Getting off focus.. again..

I told myself a thousand times. This semester will be better than the previous and I will put my focus solely on my studies. Hmm, looks like the whole telling yourself scheme has yet to show success. Instead, nowadays I go to classes with an annoyed face and a deep reluctance settled on my face, mind and soul. To be honest, I do not get it why? It is a self planned plan and I still fail to do so. I feel down with myself.

Due to this behaviour also, I have been sensing that some lecturers have started to feel annoyed and has started not liking me. What?! That is something new to me. Okie, not that new. I am always hated by at least one lecturer due to my attitude. Well, imagine having a student who comes to class, sits at the back, put on an annoyed face and do other work while the lecturer is teaching. Well, that student is me. So, I am quite used to being not liked. But usually this situation is fixed after a few weeks due to my participation in class later. But this time, I did not even have the effort to participate at all. Gosh, I have gone astray from my focus. Again.

I need to rethink about my focus again. I have to take a deep breath and set my focus again.

*thinking*

Lost..

Lost..

Being in a car for an extra one hour and a half is nothing cool. Your emotion starts going unstable. At first, you feel normal and determined to reach your destination. The mood of everyone will be all okie, friendly talks happen and discussion on what to do once we reach the place.

Then, you missed an exit. You start feeling the worry but it still does not bother you much for you have faith that the next exit will be the exit where you could make a turn to the place you are going. Now, you are one hopeful person. Then, once you see the next exit, you enter it; with hope soaring high in your mind and heart.

Then, you reach a place which seems to be a place of never-ending residential area. You start having panic attack but you try your best to stay calm. You still talk normally but this time, you could hear annoyance and unsure vibes coming from the speech. You will just follow your gut and do what you think is right to do to get out from the place. In the mean time, you look around and realise a lot of things. Among them is the place you wanted to go yesterday which were difficult to reach but now, it is right in front of your eyes.

Then, you keep on moving but to no avail. Your destination is nowhere near in sight and you start to feel anxious and angsty. You still talk but the soul is no more. You are now a Leona and emo-ness creeps in the void left by normal emotion. You start think everything negatively. Tension can be sensed filling the confined area of the car. This time, you only talk when it is necessary and when something went wrong add to your negativity. Giving up is now an option. Rationale is at its lowest. You can make decision correctly. You feel a rush of emotion: sad, angry, about to cry etc.

The journey continues. You seriously do not know what to expect. You start feeling a little bit light headed. You had nothing to put your faith on. You just go with the flow. Although we all know that deep in your heart, hope still lingers and want to make a break.

When you think everything is in vain, suddenly you see a familiar road: The road which will direct you to the destination. At first, you will feel hesitation in your mind because everything looks too good to be true but you want to believe it since you got nothing to lose now: You already lost something. You just follow the road and finally reach the destination. Seriously, at this time, your heart will be filled with a great sense of relief and you will just laugh about what has happened earlier.

*actually this is what happened to me last Sunday when I was on the way to my friend’s sister’s house. We got lost for more than 2 hours and we were on the verge of becoming crazy. Haha

*crazy*

Plans that became reality..

Yesterday, before all of us went our own way, we said to one another tomorrow we will see my friend perform (sing) at a carnival (in the university, not any circus or funfair) and go to the flea market in PJ. Being a pessimist I am famous for, I nod with doubts filling my anticipation. I even sleep at very late since I am not confident about executing the plan. However, things worked out differently. I did go through everything planned, with extra things along the way.

I did wake up on time and catch my friend performed in front of the public. She was great. Her pronunciation in Japanese is something to be envied of. Man, not in a million years can I be good like her. I better stick to French. Oh yeah, the carnival however, was dull. Seriously, less than 10 booths? Not a carnival as far as I am concerned. Although the food look not so appealing, but some of my friend did buy some. I wanted that raw white tuna sushi (if you are a real Japanese food fan, you will know how rare is that) but I was too late. Better luck next time. Then, we made our move to a kopitiam to have our brunch (to be honest, I cannot recall the last time I had by proper 2 time breakfast and lunch, it is always combined).

Then, we had our brunch. Some with their ever so fancy phone (well at least compared to mine) surf the net and start tweeting about the topics and what we are doing at the kopitiam. Haish, life nowadays and social networking just cannot be separated. Suddenly my friend who suggested the plan to PJ sort of wanted to bail out since the place is quite alien to her and she wanted to avoid nag and confrontation. At that time, my doubt was satisfied but not for long. We decided to go along with the plan.

Get lost along the way. Expected. What?! The place is alien to us as mentioned earlier. But we did arrive at the place. Lost again. This time, in the building. Ask a promoter and guess what is the reaction? She answered it well but in the same sentence she promoted the product she supposed to promote. Super cool. The sentence is nowhere near congruence but she just go with it. Girl, you made my day. Thanks to the info, we found the place.

Upon arrival, all I could see is FASHION items. Cute! I love all of it. How I wish I could buy them all and wear them. But those are dreams. Made on sweet clouds, nice to see but to hold is impossible. Well, let just say, I circled the place a few times and help my friend picked an item. A cool pinecone-like ring. Another friend of mine got to meet her favourite blogger. Good for you girl. Oh, I missed a part at the flea market. Can you imagined that? I circled and missed a spot. How weird. Whatevs.

Then, we headed home. To be honest, by that time, sleepiness crept in and I tried to control my yawn most of the time. Finally, after dropping two of my friends, we headed home (we here is my another friend and I). Getting out from the car became a mission impossible when we were too tired and I seriously felt my leg wobbled around. Huhu, talk about how shopping can drench your spirit, looks like your physical too. Once we reached home, we find the best spot and lay our body to get the proper rest it should get.

All in all, I am happy that the plan goes as planned. Hope for more adventure later.

*happily tired*

Like seriously?

Imagined being in a class, with an instructor who has years of experience in the field he or she is teaching and referred by others as an expert, suddenly says to everyone in the class not to ask deep questions since she or he is not really understand what the topic is all about. Seriously, that happened to me recently. To be honest, the moment I heard this, I freaked out. How is the person going to mark my papers correctly when her or his understanding is not that high? Besides, the language proficiency of the person is also not that high. Worst of all, the person is also the core person of the subject. Seriously, I am scared.

What if I write the answers according to the book but not the way the person deciphered it? Will I get the marks that I deserved? So many questions are playing in my mind since the person showed me the incompetency. I pray for the best and I really mean it. I just hope our mind sync and the answers that I will give are according to the person’s understanding.

*freaked out*

Sadness, I just don’t get you..

These few days, my life has been upside down. My mood swings extremely fast. I am easily saddened by anything lovely. I seriously recalled my previous relationships and every memory hurts me to the limit. I have been crying silently in my sleep. I somehow do not see the purpose of living at some point and at times, I just want to give up on everything. Including life. I had a feeling like my depression was returning back to me. OMG, I do not want that to happen again. So today, I going to lash out all my sorrow and despair on a piece of paper, write myself a poem about how my heart feels and finally let go of the sadness.
Seriously, I don’t really get it why I feel such way in the first place. It is not like people from my past come back and haunt me or sort. It just came without my notice. All I know, suddenly I am troubled by my memories. Let it be sad or happy, every memory hurts. So, I thought to myself, it is about time I take control of myself again. Cognitive over emotion. Be more productive and sadness, I can seriously put you aside and ignore you. I know to eradicate is impossible, so I will learn how to live with sadness which might be overwhelming at times. Till then, I am so forgetting you sadness..

*positive*

Sweet love story + being alone = depression..

Okie, on the tv as I am writing this entry is a sweet love story between a girl and a robot. The story is so sweet and the love between the two looked so sincere and believable. I am watching it alone. Seriously, it is depressing for me. Huhu, after the major breakup and sort of lost hope for love, watching sweet love story is like watching a cat being burned alive; Depressing and full of gruesome images. Besides, I think I am being cruel to myself by tormenting myself to finish the show. Huhu, but the show is just beautiful and I will not trade it with anything. Although as I watch this, my heart starts shattering and by the time it will end, which is soon, I might need to collect them fast because the wind of misery took some of it and fly them away. Wow, poetic words from me. Haha. But seriously, I’m trying my best to contain my tears from flowing down my cheeks. Sweet love story never failed to make me cry. But not Nicholas Sparks however, they are just too depressing..

*love story sucks soul*

Don’t make me feel like a lamp post..

You know the feeling where you went out with your friend, which at first supposed to be just you and your friend but suddenly received addition of several people whom you do not really like or even know and worst of all, the partner of your friend? Seriously, this situation sucks. Like real bad sucks. Sucks until you feel like killing your friend and his or her partner than commit suicide kind of sucks. I hate it when people bring friend along when they are meeting their loved one. Like what is the point of them bringing the friend just to ignore them later? That is so inconsiderate and insensitive.

For me, if you want to go out with your someone, just go out by yourselves. Not with bunch of friends that you will just ditch later once that particular someone arrives. Then, PDA in front of your friend is so not needed. We know you guys love one another but you don’t have to show it in front of us. We just don’t care, or jealous. It is just plain obnoxious. Plus, you could bring your partner along when you are going out with your friend, only if the partner is known or is the friend of your friends. If not, just keep it to yourself please. I have enough friends I think and I don’t want to add more but I will never get close since I am known to be one hell of a snatcher, although I don’t do that.. anymore. Huhu.

Seriously, a friendly outing can turn into a silent feud if the person who suggested it is so not sensitive and person-centred. I have been into several occasions and I hope for no more. I had enough of keeping my anger. Let just hope I won’t lash out to the person and just walk away from the whole outing. The, you have reach my limit and if that going to ruin our friendship, I just don’t mind. Seriously, I need real friend, not FFB or insensitive friend or just friend.

*annoyed*

Please, I detest such behaviour..

Okie, recently I talked to my girlfriends. The topic: Boyfriends who asked for the girl’s social networking access information. For me, I seriously despise this kind of behaviour since it is considered as a breach of privacy for me. Who gave the boyfriend the right to control the girlfriend’s life since they are not legally bound aka married? This kind of boyfriend for me is super insecure and does not have trust in people as well as themselves. What a shame to constantly live in paranoia. Everyone has their right on how to live their life. Even when you are married, that woman still has the right to have her privacy. Hello, it is not like all women who have privacy thought of being infidel. Haish..

Another annoying fact about this kind of BF is that they will never give the girl the access to their account however. So, it is a loss to the girl and a gain for the guy. So not fair. In the end, the guy is the one who found someone else and ditch the girl for the new one. I seriously hate this kind of guys. They are such a disgrace to the male population. Boo to guys who do this.

*je deteste*

Mencuba sesuatu yang baru..

Ini post bahasa melayu aku yg ketiga kot. Seingat aku la. Apa-apa pun, aku nak tulis dalm bahasa melayu sebab bersesuaian ngan topic yang aku nak tulis ni. Semester ni aku masuk kokurikulum dalam bahasa melayu. Untuk menambah kesengsaraan, sastera bahasa melayu *bunyi suara pompuan menjerit dlam citer seram*. Bak kata org putih, literature la. Secara serius, korg tak tahu betapa susahnya aku nak tulis dalam bahasa melayu ni. Dah berapa lama dah aku x menulis apa-apa dalam bahasa melayu, alih-alih amik ko, sastera bagai. Mmg sengsara okie *tambah lagu sedih drama bersiri melayu kat sini*. Tapi takpa, aku redha ngan ketentuan hidup ini. Camtu kan ayat.. hebat ko Sai..

Okie, semalam aku pi kelas pertama, dan cuba teka? Aku sorg je yg dtg, org len haram. En. Solihin, jurulatih aku pn pelik nape takde org yang dtg. Aku pn gtau la dia yg ikut system klas bukan kat situ, tp kat tempat len. Aku pun tau sbb aku telefon dia. Kalu x, aku pn sama cam org len gak la. Tunggu punya tunggu sampai kul 8 lebih-lebih skit last last kitorg mulakan je la klas tu. Dia terang pasal markah dan sume hal-hal teknikal tu, pastu aku tulis nama dan balik. Huhu.. sumpah cam terbuang je masa aku kat situ. Takpa la, kurang-kurang dapat kehadiran kan.

Apa-apa pun, sekarang ni aku tengah pikir, camne aku nak tulis 3 sajak bahasa melayu? Klu sajak English pn aku tak bape nk sure nk wat camne, ni kan plak bahasa melayu. Abis la..

*tgh pikir*

disagreement and what i would do about it

in life, we cannot be satisfied by everything. we will have disagreement due to the variation of mindset and way of thinking. this variation is the one which colours the world and make it more interesting to live in. a very varied and nonuniform world. imagine life with everyone having the same way of thinking. it only come to a word and it is BORING! so people, disagreement is normal and we should have disagreement in order to feel alive. okie, is it me or the last sentence sounds like words from a psychopath who constantly looking for excitement in the world in order to feel alive? who cares, as long as i state my points.

i also, being a human, or psychopath (who knows?) do have disagreements. let it be family, friends or policy maker. how i handle it? well, let me just say i am a person with a white colour personality. i hate conflicts. i hardly confront people for anything that i am not satisfied of. so, i would finally end up keep quiet about the whole situation and just accept what will happen next. i would only stand up about the thing if only i feel it is worthy. if not, i would only disagree in my heart..

*whatevs*

Life sucks..

OMG, seriously life sucks at the moment. Myself is constantly bored by life. I don’t see the point of living right now. Most of the time, I stay in my room, surfing the net and interacting there. To be honest, I don’t know how many real life friend I have right now and even if I have any, they don’t really see me as someone important to them. I am just a person exist among their friends. Seriously, I don’t mean to offend anyone but that is the truth I am seeing currently. I am a friendless person.

Yeah, I used to say maybe I don’t really need anybody besides myself in this world. But, after a while, I seriously feel lonely. As if I am the only person in my world. I don’t talk to people. I got no one to turn to. I am sad most of the time, which I hid it quite good since nobody realises it or maybe, I am just ignored. I don’t know but one thing for sure, life sucks currently.

*sucking away my youth*

No feelings towards you anymore.

Last semester I had tortured you guys, my readers with my rambles on a particular person that I have a great sense of liking or should I say, crush of a lifetime, Tower. Tower was the reason for all the happiness, heartache, laughter, smiles and not to mention, cries. Tower was also the reason for my breakup *huhu* (T-T). Anyway, I know that Tower will graduate from this learning institution this semester and fly all the way to a different continent and stay at California for at least another 4 years to come. Well, since the incident (my breakup), I sort of lose hope in relationship. Seriously, I got no love for anyone. Love as in affection. As in partner, get it? So, I put my life focus right now is to study.

But, recently I bumped into Tower at the faculty. Maybe Tower was there to take the graduation pictures, hence the presence of photographers at various settings. Usually, upon the sight of Tower, my heart will pound as hard as it could and I will get all CRAZEH!! But not this time, I just acknowledge Tower’s presence and continue doing whatever I was doing at that time. I felt nothing. Tower is now nothing more than just a person at the same place as me. No more love for Tower.

Seriously, it is weird to suddenly lose interest in someone I used to drool over. Whatever it is, I just hope Tower will be happy with the life and journey he will soon embark in a different land. Good Luck TOWER!

p/s: saw my previous crush recently. Damn, F (the codename) is ruined..

*stray away from love*

please be there..

if you guys think that this going to be a love post due to the title; the post where a person writes about his or her longing to someone he or she loves and cares so much and hope that person loves him or her back and be there where they suppose to meet; you guys are absolutely... WRONG!!! this is a post about shopping to be honest. how shopping and the title relates? here it goes..

i went to the shopping mall, alone, after settling some stuff i need to do at the post office, to buy some things that i need for the survival of myself here in my rental house. but, before that, i have a feeling that i want to look for new handphones since my current phones are safely said.. SICK and SAD.. my sister once said that my phones are having gadget AIDS because they are deteriorating slowly (whatta?!). i am buying a phone not because i want fancy phones or i want to show off, it is just i need new ones to continue living. wow, how phones effects my life. so, i went to the place where most phones are bought here in SA.

i was looking for a phone that will suit me. a person who talk less, message more. QWERTY keypad is a must. i have seen how my phones suffers due to my extensive messaging. pity them, so my new resolution is to find a phone that will not suffer much. but once i am there i am appalled..

the place is crowded by that super-trendy-phones-that-are-too-expensive-for-the-features-it-has-that-i-will-never-afford-to-have-due-to-its-nonsensical-charges-and-high-price-machines. seriously people, i think most of you know what the brand is, i am so not promoting it on my blog. seriously, they are just too much, i am left with no choice. haish, please be there, things i want the most.

*please be there*