Sunday, April 11, 2010

Am I too proud to love anyone??

The recent Corrine Bailey Rae song, I’d Do It All Again has deep meaning in my life. It makes me realize, am I the dysfunctional partner in my relationships? Well, I guess I am. Since all breakups was done by me.. I was so afraid of being dumped, I dumped people instead. I can’t handle bad situation. For me, all I can do when trouble arises is run. Yes, run away from all the problems. But, actually the problems never leave me. They were always by my side. Only that I did not see them. And I bring them to the next relationships that I got myself into. And the problems continue. It was never resolved. Since they exist within me, with my knowledge but concealed by denial.

I asked a friend about the title; he said yes, I am too proud to love someone. I care about my pride more than doing what I am supposed to do. Love someone honestly. So, I was right about myself, I am proud. Love is not the strongest power in my case since it loses to Pride. Then, I called those whom I used to be with. Asked them the same question and the results are the same. They said I am proud but I do it subtly until they sometimes mistake it for Sloth. Among the answers were:-

“You were one of the biggest troublesome I had in my life, but I bear with it since I loved you with all my heart. I never know your actual feelings since you hid them well, behind those emotionless face that hardly smile, laugh or even cry. You were proud. You don’t want to be seen as weak so you make others lose their strength when they are with you.”

“I have no idea whether you love me or not most of the time. You were stern and harsh at times. There was once I asked you to do something that is not your thing for me, but you refused. Not because you can’t do it but you were afraid of how will you look if you did it. So, I guess you are proud of yourself and you put loving others at somewhere below than second place. Surely not second.”

Can you believe that all came from the mouth of people who used to date me. Oh my, am I evil or what. When they say this, I could sense a sense of relieve gushing out from their breath. Maybe they kept this long enough until once given the chance to express, they explode. Fine, I’ll take your words. All of them.
But, can I do anything to this? It is just me. I was built this way. It is going to be hard to be someone I am not. Guess I will be facing this whole wide world alone unless there is someone who are destined to be with me. Damn, who the heck is that unlucky person? Pity you for being with me.

*stick to myself*


spAn_kUrAk said...

then u'll just have to find someone who's prouder than u.
emotional combat! :DDDD