. but as long as i keep doing well in my studies.. i dont think i have to worry.. i supposed..

*i hate and love competition*
*indecisive*

of something not supposed to be done..

sometimes in life.. we do something that we are not supposed to do.. we did this things just to satisfy our desires.. that is what i have done.. i have chatted online with someone that im not supposed to talk again.. my ex.. which i left due to my principle in life.. although knowing how wrong is the act.. but i just do it because i need to.. and what a relief after doing it.. we talk about what have been happening in our life post-breakup.. how we found new things in life.. and how we missed the olden days.. taking a glimpse at *** for that two hours melted my heart.. how i missed ***.. i realised how much i love ***.. but we shall never be together.. because ** is married.. i want *** badly but i will never wreck someone mariage to please my desires.. so, i let *** be.. although it kills me inside..

then.. i talk to a friend of mine about my dissatisfaction towards him.. about relationships, regain self identity and getting into deep trouble.. we have talked about it.. although not thoroughly.. but just to make the murky situation more clearer.. and it did.. now we are better.. and let just hope no more things like this would happen again..

i realised how i have changed.. i am not the same person i used to be.. please accept the new me.. just like how i accepting my new self..

*relieved*

is this the end? part 2..

so, the final drama finally ends.. congrats to the teams which had won that nite.. especially doraemon.. u guys rocks... although my group did not win anything.. i dont really care.. this is all for fun.. dont take things too hard.. then.. u will lose all the fun.. but again.. congrats.. to group B also.. u guys are great actors.. that is all about drama.. i dont want to talk about this anymore.. on behalf of group A.. im so sorry to the others as some of them just got nasty mouths and dont know how to control them..

about reaching the end of the study here.. yeah, it is sad..especially after reading a lot of others' blog who wrote about this too.. yeah, i will surely miss this place and all of you guys.. you guys have teach me a lot about life.. love.. relationship.. friendship.. betrayal.. hatred.. agony.. pleasure.. and many more emotion.. my life here would be very dull and boring without you guys.. i will surely miss all the lectures with my lecturers.. and their pep talk.. they are great people.. they inspire people around them..

to my friends.. you guys complete me.. without you guys im nothing.. thanks for listening and sharing all my problems and giving me advices.. that really helps.. besides that, hearing you guys' stories make me feel like there is more to life than just me.. im not alone.. thanks for all the things..

this is to someone.. i just hope you realised what is your mistake and come to your senses.. i wont tell you what it is but realise it yourself.. im not someone who thinks that i know it all.. i know my limitation.. think deeply why im going away.. and believe me.. im not the only one..

that is it.. this might be the end of my asasi life.. here.. with you guys.. i will cherish this moment.. forever in my life..

*sad*

is this the end??

hah.. i've just done my final test before the actual final exam here.. that means.. my study here is about to come to an end.. is this for real?? sometimes i wonder.. it has been a lot since i first come here.. i have made friends.. lose some of them.. have awkward relationship with some.. study together.. face hardships together.. doing my work till late night due to procrastination.. feeling envious towards others results.. striving to look the best in front of all lecturers.. and many more.. is about to end soon.. very soon.. im rather sad when i think about this.. besides.. i still have certain issues here unresolved.. should i resolved them first.. or just let it be?? i will decide on that later.. for now.. i just want to taste the newly achived freedom.. before the final exam.. about my drama assessment.. i think i did good.. hope the judges think so.. hah.. i still cant believe this is happening..

*stunned*

a few moments away..

hah!! im only a few monent awya from performing on stage for my final drama assessment.. damn.. im nervous.. how am i going to do it.. will i be good.. plain.. or bad.. omg.. i am damn nervous about it.. let just pray everything will go smoothly.. i cant bear seeing everything fall into pieces.. after a few weeks of full commitment.. damn.. Huh.. huh..

*hopeful*

of emotion and experience..

huhu.. today, after my drama class.. dydy (my class rep) decided to make everyone stay in the class.. and give their speech.. it is like the final speech of the semester.. to all groupmates.. my family.. so, we all give our spontaneous speech.. some speech has implied meaning that need to be really examined in order to find its meanings.. while some are very straight forward.. some problems and questions are answered and some lash out what have been kept inside their heart for so long.. for some.. this might mean the usual goodbye speech.. as for some, these speeches have enlighten their life and let them know the actual feelings of their friends.. as for me.. i just kept on apoligising to all my friends and also to some others.. so sorry to my friends as i did not mention their names as i dont dare to rank them.. they are all to close to me and i shall never break their hearts by ranking them.. you guys are the greatest gift in my life.. thanks for the whole experience..

*relieved*

im feeling enlighted..

last night.. i went to bed with all these questions and depressions puzzling me.. i stare at the fan.. watch it turn around and around.. thinking about what had been bothering me these while.. only then it comes to my senses that it would not be depressing if i dont really think about it.. why am i thinking about it?? i question myself.. is it because i care and trying to find the best solution about the matters or i was just confused.. i cant really answer that.. but.. i have made up my mind.. not to think about those problems anymore.. i deserve to have a better life.. just like everyone else.. i will now think less and have more fun.. yes.. that is what im supposed to do since before.. so what.. if you so called friend b***hing around.. then, let the b***h alone.. that's it.. dont try to find issues with that person.. some are just born with that attitude.. let them be.. i just could not be bothered.. these people do not deserve anyone as friends..

*rather healed*
*Chasing Pavement- Adele*

im feeling depressed..

im so sorry.. i've promised that i would never write about anything sad or emo anymore in my blog but i just have to write them this time.. it has been weighing up in me for to long.. i just need a place to lash out all my emotion and tell people about it but actually im not telling them.. where would be nicer than my own blog..

i'm feeling depressed.. i got problem with some people.. i found it very hard to forgive others.. even to forgive myself.. i keep on blaming myself for whatever that has happened in my life.. i just submerged myself in self pity and hatred.. i want everything to be nice.. i dont want to be bad.. i had talking bad behind people.. i want to release my soul and emotion to the world without feeling fear.. sometimes, when i consider to forgive those people, something just stop me from doing it.. am i turning bad???

then, nowadays, i found interest in nothing.. not even in things that i used to enjoy and indulge in.. im turning cold.. i looked troubled.. everyone notices this.. i just could not help myself.. i looked like a mess.. believe me.. i sometimes feel disgusted with myself.. i hate my world.. im not as good as before.. why??.. am i sick?..

i hardly trust anyone right now.. i dont know who are real friends and who are not.. im confused.. im confused with people surrounding me.. my emotion.. my body.. my heart and soul.. im sick.. im depressed.. im manic.. i am anything but fine..