im tired of all these..

seriously, i need to lessen my post okie.. i been posting like.. everyday these days.. so, i decided to make a gap between each post.. lol.. haha.. it has been a few days now.. so, it is okie for me to do so.. haha.. justifying my own wrongdoing.. so, now is the time for my finals.. and im so not ready for it.. and seriously not in the mood of having any examination.. huhu.. lol.. DL.. i dont think i could get it.. but i do hope i get it.. lol.. i need to motivate myself to study.. haha.. but i just cant find a way how to motivate myself.. assistance people.. if only i could put my mind and goal straight.. to get a first class degree.. so that i need not pay the loan.. haha.. wrong reason.. let just hope i'll find a way to study.. and be motivated..

then, life matters.. hmm.. things nowadays are going quite find.. i am still able to control myself.. and im still in love with the same person.. now, impossible no. 2 is out of the game.. just leave no.1 and 3.. haha.. i just lost my interest in no.2.. i think we are not more than just friends.. but im still hoping for no. 1.. these days have shown me something.. people in love do crazy things.. haha.. i bet i did those also before.. only being on the receiving end is rather appalling.. and some just do not know the limit when to stop telling stories.. haha.. i mean the very private details.. euww.. please.. keep it to yourself.. i dont want okie..

OMG.. now i knowhow it feels like to be short in money.. damn.. it's hard.. i wish i never had to endure it again.. ever again.. okie.. it's like you can have anything that you want.. or need.. hah.. you have to stop shopping.. the worst of all.. let just hope thhose who owed me money pay back okie.. im desperate for it..

*updated*

loving the impossible..

i dunno what is wrong with me.. among all the possible people that i could fall in love with.. i fall in love with someone.. okie 3 person to be exact who are.. impossible to grasp.. i call them The Impossibles.. th people that i know not in a million years will i get my hands on.. so, yesterday i met one of the impossibles.. and he accidentally touched my hand.. i felt a sudden rush of excitement.. a feeling that has not visited me for quite some time now.. and impossible no. 1 dont even realise about it.. lol.. then, later that day, during dinner.. i met impossible no. 2.. i just realised that he just got cuter and hotter.. haha.. and all the time i was talking to him.. i hardly contain my feeling.. haha.. now, im longing to see impossible no. 3.. the one that grabs my attention since a year ago.. it has been a hile since i last see no. 3.. no. 3 is the first person who captures my heart due to personality.. not good look.. huhu.. seriously, loving the impossibles is just heart wretching.. i know i could never get them yet i hope for their embrace all the time.. they are the people who could make me cry because of love.. i dont do that anymore.. they rekindled that feeling in me..

*love in secrecy*

my 100th post.. and it is all about love...

huhu.. i never thought that this day would come.. where i write my 100th post.. and all is done in less than a year.. hell yeah, i babble a alot people.. haha.. so, to celebrate my 100th post.. im going to do something that i have never done before.. putting song lyrics in my post.. and the song is..

"Make You Feel My Love" by Adele

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love

the lyrics of this song is so meaningful to me now.. i want that person so much and i would do anything to make that person feel my love.. but yet, i dont think that person even realised about my existence.. and all i can do is see.. nothing else i can do.. some people say.. widen your horizon Sai.. look at other people too.. but im glued.. i cant help it.. all i want is the person.. and the person only.. no one could substitute..

i wish i have the courage to just go and approach.. and tell everything that i feel to the person.. but im scared.. im not used to rejection.. usually, people will always notice me.. for my awkwardness and my atypical look and figure.. but the person act indifferent and not even care whenever im around.. and of all people who give me attention.. the one i got stuck with and wanting the embrace so much is the person who care the least about me.. maybe this is what we say.. we always want what we could not get.. seriously, how i long for just a simple "hi" or gesture from the person to verify that i existed in the person's world..

hah, so that's it for my 100th post.. huhu.. more stories on love.. haha

*happy for the blog, longing for the love*

im pissed off..

okie.. today i will write about something that piss me off.. okie, not something but some people.. they just dont know how to look at things.. okie.. when you one of their teammates is not capable of his own work.. they dare to come and approach.. not to offer help.. but to add more burden.. Say what women.. you can see that your friend is in trouble and you add more.. thank you so much.. and they have nothing to do while the others struggle like hell.. and they can say that they have done their job.. hello, that is not even my job.. i dont even have any idea what the outcome was.. and i have to make up my own idea to write.. while doing my unfinished work.. for this kind of people, i just have one line for you guys.. you got no love from me.. you dare to mess with me.. you guys took the least reponsibility.. and act as if nothing wrong has being done.. hello women.. after this.. i shall never work with you guys anymore.. you guys are the worst lazybums, selfish, unholy, disgusting, horrid, nasty, inconsiderate, heartless bitches.. Go to hell hell with both of yourself.. i mean it literally..

*pissed to the limit*

i decided..

Well, I think u guys would know that im single right now.. so, im free to look for love again.. haha.. lol, I sound like someone desperate for love and going out for hunting.. but then again I decided to put a halt to the hunt.. it looks like the target that im targeting right now is owned.. haha.. I just love to give in.. I never really fight for what I want.. I just let it comes.. and most of the time.. it does not.. but that is just part of the game.. one thing that I will never do is beg.. yup, beg for love.. that is just plain disgusting in my view.. showing your weakness even before you get a hold on that person.. for me, once the person has said no to you.. then , there is no point of holding it anymore.. i want to be love because of love.. not because of pity or because you have to.. love me truly, not because of any other reasons.. if there should be a reason, let the reason be love.. but, some really need love.. they can’t live without one.. and hmm.. I got no comment.. I was one like that.. then I tend to accept the fact.. maybe I was not made for anyone.. so, what the whole reason of looking.. haha.. let it roll.. if it never comes.. then, it is just not made for you.. maybe the one made for you had died long ago.. so, no point of looking..

One thing I have learned about love is not to hate the person that you used to love just because it does not work out between the both of you.. accept it as part of fate and move on.. I know easier said than done but that is from my own personal experience.. I have done my hating and at one point I realized there is no point of hating.. you have given your best but it does not work.. let it be then... love should not be forced.. let it come naturally..

*firm*

im not going to think..

when we say that we are not going to think about something.. what is the first thing that came to our mind?.. none other but the think that we are not suppose to think of.. that is just human nature.. we tend to do things that we are not allowed to.. that is what happening to me right now.. i love the word im not going to study.. and yet you make effort to study like hell.. then, you might say im not going to think about what is coming up later in time.. let it be an event to handle or exams.. only to find out that you cant sleep thinking of it.. same goes to love.. im not going to think why am i single and deprived of love.. yet, you cry at night thinking about soeone that you dearly want to be with.. lol.. for once, can we really mean what we say.. i guess not because it is just inhuman.. haha.. going against the rule is so human.. and im proud to be one.. im not going to follow the rule.. can you guess what i will do??

*laughing at the existence*

morning my love..

i have always wanted to say this phrase to someone.. but for now it is so not suitable.. to whom should i dedicate this phrase to?.. since the person is no longer here.. i cant say this to my friends.. euww.. that is just plain weird.. back to the phrase.. one of the nicest thing in my view is waking up in the morning and see the person's face.. the person who had stole your heart.. the one who owns your love.. the pure and innocent look in the morning is so nice..it gives you the reason why you love the person so much.. and the best thing could happen is a smile from that face.. at this time, you know that the smile is genuine and honest.. the smile is made for you.. and you only.. ahh.. how i miss the feeling of being loved by someone.. but for now.. i want to take a break from love.. but i cant.. i am a Susan Mayer.. if you guys know what i mean.. haha.. listening to the person saying this phrase.. morning my love.. is the best thing ever.. then, you know that you're loved.. someone cared for you.. that is the thing about this phrase in my life.. how important it is.. and how i longed to be in love again..

*morning my love*

i miss the old me..

remember at the beginning of this blog.. i used to be very happy.. i write about happy stuffs.. looking forward for people's comments and very eager to post a new post everyday.. but as time goes by.. i start to change.. i turned to the darkside.. i ventured into dark emotions of my heart.. and i start coming out as emo person.. im not happy this way.. i want the old me back.. i have more fun there.. i even got more hair.. haha.. seriously.. im losing my hair.. sometimes i wonder where has that bubbly and happy guy gone too.. was he murdered.. by life events and mishaps.. seriously.. i miss him.. was he replaced by emo-ish demon who do nothing but spread morbidity and despair?.. those questions keeps on haunting me.. and yet i thought i was normal.. then, there were this lovey dovey guy who keep on writing about love conflicts.. of love that was not suppose to last.. unrequited love and secret admiring.. lol, where did he come from.. those are all people who write for this blog.. and those people is one.. ME.. yes me..im one person with multiple conscience.. and it's getting too complicated.. life used to be easy when i was just a single person.. i am just one.. now.. i am just too many.. i miss the old me..

*searching for self*

My world stops whenever you are around..

i never had this feeling before.. even with those whom i used to be.. yes, i do love them.. but not to this extend.. it is as if time stops.. everybody else muted.. sounds disappear.. the only thing that stays is you.. you and you only.. everything else doesn't matter.. Lord, what has gotten into me.. the glimpse of you cause my knees to weaken.. whenever i look at you.. i wish you would come to me.. embrace me.. the music that you play and your voice.. is the nicest song i could hear.. your existence is a present to me.. yes, that is my feeling towards you.. though im invincible in your sight.. i dont mind.. because your presence is more than enough.. i might crumble if you come closer.. i never felt so weak.. and now i know how it feels.. thanks to you of course.. is this love sick? is that so, then i have been beaten by at least a whole colony of lovebugs.. love never affect me this much before.. but you.. you like the greatest creation ever appeared in my life.. and i dare not say anything because i love you but i will never get you.. it is just wrong.. big time wrong.. so, it's better if you never know about me.. although you stop my world everytime you come around..

*in secrecy*

i feel like dying..

i feel like dying.. I have too many things in my mind.. and i cant prioritise because everything seems so important to me.. and today, a lot of people come to me and say about the way i look today.. gloomy and disturbed.. i try to say nothing because serously.. i dunno what to answer.. i think i would rather die tahn live another day in misery.. i hardly smile nowadays.. i always lost in my daydream.. i dun talk to my frens.. i hate seeing other people's happiness.. what has i become.. a demon or what.. i just realise that i am a big fool.. i am stupid.. i hate myself.. i only care about my pride until i forgot that we need to be nice sometimes.. nope.. i never reember that.. usually, when im good with someone.. it must be because of the hidden agenda that i have for that person for my benefit.. yes, that's me.. the evil enormous demon.. i never know whether i have real frens or not.. i talk behind them and they will surely talk behind my back too. i got no one to turn to.. and all the problems i have been facing for the past weeks have make me into someone i dont even know.. i get angry.. but i keep quiet.. i got annoyed.. and i keep quiet.. i have forgotten how to express my feelings.. i let the emotions accumulates and buried in my heart.. let just hope it never burst.. i would rather die than being sick..

*death, come and take me*

Feelings develop..

Hate.. it is one big word that could haunts a lot of people.. some are explainable.. but some are just can’t be justified.. well, let me say, mine is the second.. yes, a hate that can’t be justified and explained.. it is even inappropriate.. seriously, I don’t know what has happened.. I used to love that person very much (this person is the reason for most of my February posts..)..but then again, things doesn’t worked out that well between us.. okie, everything comes to an end.. fine, im okie with that.. although at first it was hard to get over that person.. it finally passed.. but recently, I developed a new feeling for that person.. it is hate.. I don’t know why.. I just hate that person.. without the person even do anything to me.. what has gotten into me?? I can’t see the face.. it disgusts me.. I can't listen to the voice.. im annoyed by it.. I can't bear the presence.. I wish the person was never there.. that is what im feeling about the person right now.. I don’t want to see, listen or even know anything about that person.. the person that I used to care so much.. is the one I wish I would never know.. the person who was my motivator to do anything.. is now my mood killer.. a good one.. the one who could assassinate my mood just by embracing to me.. or just be there.. Argh, I just hate that person.. but I don’t know why.. one thing for sure.. this going to take a long time to heal..

*questioning*

Not motivated..

Im so not motivated to do anything right now.. even though my assignment is piling up quickly.. I just don’t have the heart to do it.. it is as if I have loss the purpose of life and study.. I don’t know why.. is it matters of the heart again?? I don’t know.. but im seriously behind schedule in most things.. im so dead but yet I feel nothing.. DL feels so far this time.. im so not confident about it.. I need motivator.. someone or something that can move me to do my work.. anybody got suggestion?? Haha.. who am I asking?? I am supposed to ask that question to myself.. I am my own motivator.. but currently the motivated me is taking a vacation.. I need him to do my work.. haha.. I lose myself again..

*what the eff*

Empty..

The sky looks so dull.. although the sun is brightly shining.. the atmosphere feels so quiet.. although there are people and noises everywhere.. my heart feels numb.. although my face looks so lively.. I sit down to do things that I love.. but it is just my body.. my mind is somewhere else.. I still can’t let off of the memories.. that we used to share.. man, this is worse than break ups.. nothing feels like this.. letting go something that you used to love very much.. although I never realized it.. I wish I never feel like this again.. I’ve went through something like this before.. approximately a year ago.. I thought that was the only time I would have this feeling.. looks like it repeats itself.. it’s hard to bear this longing.. It’s heart wrecking.. it used to be my motivation to work harder to forget about it.. but this time it’s worse.. it has taken its toll on me.. I’m totally overwhelmed by it.. I cry everytime I think of it.. I cry when I see something similar to what im facing.. o cry when I see obstacle-embedded love.. I cry when I see people greatly in love can’t be together.. I cry.. thus this shows that im still immature or.. I love the person more than the one last year.. was the person was the love I have always wanted.. I don’t have the answer for that.. I hope I have..

*bland and empty*