i feel empty inside..

once i found out about the truth my friend had told me earlier from another friend.. my heart just became empty. all emotion were sucked away and what is left is just a empty space to be filled with who knows what.. maybe sorrows or happiness.. it is my choice.. but for now. it is empty. nothing to fill it with. let fill my brain with studies so that i could forget the emptiness in my heart.

guess you wont be towering in front of me anymore, Tower, since you're going away to USA this August. i wish you all the best and i should say, you gave my life a meaning before. you inspired me and you made life so wonderful just by knowing your existence....

gosh, who am i lying by writing all these flowery words.. what i should say is how shattered is my heart currently when i heard that news. how i lost my drive to do everything. how i cried when i know i will never see you anymore.. how much i want to say my heart out to you.. how i feel like an idiot for liking someone who dont even acknowledge my existence.. that is what i should write about.. about how stupid i am for you.. you made me make a fool of myself.. Gosh, F**k that i love you.. i hate you because i love you so much..without even doing anything.. by just be there for my eyes to see and for my senses to savour..

gosh, i am barely holding on right now.. i am going to stop thinking about you.. for now.. going to focus on something else.. like studies.. why this thing always happened during examination season.. this happened last two years and history is repeating itself..

*angrily sad*

You still listen and attend to my stories..

You used to be someone special to me. But before that happened, you were my comfort. I still remember the first time we went out together as so called special friend and I met up with my ex, how you comforted me and defended me in front of my ex, although we finally ended up being friends. But still, my happiness was always your main priority. But then we got into special relationship. And I should say I love you for who you are, not for how you look because I have to choose between you or another hotter person. It’s your personality and behavior that grabbed my heart and finally become one with you. However it did not last long and we broke up. You made me cried in public :(

However, the main thing here is, post breakup and you still listen to my stories and problems. You were also always ready to give me the comfort like you used to give me back when we were 17 and 20. You even lean a shoulder to me to cry on (literally on webcam, silly you) even though you are thousand miles away in Aussie. Gosh, you are like a sibling I never had in my life. Hell yeah, I miss you.

You make me feel safe knowing you are always behind me no matter what happened to me. You are the best person I’ve known who could handle me on my worst day and still love me all the way. Seriously, leaving you was a mistake but at least we are still friends and I just like the way we are now. Sometimes, we are destined to be friends than to be partners. Love ya so much. There are always reasons behind everything that happened. Haha, your favourite line..

*glad that you’re here although far away*

When you are no longer there, you took my heart away too..

I used to say, you meant nothing to me. I don’t like you. You are just another person at the same place as I am. Your presence does not excite me. And many more words just to show how insignificant are you in my life. It was all a lie. Only now that I realised about it. I thought the feeling for you really died. Well, I guess it is not. It is still so strong.

Now, going to the faculty is a dread for me. Since I know there will no chance for us to meet one another anymore. Although we never talked to one another, but just seeing you is enough to make me happy. I never knew you were of such importance in my life. Gosh, it has been a while since someone make me like this. And you, yes you, the one who never knew me and the one I admire from distance and sometimes from near, is the one that make me feel this way again. You just don’t know how much I need you.

Your presence is the one I look for every time I am at the faculty. The sight of you would be the greatest vista for me. And you were the reason for my presence there too. Now that you are no longer there, there is no reason for me to be there. It is like taking the sun away from my sky. Faculty looked like a gloomy place for me now without your presence. If before it was my safe haven, now it is nothing but just a few buildings that provide me a place to study and sit for examination. It is no longer the place of excitement, of great emotion and of course, of love. You make all this possible. Seriously, you have such a great impact in my life, without even knowing it and even knowing me.

How I wished I have a chance to talk to you and just say everything that is in my heart to you. But I am too timid to do so since you are just too far from me. Not physically but emotionally. We came from different worlds and our worlds hardly collide with one another. Besides, it will be so wrong if I do that since it is against every rule to do such action. But the feeling for you is just too strong and sometimes it is unbearable.

I know you know about how happy I am every time we met each other. You could see the glow in my eyes. But of course you could not do anything about it, since we never know each other. But seriously, most of the smiles that I carved at the faculty are related to you. You are my shining sun, higher than any knight in shining armor; you are the tower that kept me safe with warmth and happiness inside.

That is you to me, Tower, that will be the name I would call you now. You are more than just another crush for me. You are The Crush of my life to date. Never have I had such strong feeling towards someone like I have for you. If only you know how much you meant in my life. Now that you are no longer here in the faculty, you took my heart away with you…

*missing and demotivated*

Have I made a mistake that I am going to regret?

Knowing me, I always doubt every single decision that I have made in life. Some turned out good, but some are seriously bad decision-making. Thus, another question popped in my mind lately. It is about my decision for my minor subject. Everyone who knows me was shocked when I said I choose counseling over literature. They all said for someone like me, known for my artistic ability, it is unlikely that I would take up counseling since it is all factual and no art appreciating action is in it. Thus, this triggers me to question myself has I done the right thing?

At first, I tend to ignore this. But day by day, the question keeps getting louder and louder in my mind. The reason why I avoid literature is I was intimidated by the subjects and stories behind it, about how hard it is going to be, how strict the lecturers and most of all are, how it can affect my grades. All these bring to the decision of taking up counseling. Something that I don’t put my heart into but it ensures me success. Maybe I learn to love it along the way, but for now, my heart is not for it.

Whatever it is, I just hope the future has something good in store for me. If it is a bad decision, I still have to carry it on for the next 3 years, and if it is good, thank goodness that I have made that choice. Okie, later..

*doubting*

many of the things that i do not know..

lately, i have learnt a lot in life.. especially things revolving around me.. about the people around me.. about issues around..everything around me.. well, it is never too late to learn anything right?? anyway, here are my stories..

i used to hate, no that is too harsh, dislike this one person.. i dont think that he is good enough for my friend.. i am like a mother.. i always hate my friends' partners, i see them like a mother sees the about to be child-in-law.. back to the stories, i used to hate this partner of my friend for quite some time.. due to his behaviour and how he treated my friend.. but, lately, been seeing him and getting to know him.. i just realised that he is not that bad.. kinda nice actually.. but the most important thing is he made my friend feels happy.. so, im okie with him now.. then, there is this another guy who is currently dating another friend of mine.. seriously, i dont like him.. and to know things from my other friends about him made me hate him more.. damn.. i wish that particular friend of mine get to know this before it is too late..

then, that day i was on the way to my home, i saw a grafitti.. okie, that is usual.. but the content is shocking.. it writes " Malaysia suffers because of independence from Britain".. i was shocked!! whatta.. some people think it is better to be colonialised that being free.. lame.. seriously.. huhu.. they rather being ruled by those who have no knowledge over them than building the country based on their own mould.. Gosh, people, you should lived in prison than.. there is no need for decision making there..

anyway, those are what i've learn lately.. i hope to learn more..life is an on-going education, isn't it..

*learning*

Am I too proud to love anyone??

The recent Corrine Bailey Rae song, I’d Do It All Again has deep meaning in my life. It makes me realize, am I the dysfunctional partner in my relationships? Well, I guess I am. Since all breakups was done by me.. I was so afraid of being dumped, I dumped people instead. I can’t handle bad situation. For me, all I can do when trouble arises is run. Yes, run away from all the problems. But, actually the problems never leave me. They were always by my side. Only that I did not see them. And I bring them to the next relationships that I got myself into. And the problems continue. It was never resolved. Since they exist within me, with my knowledge but concealed by denial.

I asked a friend about the title; he said yes, I am too proud to love someone. I care about my pride more than doing what I am supposed to do. Love someone honestly. So, I was right about myself, I am proud. Love is not the strongest power in my case since it loses to Pride. Then, I called those whom I used to be with. Asked them the same question and the results are the same. They said I am proud but I do it subtly until they sometimes mistake it for Sloth. Among the answers were:-

“You were one of the biggest troublesome I had in my life, but I bear with it since I loved you with all my heart. I never know your actual feelings since you hid them well, behind those emotionless face that hardly smile, laugh or even cry. You were proud. You don’t want to be seen as weak so you make others lose their strength when they are with you.”

“I have no idea whether you love me or not most of the time. You were stern and harsh at times. There was once I asked you to do something that is not your thing for me, but you refused. Not because you can’t do it but you were afraid of how will you look if you did it. So, I guess you are proud of yourself and you put loving others at somewhere below than second place. Surely not second.”

Can you believe that all came from the mouth of people who used to date me. Oh my, am I evil or what. When they say this, I could sense a sense of relieve gushing out from their breath. Maybe they kept this long enough until once given the chance to express, they explode. Fine, I’ll take your words. All of them.
But, can I do anything to this? It is just me. I was built this way. It is going to be hard to be someone I am not. Guess I will be facing this whole wide world alone unless there is someone who are destined to be with me. Damn, who the heck is that unlucky person? Pity you for being with me.

*stick to myself*

1st time.. and i broke something..

hahaha, today was a fun day.. although it started rather gloomy since we were given the slap of reality by one of my lecturer.. concerning a course and the way we have gone too.. we are going for worst instead of better.. scary.. then, still sad for the loss of my beloved pendrive which contains all my hardwork.. huhu.. i dont know whether i could find it anymore.. huhu, now, i need to start everything from scratch.. but this can be done.. i believe in myself..

back to the title.. i played bowling for the first time in my life.. yup, for almost two decade of my life, not once have i played bowling.. and i finally broke it today.. it was easier than what i have thought of it.. the ball was not THAT heavy although it is heavy nonetheless.. the first time i throw the ball, and it glides and finally hits the pins, i was happy.. hey, it was my first time.. haha, but by the second throw, i started feeling weird as i felt a rush of pain on my thumb.. huhu, i broke a nail.. say what?? i broke a nail due to bowling.. and the worst is that it started bleeding by the fourth throw.. but i did not stop me from playing.. i put on plasters (yup, two of them) and continued playing.. haha.. all the pain was covered by the fun.. although my hand was literally shaking..

another thing that happened was on the way to the mall.. there was a time where my friend wanted to sit on a seat next to a girl.. she just gave instruction to the girl to move aside as if she was worthless.. only later that she realised what she had done.. haha, you think you're the diva? guess what? LATER!!

that is all for now...

*tired*

of seeing you and feeling nothing..

okie, now, i am going to talk about my emotion.. i know i promised not to talk about this but come to think again, this was the basis of my blog and changing this means changing the whole reason i started blogging.. so, my blog is all about my emotion and let me just say, it is a rocky and unstable one.. huhu..

so, remember i keep saying that i have a crush on two people at one time.. mostly not because of look although i have to admit that they are HOT!! okie, can you say that Edward Cullen is not hot?? NO! and can you say a rich boy with fair skin and that arrogant yet mysterious look is not sexy and hot? NO AGAIN!.. haha.. well, let me just say that my feelings for them has lessen down to the limit that i could missed them even when they were walking right next to me.. if not, i would go Gaga if they even come to sight.. now, i just see them as another person continuing their study at the same place as i am..

okie, i felt nothing now when i see them.. and i was like questioning myself why did this happened.. i may be changing for the better.. i hope.. at least im going the right way, am i?? i am going to get rid of all the label that people used to give to me.. i will go against all those labels.. i am a new person.. i chose to reborn.. into a new person...

*transform*

what has happened???

i think i am changing right now. i mean both physically and emotionally. most of people said that i look thinner nowadays although what i feel is i put on more weight. well, maybe i still could not get over my anorexic mindset just yet. do not worry, it is going to go away soon, i hope (pray hard, real hard). then, emotionally, i think im returning to the right path. i start looking at the right direction. the opposite. not the same. and obscenities sometimes arise in my little mind seeing this. haha, never did see that coming to me. i am somehow happy with this change and most of my friends too. they are glad at least one good thing has happened to me. they were a bit wondering when i uttered some weird lines which i never uttered before, once they figured out the actual situation they were like 'yeay'ing for me as if i had accomplished something big. maybe it is big. who knows.

as for the L word, i could just say, i am not so ready for one. i am still comfortable being alone for now. currently i do have someone but i am in the process of letting that someone go since i don't think i could commit to the whole relationship and i somehow not interested in having a relationship now as i see the one that particular someone is offering is so against who i am now. so, sorry Sayang but you just have to find someone else. there are other men who are better than i am. i am just not made for you. you are perfect, but not for me. sorry to play with you. (just in case, i talked to the someone already about this, i am so not breaking up on blog.. euww, disgusting). as for my crushes, i don't have any anymore. i lost my interest on both of them. one due to true colours and the other because the feelings has died in me. sorry guys, you just lost a fan. a stalker actually. hahaha..

oh, this is recent. i just did a test on one of the toughest subject in my studies. and i could conclude the test as a big headache, literally. OMG, it was too painful for my head to bear until i did not even check for my final answers as the pain was killing me. and my instructor was giving me the cynical smile all the way through the exam. she knew i was in pain. maybe it satisfied her as before i was so relaxed when i answered her test before. she finally got her vengeance on me. okie, you win. i don't hate you, i want to be like you. and i will be, someday. till then, i must work hard.

that is all for now..

*changed*

PEN.. is all I want..

just got back from Low Yat plaza. went there with two purpose; first, sending my friend’s Macbook for repair and second, have fun with PEN.. oh, Pen is actually a camera from Olympus. has been wanting it since forever but just don’t have the privilege of money to have one.. huhu. so sad.. but who cares.. if you cant have it, doesn’t mean you can’t play with it.. hey, we are customer, they supposed to entertain us okie.. :)

then, after sending my friend’s Macbook, we went straight to the booth which previews the PEN.. OMG, there it is.. one of the most magnificent piece on earth.. i was speechless when i saw it.. i want it.. badly.. and the sight of it is just amazing.. then, i touched it.. Gosh, so close yet so far.. exploring the functions has done nothing but killing me inside, slowly as it amazed me with what it can do.. but, i can’t have it.. huhu.. maybe later, but not now.. economy is at its lowest in Psy’s kingdom..

well, after playing with it and given tutorial by the shopkeeper, i am more determined to have one than before.. PEN, i will have you someday.. although you going to cost me quite a fortune..

here is the pic of it.. behold its magnificence..


PEN E-PL1.. want it so bad..