im feeling depressed..

im so sorry.. i've promised that i would never write about anything sad or emo anymore in my blog but i just have to write them this time.. it has been weighing up in me for to long.. i just need a place to lash out all my emotion and tell people about it but actually im not telling them.. where would be nicer than my own blog..

i'm feeling depressed.. i got problem with some people.. i found it very hard to forgive others.. even to forgive myself.. i keep on blaming myself for whatever that has happened in my life.. i just submerged myself in self pity and hatred.. i want everything to be nice.. i dont want to be bad.. i had talking bad behind people.. i want to release my soul and emotion to the world without feeling fear.. sometimes, when i consider to forgive those people, something just stop me from doing it.. am i turning bad???

then, nowadays, i found interest in nothing.. not even in things that i used to enjoy and indulge in.. im turning cold.. i looked troubled.. everyone notices this.. i just could not help myself.. i looked like a mess.. believe me.. i sometimes feel disgusted with myself.. i hate my world.. im not as good as before.. why??.. am i sick?..

i hardly trust anyone right now.. i dont know who are real friends and who are not.. im confused.. im confused with people surrounding me.. my emotion.. my body.. my heart and soul.. im sick.. im depressed.. im manic.. i am anything but fine..