for now..

now.. im feeling more stable.. the chaos in my mind has toned down.. ahh.. what a blessing.. not being emo anymore.. im happier now.. but i dunno what make me feel better.. maybe it's about time for the chaos to go way.. i dunno for real but im happy for it.. hooray for sanity.. now is the fasting month as most of you have already know.. however, i dont really face hardship in constraining myself from food as im not really a big eater.. but, other lusts are controlling me then.. shopping, and especially... i dont think i need to explain the especially part because im sure most of you understand me.. haha.. but seriously.. it really is happening.. lame of me.. i could fight other things but that.. and i somehow dont really know whether i have close friend(s) or not because i always ended up being alone.. well, i chose to be alone.. haha.. but im okie with that.. at least i have more time for myself.. nowadays.. i dont talk much about my feelings to my friends already because im thinking of becoming someone new.. a bit more secretive than before.. a whole lot more mysterious.. and i wont be spreading morbidity anymore.. pity those people who were affected by my morbidity before.. and seeing my friends in the same place i've been earlier this year makes me look at life more positively.. it is not that bad.. i've went through it.. and now they are going through it.. so, everybody will go through that phase once or more time in life.. so, im not alone.. lol.. lame of me..

*right as rain*

losing identity..

i used to be at the top.. i used to.. but now is no longer.. im feeling that my wheel of fate has turned.. im now on the ground.. no longer way above.. im lower than those i felt superior before.. im worse than those i hate or look down before.. i have loss my old self.. im nothing now compare to anyone else.. i used to feel success.. and praises.. showering on me most of the time.. though there were failure before.. but now.. i feel like i've failed way before i even started.. smiles used to be carved on my face all the time before.. now, u can see the cloud on my face from miles away.. i used to look so happy and feel so lively.. now, all i feel is sadness and my face is ever gloomy.. i understand that success never comes easily.. but i felt defeated, even before i do anything.. i used to laugh loudly.. sincerely.. but now.. my laugh is rather full of hypocrisy.. i used to see life as meaningful.. there is always more to life.. but now.. i feel as if it is just a lie.. and death is so beautiful.. i used to cry.. to comfort my heart.. but now.. my tears never streamed down anymore.. it is overwhelmed by my ego and arrogance.. im used to be conquered by pride..now, envy takes that place.. and maybe sloth too.. with a bit of wrath.. with pure lust and greed.. luckily no gluttony.. i have lost the old ME.. what is left is just an insignificant entity..

*lost*

peace at heart...

for the past recent years of my life.. my heart was never at peace.. there are always something that would bother me.. and somehow i cant get out from the turmoil.. and still i dunno why these things keep happening to me.. last year has been very dramatic as i go through life changing phases and learn more about life and what it can give you.. this year, my life is more subtle, but still, no peace at heart.. im still troubled by things.. things that i never intended to think at first, yet it finds it way to my mind.. and my emotion has been so unstable until i could like and hate a person at the same moment.. can you just imagine that.. but mostly the turmoil are cause by none other but love.. haha.. the things that some people chase the most.. i tend to get myself into relationship that is so crappy until sometimes i wonder will it ever works.. lol.. and nowadays, if there is anything that is disturbing me.. i wont share it.. but i would make it so personal and i hate that thing.. i just keep on piling up more and more emotion.. and never express them.. maybe im scared that people will perceive me as bad.. whatev.. i feel so helpless and powerless right now.. im no longer the guy who would stand for what he want and care less about what others feel.. arghh.. what i really want right now is peace at heart.. get away from all my problem..

*looking for peace*

post bahasa melayu ke2... tak paham..

hari rabu lepas aku masuk kelas manusia z lagi. hmm.. sbb ada pembentangan drpd kumpulan kwn aku.. so, ni kira nk sokong kwn punya kes la ni.. wlupn aku dh agak klas tu sumpah boring.. tp, aku gagahkn diri gak.. tp sbnrnya aku tgh wat assignment yg x siap dlm klas tuh. hehe.. smbil aku mendengar pembentangan kwn aku yg panjang berjela tu.. aku trus membuat kerja kau yg x siap2 tu.. tp ari ni aku prasan ada ketidakpuasan
hati terpamapang di muka manusia z.. cam x puas ati je.. pikir aku sendirian.. apa la dia nk komen lak ari ni.. dan kwn aku plak ari tu sgt la hipokrit sbb dia x ska pn apa yg dia ckp ari tu.. tp demi markah, dia wat la gak.. akhirnya, setelah dkat 40 minit berckp smpai bersembur-sembur air liur, pembentangan pn tamat.. aman skit dunia.. tiba2, manusia z bgn drpd kerusi dan mula memberi komen.. spt biasa, x kna ngan tjuk la.. x ckup isi la, apa la.. mcm2 la.. lol.. tiba2, dia mula bercerita camne spatutnya presentation tu diadakan.. dan drpd apa yg aku dgr, itu cerita dr pandangan dia yg dh lahir pd zaman tu, bkn sume leh cri kat buku.. adakah motif dia nk suruh kitorg pergi ke masa lepas dan amik sumber kat sana?.. aku makin x phm dgn manusia z ni.. mgkn cara terbaik nk wat pembentangan dlam klas dia adalah dgn lahir lebih awl ke dunia ni.. bru kita tau sume aspek.. ntah ape2 ntah..

*pening aku*

as the time goes..

hmm.. looks like it's ramadan again.. a month full of blessing for those who seek for it.. as for me.. this will be the month i leave almost all my bad habit and try to be a new person.. in this month also.. i hope i could find happiness and peace that i've been longing for ages.. it has left me for quite sometime.. and this s the time to get things organised.. dont let external factors meddle with my mind anymore.. which i really hope i could do.. i have a few assignment that are needed to be done in this coming weeks and yet.. i still haven't done any.. lol.. that is lame of me.. should have done it earlier.. haha.. and my trust is gaining on people.. i've become less skeptic.. which is good.. living in paranoia is bad.. you think everyone is bad.. it kills you.. then, just when i thought i could fall for someone.. hmm, nope.. i cant do it.. that person is somehow taken.. fine, im okie with it.. besides, i never planned to make the first move.. i just like to see.. not to have.. for now.. my mind is more stable.. i just think about work and work.. no more about life.. im fine with being solitary.. such denial words.. haha..

*follow the flow*

lame of me..

i found this phrase to be very interesting.. been using it a lot nowadays.. for goddamn no reason.. haha.. lame of me.. one example of lame of me.. i want to do my assignment.. yet i didnt bring any material to assist me.. even worse, i dont even remember what my assignment is all about.. and i just took a book without even knowing whether the content is relevant ot me or not.. haha.. that's just lame rite.. and nowadays, people need to repeat what they want to say to me because it took me several second to understand what are they trying to say.. my processor has downgraded.. haha.. again.. lame of me..

*feeling lame*

Love is in the air..

Seriously.. love is in the air.. mostly everyone is in love.. and it is a good sign.. really?? I cant say for sure.. for those who are in love.. it might be good for them.. for the singles.. just like yours truly.. it is sugar and spice combined together.. I feel the sweetness of love that those people are having while feeling the hotness of envy from my ever aching heart.. lol.. lame of me.. and what is worse than just see ur friends in love?? It is keep them company to go anywhere.. arghh.. the envy is killing me slowly.. and looking at the affection between these couples kills me inside and make me think more of why am I alone.. and finding out my other friends who never came out with love rumors suddenly admit he/she is taken kills me even more.. and somehow make me think.. has my time to feel love again has passed.. and I shall now live in solitary.. okie.. that sound a bit pessimistic.. haha.. lame of me again.. seriously.. I never thought being out of love could be this depressing.. although I am interested in starting a new relationship.. but revising through my past experiences.. im scared I might break another heart due to my ignorant and care-less behavior.. I don’t really understand others.. but love is worth trying rite?? Will I commit to love again.. I have no answer for that..

*miss being loved and to love someone*

trying something new.. Bahasa Melayu

hari ini aku nk cuba sesuatu yg baru.. menulis blog dalam bahasa melayu.. haha.. mmg agk lwk bla aku pkr ttg apa yg aku nk wat ni.. tp truskan saja.. tp maaf ye.. sumenya dlm bahasa singkatan.. agk mganbil masa klu nk tulis pnuh2.. lmbt sgt.. okie, topik ari ni.. apa lg klu bkn aku dan falsafah cintaku..

aku slalu tpkir, nape byk org ske sgt nk kuar ngan org yg kacak atau cantik? sbb nk kna puji ke? sbb nk menunjuk ke? silap2 apa yg diorg dpt cumalah kutukan percuma drpd org sekeliling yg x abis2 membandingkn kita ngan org kat sblh kita tu.. dan sejujurnya, x seronok mana pn kuar ngan org kacak/cantik ni.. diorg pn org gak.. ada mcm2 prangai.. ada yg sronok wat berbual.. ada yg bosan thp nk mampos.. ada yg asyik nk ckp psl dri sndri je.. ada lak yg tgh kuar ngan kita, leh lak pndg org len.. tp tu lah.. bkn diorg je wat cam2.. kita yg biasa2 ni pn sma je kan.. jgn igt sbb paras rupa diorg ni menarik.. diorg tu myeronokkan.. ada gak yg muka sgt kacak/cantik.. tp keyakinan dri.. hmm, sgt rendah.. slalu kt diorg tu hodoh la, buruk la, gmuk la.. haish, x phm aku.. dh Tuhan kurniakan klebihan, trima je la.. ni x, nk kutuk2 lg.. kang kna amik lek, bru nk nyesal.. hargai apa yg kita ada.. jgn menghina.. ha, ni satu lg prangai.. ada lak yg suka membangga dri ngan rupa diorg.. mmg la kau tu kacak/cantik.. tp itu x memberi kau hak nk mgata org len.. kutuk pn xnak berigt2.. apa2 pn.. igtla.. diorg pn manusia gak.. jgn mgharp mlampau drpd diorg..

hah, tu je la yg aku nk tulis wat masa ni.. ada masa aku cuba lg.. sbenarnya, kacak/cantik atau x ni x pntg sgt (agk pntg. utk imej).. yg pntg samada kita syg org tu dan org itu syg kita.. trima satu sama len seadanya.. bersyukur ngan apa yg kita ada..

*sedar hakikat hidup*

being alone..

okie.. let me tell u guys something about myself.. although im always seen with frieds all around me.. im actually is a loner.. i somehow love to live in secrecy.. doing everything on my own. sitting alone in a dark room.. only me and no one else.. sometimes, i dont understand myself either.. i dont find people's company to be bad.. but i prefer being alone.. like my friend once said to me.. " u always have your private time for yourself sai..".. it is nothing bad about having friends around.. but i tend to get irritated when they are always around.. no offense.. but sometimes i dont feel like talking to anyone.. and i think my friends do notice about my behaviour.. lol.. of course they realise.. but why do i like being alone.. it is boring and up to an extend.. tiring for doing nothing.. but ot is the freedom of being who i want to be is the pleasure that im looking for.. again.. like what i always say about myself.. im not who they think i am.. and sometimes when im alone.. memories starts coming back.. and some are sweet while some are haunting.. bad memories that i dont want to remember anymore.. call me selfish.. call me emo.. i dont really care because this is what i am.. a big, fat loner..

*lonely*

about me..

hmm.. nowadays, i have being having one of the weirdest problem of all.. exposing my secrets by accident.. although for some it might be okie.. but for me it means more than that.. it is about my openness with the others.. maybe i think it is the time for me to start sharing my experiences in life before.. my life was destroyed before.. and i think im somehow doing some charity by sharing it with others.. although charitable was never one of my virtue since before.. for some, sharing their dark past is quite embarrassing especially if it is full of nasty things you have done before.. but for me let just share it so that it could stray the others from going to it.. im done being a goodie two shoes.. it is just tiring to be someone you are not.. and somehow still have your dignity and morale with you all the time..

it never rain.. it pours..

huhu.. looking at the title might make you think that im going to talk about the ever changing weather.. but nope.. it is about misfortune.. can you just imagine it starts as early as 8.00 in the morning.. okie.. i was having a sausage bun which was filled with ketchup and mayonnaise.. and someone came and approach my friend who was next to me.. and he greeted me to.. and i think i gave him some of my ketchup to his palm.. lol.. bad me.. then, i realised that there were spots of ketchup on my shirt.. s**t, why must it be there.. so i went to the toilet to clean it up.. and again.. somebody accidentally press the soap dispenser too hard until the soap spurts all over my back.. say what!! and my day was yet to start and these doesnt looked good.. luckily there was my jacket.. my baby nescafe as being called by my friends.. so, it becomes my shirt of the day.. then, the class starts and what i get was only confusions and more confusion.. i dont get what my instructor wants.. nobody is perfect in his eyes.. then, i move on to the next class.. major catastrophe.. i accidentally spurt one of the biggest secret about me to the rest of my classmates and it somehow brings horror to my lecturer.. and everyone else who doesnt know me.. my friends were saying you had kantoi.. big time this time.. i was flushed.. my face was red.. im ashamed.. felt like dying that instant.. and names starts coming out from my friends' mouth.. haish.. and i had to endure it for the whole day.. how am i going to face my classmates and lecturer later.. AAAAHHHHH.. MALU SIOT...

*embarrassed to the limit*