Surprises.. Good and not so good ones..

Hello blog, it has been a while. I did not have anything to write not because there was nothing happening in my life. It is because things that happened were so messed up, they left me feeling down and low most of the time. However, will vent it out here just for the sake of writing.

I have finally started my long holiday.. To my surprise was a no holiday at all. My sister were diagnosed with Cushing's Syndrome and hospitalised and it has become a DAILY routine for us to visit her. Pfft, shouldn't have made holiday plans in the first place then I wouldn't have this heartache. I was planning to visit a place I called home for 7 years before moving back to my hometown and now the town I'm living. Visit all the usual places and for once, feel like I am where I belong. Guess dreaming was too much of a luxury for me.

Then, another surprise! I am transferred to another workplace despite only being at the previous one for about 3 months. It is still within the same district tho and this time around, the place is even deeper. Whatever, life has been throwing me lemons since forever so this is just another one. I am hopeful but not putting too much hope as I know how my life works..

So, yeah, those are basically the highlights of my life in these few months I stayed absent from the blog. What a highlight, right? Hahaha. Yes, I have to see my life as a joke only to go through it without wanting to end it.

Too used to loneliness

Since I was a young child, going out was never something I look forward to. I am what we call a domestic person. I can stay at home for days without going out and still feel alright after that. However, back then, I have my family with me. I was never alone. Otherwise can be said for loneliness though.. You can be lonely in the sea of thousands..

The thing started to grow on me when I moved out from the family house and lived on my own. I got to know the joy of staying alone and be with no one else but me. I started appreciating the silence. After some time, I got so used to it. I find living in silence as the way to live. I was never lonely but I live in loneliness. I got addicted to it.

Now, I find it hard to live like a normal person. A community unit. All because I'm too used to being all by myself. It is not that I don't try. I just find it to be a hassle. I am too used to loneliness. It has become my way of life.

Duvet weather..

Hahaha, the title is in reference to the weather on the first day back to work after a week long holiday. How cruel is nature to tease you as such. After a whole week of beautiful mornings, on the day that you should work your arse out, the duvet weather appears! Like why?? Ugh.. It just strengthen the love between my bed and I.. Hahaha anyway just telling that I am back to working and I will face this term with more optimism. HAHAHA

Break free..

The first month has passed and I must say, I am getting used to the job. Well, somehow I feel like this is something that I could do till I am quite old. Not in this environment though. Not to badmouth or anything, but the environment seems rather futile and stagnant. Somehow they're making changes for the sake of surviving, and not progressing. I miss intellectual talks and discussion I would have with my friends and colleagues previously. Well, maybe I have yet to get to know everyone. Despite tgat, there's someone who always share his thoughts with me regarding our work environment and I must say, I resonate to his thoughts. Yeay to finding similar mind.

Anyway, at the moment, I am enjoying a one week break from work. So happy to break free from that place. Not that it is a bad place but it just doesn't feel like home just yet.. Or ever.. Did not plan anything though for the break.. Mostly because of Aidiladha is in the middle of it. It's a big family matter for us. How I wish I can escape to somewhere on my own..

feeling old..

living among youths. yup, that is my life at the moment.i live with youngsters, who have yet to know the world, in their sheltered mind. how sweet is innocence.. only to taste the bitterness of truth. haha, i know i sound like an old bitter person but i guess hard life had made me into such a person. in a way, it's stimulating to see such innocence in action, where all dreams are possible and life is going to be like how you plan it. i remember being that person, though it was not for long. i learned about reality way too soon and it resulted in something incurable in me.

anyway, seeing their innocent thoughts, it makes me feel real old. like so old, i could be turning into dust soon! like seriously decaying as i am living.. or breathing more likely. am i still living? time will tell me that because for now, i am pretty sure i am in a limbo. whatever it is, i dislike youth for its innocence because the only good that comes from innocence is positive outlook on life and in my case.. you know how it goes..

call me Pops the next time you see me! hahaha

Still adjusting..

       A few weeks have gone by and by now, I think I am quite comfortable in my working environment. As for the drive, I was never the enthusiastic one and my goal has always been behavioural. I want to see changes and results and the process never mattered to me. I know some will say that this is not how the current practice should be but I believe in results and proven practice. But hey, they like me, I think.. Maybe because I am not that serious.. Whatever it is.. I think I will be fine.. For the next few years..

A week into..

It has been a week into the new job. To be honest, the feeling that I felt the most this week was doubt. I have no idea why but that's it. Maybe because I have not been in this field for more than a year now that this whole things feel weird in my point of view. At one point, I was so scared, I wished I did not make this decision. Lol, irrational me. Typical..

Overall, I'm hoping for the best and I hope to be the best. That's all for now.. Next week, the real ordeal starts..

Back to Nothing with you

We gave it a try. Again. We embraced the familiar physical to discover the alien souls that reside now. These souls, used to understand each other can now no longer sing the same song, finish each other's sentences and guess what's in each other's mind. We are now complete strangers with familiar faces. What time has made us into. It's ironic to think that at times we believe that love is timeless and eternal when the people in love are constantly changing.

After much thought, we decided that it is not wise to be together when the pieces don't fit anymore. We are like two pieces of puzzle, but from different sets. Not destined to be in each other's life anymore, as the complement. There's a missing piece in our love, but we are not each other's.

We are back to nothing. Not square one because there wasn't one to begin with. Let's move according to our separate paths now and maybe see each other along the way. Maybe not as partners, but passersby that meant something once upon a time.

I'm a fool for you.. And because of you..

All you had to do was made me remember how it was like to love you. How it made me feel. How we were together. You caught me off guard. I was at my weakest because of you and you lured me back into something you call a relationship. I agreed to the whole idea, because it was yours and maybe this time, you would be different. A person can dream eh? Well, the thing about dream is it doesn't always come true.

I've been single for way too long to remember what it feels like to have someone has my back, supports me, always be there for me. Somehow, when I agreed into this, these were parts of the expectations I had. I really hoped for these. Guess it wasn't true to you. For you, it'smore about the convenient of returning to the things you know, or you think you still know and in this case, the thing is me. You thought of me as a place that you could hang around and be all comfortable, like what we had almost 9 years ago.. People change.. I changed.. You changed.. We are no longer that 16 year olds.. We are basically strangers who knows each others' name and not more than that. How unfortunate for us to learn it this way.

The thing is, you're not alone when it comes to the convenient part. To tell you the truth, I am into it as well. I thought "well, now we can skip the part where I get to know you and just be in a relationship and continue from where we were before". But I forgot one major information, we hit the end of the road the last time. There's no continuing to that. Basically, we have to start over. 16 and 25 are 9 years apart and we've grown into different person in these years. We both forgot about this and now I feel like a fool. Because of you and for you.

To be honest, I don't know what I want from all these. Do I want this to be real? I am not even sure about it. The way you act doesn't help either. It's tiring being the only one trying when we all know it takes two to tango. Just.. Ugh.. I'm such a fool..

P/s: so sorry. I just have to write this down. This has been bothering me and I have no other outlet to say it except here. Yeah, despite saying I am a different person now that I am older, I'm almost 25 now!, deep inside, I can still find the trace of my younger self..

I did that..

Woke up from a nap, feeling nostalgic. I reminisced the life I had and the people that were in it. One particular person stood out more than the rest. Because that person was my friend, to a certain level, a best friend. But things went sour quite fast. The blame was always on him but I now realised, it takes two to kill a relationship.

How could two friends ended up constantly stabbing each other? I couldn't recall the beginning but I remember how it ended.the thing is, matters of the heart is complicated and when you mess with one's love, you might create a monster. That's what I did. I created the person who wanted to destroy me. I retaliated badly as well. I fought fire with fire. A move qrongly chose.

Whatever it was, it's now a part of my past. The past I parted ways with years ago. Only I woke up feeling nostalgic and the memory hit me like a gentle slap on the cheek, waking me up from the delusion I had about it for years.

Another jump..

After months of wait, the result is finally out. I am on the path of being in a job I thought of when I signed up for my university studies. In a way, I am glad but at the same time, nervous as I have strayed away from that path for quite some time. But I believe in starting anew,especially in things that you know you can learn to love it. So, it's time to part ways with doubts and accept all positivity.

Anyway, I remember promising to myself a few years ago that I will not job hop in my post uni life. Lol, look at what life has made me do so far? Haha how clueless I was. However, this time around, I hope this will be one of my last transitions in terms of career though I know I will face a lot more in the future. Well, the least I hope for is my next transitions will be along the same path. No more straying away. I have strayed away from comfort for way too long, it's time to return, although it may be brief.

One thing that I hope in this new place is to be the best me. The best I can be. A person I can be proud of and contented with. Leaving a legacy may sound farfetched but I believe if I work really hard, it's achievable. You know, the satisfaction of looking at a success and say "I did that". Yeah, that's what I am looking for. One can always dream right? Haha

Okie, that's all for now. Wish me all the best in my latest endeavour. Till next time.
P/s: this was written on paper prior publishing. My handwriting sucks.. Hahaha

the one that got away..

Hello blogosphere. It has been a while since I was last here. Hope I still have my readers. If some of you have departed, you are greatly missed. Hahaha as if I have that many reader. Anyway, nothing much has happened in my life lately. Except from exasperation from the uncertainties of my job, my life has actually been very bland, with little or minor conflict or drama happening.

Anyway, just got inspired to write when I was listening to Katy Perry's The One that Got Away, the acoustic version. Behind those beats, she actually wrote something very close and personal to the heart. Because of that, I was reminded of those who got away from me. One particularly..

Hmm, to write about it is difficult since what happened was very weird. We were friends, I helped you, things got weird, we drifted apart.. Though I don't think we'll stay for long if we were together hahaha

someone new..

i wish these words are for me but nope, it says about someone else. someone who was dear to me. someone i called my own. but that was all in the past. i must move on. time waits for no one and i am certainly not someone worth waiting for. well, the thing is the new person is not someone to call a partner, it is a child. the person's child. yup, the person is now a parent and to be honest, i am happy to know that, truly. from what i know, the baby is a boy. i hope he will grow strong and handsome. more emphasis on handsome.. hahahaha

the thing is , upon hearing you now have a baby, i realised that being a parent is a feeling that you'll never know if we were still together. you know it's impossible for us to have one even if we really want it. it would be taking away one of the world's greatest graces if you stayed. i am happy to know that ending the relationship was the right thing to do. it helps lessen the pain. hahahaha i am such a sucker for pain..

the thing is, i hope to feel what you feel now someday. i hope i will be able to open my heart to accept someone new in the future. yeah, i am at the stage of not wanting to feel the hurt again hence shutting down every possibility. i hope i will learn what is love all over again.

looking through the glass dome..

this is definitely my current situation at the work place. yeah, it has only been two working days but i have started feeling awkward about the whole thing. the thing is, the job doesn't allow me to be myself. i have to put on an act to fit within the group. they're are just polar opposite of what i am. it's not that they're not nice people, they are, but it's me. i am too weird to function normally in structured organisation. but i am willing to give this more time as i believe that time can be a good remedy to many awkward situations, this is just one of them.

anyway, a more fitting job for me is actually within the same office area but totally beyond reach. it's totally like living in a glass dome, where you can see the things you know you will do just fine, but you cannot reach it because that's not for you according to the order of nature. it sucks to be honest to see a place you know you will feel at home and a place you belong but it's not going to happen. but i won't be staying there for long because that's not my base office so the torment won't be for long.. i hope. in the mean time, i am learning to love my job. it will take some time.. please, all i need is 5 years.. then i'll take on a different journey..

it begins.. a new phase at a new place..

so, i finally began my work today. what can i say about it? well, for once, there were more than 3 people in the office. yeay to humans! so many humans! humans i can interact to when i am stuck! humans! hahahaha. well, the day began slowly, like major slow. i sat for a good one hour doing nothing, just listening and observing around. then, i was asked to do some work! yeay! something to do. ding ding, i have a presentation this wednesday right after the one day off. wow, talk about things escalated quickly.

anyway, how did i spend the day in the office? rummaging the boxes looking for parts to build robots. yup, i spend a good 3 hours to build a goddamn easy robot. i finally found out that they are in the process of moving to a new place hence the chaos. okie, pardoned. so that's it. that's how it went. everybody seems laid back and nice. i hope that's true though. i don't need another traumatic experience. then, it will be official that i need to open my own business so that i can do things my way. lol, as if i have the financial strength. god willing, in 5 more years.. hahahaha

I would make a nasty Groom..

every time i am about to commit myself to something, as the day nears, i will have cold feet. this is a fact. i will overthink about the whole thing and once i am done overthinking, i will think of a way to escape the whole thing a.k.a running away. i am afraid of uncertainties and when commitment is involved, Gawd, all i want is just to be in my safety bubble. to be honest, at times i pray for the power to see my future so that i won't be stuck in this loop of fear of uncertainties. it's annoying and counter productive to a level as i spend most of my time thinking about worst case scenario and i will be so invested emotionally, to the brink of depression. yeah, emotionally, i am a wreck. why do you think i start this blog in the first place? it is my venue to see my thoughts in words so that i can assess just how crazy i sound at most time. yeah, behind that happy, cool exterior, i am such a train wreck inside. well, those who had seen my breakdown episodes would know. hahahaha

the thing is, i am afraid to start my new job at the new workplace. not only that i have social anxiety, the work is also in a field so foreign to me that i am not sure how will i fit myself into the crowd and most importantly, how will i perform in my job. i know this whole thing sounds a lot like self sabotaging but it is something that i cannot help. i am so used to certainties in my life, i plan everything before it happens, so when an opportunity knocks, out of nowhere, fear tends to get along with it. arghh! i have no idea how to shake this thing off me. i have tried meditation, exercise (yes, i volunteer to exercise, i must be in deep shit!) and make myself busy with other things but when i am all alone, it will come and haunt me, with questions! i hate questions! i love answers!

Gawd! i am terrified! i might be over reacting but i dont know how to calm down! gosh!!

facelift..

it is time to part with the old and in with the new. ceh, as if i am talking about something major, when in fact i am just talking about getting this blog a new template. well, the old template was nice ( i sincerely love the flying away heart balloon illustration in the design, that is so special to me) but as time goes by, i don’t think the template is relevant anymore. well, i have made some growth and it is about time the place where i pour most of my thoughts grows as well. it is a way for me to convince myself that it is time to move forward in life. ceh, i sound so old when i just reach a quarter of a century.. well, that doesn’t help in lessening the feeling of being old.. hahaha

anyway, after a thorough search, i have decided to go with this look. nothing special. it is just a look that i responds to. a look that i look at and i say, i will make you mine. hahaha i am picky and to please me, it is all about pleasing my instinct. if it feels right, it is right. i am simple but the simplicity is complex. pergh, attempt at being philosophical over there. hahaha not gonna work!

anyway, new look!

words..

words don’t come easy for me. i am not that good with word. my vocabulary is not that big either. so, when it comes to writing down stories, i always dread it. it is because i know, i will keep on playing the visual in my head while being unable to pen the words down to describe it. writing is just not something that comes naturally to me. haha it is kinda ironic that i am writing this down to explain about my inability to write stories.

the thing is, i have had ideas. a lot to be exact. but, once i started writing them down, my words didn’t catch the essence of what i am trying to tell. hence ideas remain ideas. no development. i took up the interest of reading at a rather early age. library was my fortress of solitude throughout primary and secondary school years. i spent a lot of time with books and after some time, aspired to be an author. however, i can never write narratives or stories in a way that it is a sensory adventure. my writing has always been straightforward, no nonsense and at times, even academic in nature. my writing is exactly a representation of how my mind works. uptight and determined. i tried letting loose but it all comes back to that so after some time, i just accepted that writing is not the way that i should go.

to be honest, it is rather envious to see others being able to express their minds out with great stories. not just establish authors, but also people i have had the privilege to know in life as well. words seem to come easy for them. but then again, if everyone has the same ability, what is the meaning of diversity then? so, i believe in fate i which everyone has a mission on this land and each mission is individual. no two is the same.

in the mean time, i shall keep the visual alive, in my head and hope to find someone that can write them down in words for the world to understand it as well.

(written on 17/1/2015)

My biggest anxiety

people who know me will say that i am someone who is very comfortable in my own skin. to be honest, that is partially true. i am comfortable with myself, most of the time. however, i am not sure whether that is something real or it’s a result of years of telling myself that “I am confident” until i start to believe it. the thing is, behind that very secure exterior that i project, i am insecure as heck on so many things (my looks not a part of it though - i used to be worried of it but then after some time, i realised that the sooner i accept how i look, the easier it is for me to face the world without the worry of superficial judgment), especially fitting in a group and maintaining interaction and communication. yes, i am worried about functioning in a group because that is just not something that i can do well.

those who know me will say that this is a bizarre thing for me to say but it is the truth. i am afraid of creating connection to people because i am awkward as heck. i don’t know how to carry small talk, how to share interest without sounding snobbish or like a creeper and i have this extreme anxiety to be accepted so badly. in my life prior to this, i love presenting, a very self centric action. why? because i don’t have to establish a relationship with the people who listen (or not, it’s their choice) to my presentation and the interaction made was only for that purpose only. no affection factors are included. once everything is over, we are nobody to each other and i am happy with that. so, when i jump into a new social scene and i will need to create and establish new connection, a surge of panic will overpower me. i hate introducing myself to someone and considering being their friends or in their close circle. i am bad at making new friends and adapting to the place’s culture. with this mentioned, it doesn’t mean that i don’t have any friend, i do, but i take a long time to think about investing my whole self in that relationship. yes, i am an awkward person. i know that for a long time and i cannot help myself not being one because that is just who i am.

so, with every career path, i will need to create new relationship and to be honest, i am terrified to face this. yes, i am having cold feet about the new job i have just because i will need to get to know new people. i am scared as heck of that. what if i am too weird for them? what if they don’t like my attitude? what if i cannot fit into the group? so many what ifs playing in my head. gosh, my head might just explode from all the worries. but i know i will push through. i know (i shall repeat this to myself at all time, during my waking hours, even in my sleep!)

*scared as F*

(written on 16/1/2015)

finally, something!

i have finally got a job! woo hoo! yeah, i think this is something that i should celebrate although deep in my mind i have this voice saying "shh, be quiet, give it a try first, then decide whether you're happy or not". but after months of unemployment, this actually makes me feel like i have accomplished something! so, a big woo hoo to that! whether it will work out or not, time will tell. i must not worry about things in the future because it's unknown.

the job sounds promising. though it is not directly in my field (to be honest, far astray), but i am willing to take a chance on it. hey, i'm only 24 going on 25, i should not worry much, this is my time to explore. who knows this might probably be my calling? remember, fate has been playing a weird game with me and something that i thought i dislike the most could possibly be the thing i might be good at. hahaha i hope.

one thing that i like is that i get to develop modules again! woo hoo! if they are good enough, they might be published and produced to be used throughout the nation! like what? again, that's would be a great achievement but i am not counting my blessing just yet because i have no idea what the future has in store for me. in the mean time, let me prepare myself to the reintroduction to the working world. please let this be the one! or the road to something better..

*grateful*

learning to crawl.. in love..

i have been single for a good 4 years now. like that is seriously a long time to be spending my time alone. but then, come to think again, most of my relationships were long distance. so, i could say i was a very independent partner even when i was in relationships. the thing is, i do realise that i am getting older and the urge to settle down is increasing, you know, to find someone who is willing to spend their life with you and go through all the experiences in your life together. however, i have been unable to open my heart to new relationship for reason i cannot even explain. i just find it hard to be with someone. all this time being single has made me a great appreciator of quiet and loneliness, haha which is an extravagant way to say that i am now a loner than a social person.

the thing is, i do have someone that i fancy. someone i know i get along so well, someone i can truly see myself loving, have arguments and finally be friends through the rest of my life. one reason i am holding back is because of my economic state at the moment which i don't think i love to elaborate more since it's kinda apparent from the few latest posts. haha, i want this one to be the last one, the one decision that i will make and i won't regret and so does the person. the thing is, this needs to be serious. no more games for gaming time has passed for me. haha i sound dead old here.. lol

the thing is, love is something i have left for years now. to love again will be a whole new experience. I'm like a baby earning how to crawl, which in this case, in love. ahh, to love is to experience, but as experienced as i am, i feel so noob at the moment. so, yeah, i shall keep myself away from all those generic articles about how to love and really go deep within myself asking myself, what were my mistakes and learn from them. yes, in love, there are no better teachers than the both of you. others can give opinions but only you will know what is right.

the biggest enemy..

the new year has arrived and i am still bringing the baggage from last year. what a way to start a year huh? new year new beginning, i really want to believe in this so hard but let's be realistic, these baggages still are pulling me back. the thing is, these baggages are placed by none other than me. yeah, the owner of this vessel that keeps my soul, if there's any because most people say i don't have it because i am kind of too practical at most times, i forget how to be a human. anyway.. yeah, i am realising this fact now more than ever. i scared myself shitless with the trauma i had from experiences before. i tell myself i can never do something because i haven't tried it. the worst, i placed envy and covet in my heart from looking at others. dear, this is what living in the gutter (metaphorically!) made you into. a self deprecating piece of shit.

so, not being pretentious, just a very needed resolution, i will make my life better. i will stop self sabotaging and blaming the world for it. i will drink the medicine, aka reality, despite how bitter it is because if you don't make the first step back into the reality, you will always be in that delusional state and mine is not honey and flowers, more like wasp and polluted fields..