expecting a storm, but it only drizzles..

this entry has got nothing to do with the weather, although i would love to mention about the weather yesterday where there was a sudden storm hits my neighbourhood. seriously, it was SCARY. the wind shut all my window and brought along a very heavy but short rain. hmm, luckily i did no do my laundry yesterday. if not, i would be wailing all day long *hyperbole inserted there*. hehe



if only all storms are that beautiful :p

back to the topic, it is actually about my exam. the subject is Phonetics. i love the subject, like seriously. okie, maybe because i am a person who has interest in linguistics subject, hence the interest. others who hate it, like i care. haha. as long as i love it, what others say would not matter. reverting back after much astray, the exam was expected to be hard and bad, like severely bad, but it turn out quite acceptable. it is not as hard as most would expect and seriously, all the midnight oil burned for it feels like a big waste now (should have focus on psychology more!). hmm, but all in all, i am happy with it. at least i know i will not screw up. :)

so that is it. still have papers later. psychology and counseling. going to work hard for both subjects since both are extremely factual. going to be a book worm again. hey, i am suddenly reminded of the game BookWorm Deluxe. anybody has it?



*about to read again*

read..

i love reading. and i read random stuff. sometimes academic, sometimes chick flick and sometimes mystery and gory stuff. but all in all, i love reading. however, it must be accompanied with mood. without the right mood, reading just will not work.

as for now, academic reading is so in since we are in examination corner already. seriously, the mood is not in, eventhough i am very interested in the topic (seriously, who would hate linguistics?, i won't) but i just cannot read. thus, the whole reading become a drag. a baggage i have to carry, involuntarily. i seriously hope i will remember what i have and will read (the exam is on this Sunday!). Gosh, a good book might invoke the mood of reading in me, surely not that book, it is more to rambling than textbook (talk about centration here; FYI, centration is when you only think of your perspective only and disregard others). so, i will read it since i need to prepare for the exam but seriously, read to love.. LATER!!

i crave for a good book to read for months already. i just failed to find any. seriously, if there are any suggestion on good books, do tell me. FYI, not in the mood of depressive books since has read a lot of them. i need books with more positive vibes. seriously, a good book can do a lot of change.

another thing that i always read nowadays is blogpost of course. i have been online quite often lately and i blogwalk a lot. seriously, reading blogs is interesting since i dont have to flip pages (okie, scrolling down maybe) and the story are mostly -mostly- genuine. on the downside, it took up most of my time (T0T)..

seriously, i am so not in the mood of reading, but i have to. please, give me strength to hold on and keep on reading..

*trying to read*

sorry..

i am on a break. with that particular someone. let call the person Perth. okie, called the person S before but Perth have more impact in me. just because i could not handle burden of relationship and studies at the same time. besides, the distance is killing me too. although not that bad for the person. seriously, without the presence, i tend to forget. i forget about the whole thing. i start looking at others. and i start falling at others. but, i am still very much attached to the person. hence the feeling of guilt and all. seriously, i feel so wrong with every liking.

i tell Perth everything. i tell about emotional and life matters too. and seriously, i tell Perth about Tower and Perth is okie with it. but i am the one feeling so wrong, since i think my feeling is changing. seriously, i am putting Tower before Perth but Perth is the one i am with. i even imagine myself with Tower than with Perth. whatta? as usual, i am chasing the impossible and trying to leave what i have in hand right now.

Perth, i am so sorry. i think i could not commit to this relationship if my mind keep on thinking about someone outside it. seriously, the love? i have nothing to say since i am uncertain about every aspect in it. yes, you have comforted me by saying you are not affected at all by all the feeling i have for Tower but still, i am the one facing it. and i dont know for how long will this last. i have made you wait before, it will be cruel if i do this again. seriously, i dont want to toy with your feeling anymore. Please, this time i will let you make the decision. i will accept it no matter what.

*urghh*

Gossip..

tonight is a night like no other. it is the night where things returned to how it used to be back then, a bunch of friends, sitting together, sharing no other than gossips and not to mention, astray from the topic for a few times. a lot of times to be exact, until up to a level where we totally forgot where were we. but seriously, it shows that no matter how long has it been since we last hang out together, with our sleeping attire, more like a slumber party but nobody planned to go to sleep, the situation will always be the same. one will open the topic and others will add with their input or versions they have heard or seen. and that what we do at this time. Gossip all the way through.

gossiping has always been a part of me. sometime the gossip is not really gossip but more to releasing the anger steam from inside. at least by sharing, all will know and who knows, those who have no idea about such an event will become well versed in it. okie, but not in a good way since gossip mostly consist of nasty and bad stories of the gossip target. they do not deserve to get the title victim since they have proved themselves to be called target. usually i will be the trigger because as mentioned before, my heart is hard to be satisfied, hence having the most stories. however, my stories are usually supported by the fellow gossipers because usually they face the same problems but never thought anybody would share such thoughts. well, g-friends stays forever.

another thing about being a gossiper is we must stay neutral and natural. never show your actual emotion in front of the target. seriously, you need them one way or another, thus no point of hating or make them hate you. thus, be courteous when you are with them and act as if nothing happened. smile, cry, laugh appropriately with them. like how you would be with any other people because usually after one gossip session, the story stays there and never to be brought up outside or till the next session if more problems arise. all in all, usually gossip happens among friends. do not let gossip tear your friendship down. it should strengthen it. how? figure it out yourself.

okie, that is all i have to say about gossip. it is not easy for me to point out about gossip and gossiping because the skills come naturally. hahaha :P

*gossiper*

i hardly able to contain myself..

class. something that i dread, no matter whether it is done at the proper time or extras and replacements. thus, having a class during the exam week is one thing that is rather annoying to me but i still attend for if not, i will have nothing to do at all for the day.

once i was ready, i walked to the faculty. there it was, at its usual place. the white car which Tower drives. i was glad to see it there. it tells me that Tower is somewhere near. OMG, i sound like a scary stalker in the previous line. but that is just what i feel okie.

then, i went to sit in front of the class waiting for friends to come and class to begin. suddenly the door of the room in front of me opened and several students came out. i recognised some of them as Tower's classmates. i was like saying to myself, is Tower there too? i did not wait long before i got my answer. there he was, with skin fairer than ever, with the shirt that is so body hugging, it fed my imagination, the perfect specimen (from my point of view that is) has appeared. OMG,OMG,OMG.. that was all i could say.

my friends were laughing from this as they know how i feel for him. seriously, i care less about them, as i was trying my best to control my raging hormones and excitement from seeing him. but i think i failed miserably. all the time, i kept on gawking at him and one of my friend even said to me that just go and marry him. haha, how i wished for that to happened. you know, this is a case of secret admire or crush gone too far. OMG.. i dont know what to feel..

seriously, he is the only person that is capable in making me lose myself totally. i never felt like this towards anyone. i just hope i cant get over this feeling..

*raging hormones*

And I keep it all in my heart..

We can never satisfy everyone’s heart. And my heart is one of those which are very hard to be satisfied. However, most of my dissatisfaction, I keep them in my heart. For I realised, if I say those to the face of those I am not satisfied of, hearts going to get hurt and friendship will shattered. But at times (for example now) I can’t hold it any longer. I just need a place to splurge everything out so I could be at ease.

Among the things is about taking people’s stuff without permission. I am so not okie with this behaviour. Well, as it is stated, it is people’s stuff, so could you please have the courtesy ask for permission first. Hello, saying “may I” is not that difficult okie. In addition to that, sometimes these people is so self absorbed and treat those stuff as their own and even the owner had to ask permission or funnily the people get annoyed when the owner take control. Whatta? It is mine okie. Then, there are those who just eat what they want from the fridge and feel like it is okie to finish it without the owner even have any idea what is happening? Hello, you think people are that blind huh? We could differentiate a full packet from an empty packet okie. Have some shame please. It is not yours okie..

Then, there are these people who just love to defy their own principle. Seriously, I love them. They kept me entertained. Well, one day they say a different thing and the next they are doing it. I just laugh in my heart everytime I see such person. Seriously, they are better than sitcoms, because ther is just no ending to their behaviour, but there are seasons. This behaviour grow with age apparently, the older they are, the more they do it. Haha, thanks for being in my life, you provide me with non stop action and entertainment. In relation to these kind of people are people who hated such action but ended up they follow the people they hate. This phenomenon however happened rarely, but entertaining nonetheless. Seriously, for me they are like movies, rarely come out but give a big impact. They are the definition of hypocrisy. But I keep them for the sake of entertainment.

Then, there are these people that are famous as what we called them emo people. They are not the follower of that emo music or lifestyle, but they are the one who put depression and mood swing as part of their daily life. Okie, to be honest, I am part of them, but I try to lessen the effect. Living like that is so depressing, it harm my health. Seriously, they are annoying. When everyone is having fun, they are depressed. It brings the negative vibe to the occasion. Cheer up people (this goes to me too )..

Those are the things that I am not that satisfied, but I just keep them all in. For I know there is no point of telling them as this is personality. Nothing can change it. So, I just learn to adapt to it. So far, I have yet to lose my mind. hehehe

*easing out*

i hope i am still accepted..

today, i went out with a friend of mine for dinner. had a great talk about many things. life, current problems, love stories and many more. we talk for nearly two hours. then, upon sending her home, she gave me a reminder.
"sai, semayang maghrib"
i replied
"tgkla, klu aku dpt melupakn sesorg tu drpd otak aku"

i realised how wrong was the sentence, i was putting someone above my responsibility towards god, but i could not pull it back. what was said was said. i tried to act cool. maybe nothing will go wrong. since i did this in a playful manner. that was what i thought.

as i was going home, on my bike, my mind flew to the thought that i might have strayed away from my religion for quite some time now. i thought about so many things that i have done that i am not proud of. seriously, that 15 minutes never was as meaningful as today's journey. my eyes were teary from all the thoughts. i felt disgusted of myself. i felt undeserving to live anymore.

then, i arrived at my house. i saw my friends but i say nothing. i saw them acting like how they usually to act and i felt numb. i did not scrutinize or make remarks in my mind as i felt i am no different than others, what give me the right to have a say about them? then, i got on my bed and try to calm myself. but i failed. i lied down for quite some time until i decide to take my shower.

as i was taking my shower, i have a lot going in my mind. i wanted to clean myself as i felt so dirty. so dirty until i ditched my religion for something so worldly. i was so consumed by the worldly attraction until i did not see how far am i from the right path. i took my ablution went to my room.

there, i called my friend, the one from before. i asked her about the taubat prayer. then, i prayed. while praying, i cried a lot. i dont know whether what i am doing at that time is accepted by Him and am i still apart of His humble servant. i cried so hard. then, she messaged me about the way to do the taubat prayer. then, i did it. as i was doing it, droplets of tears fall continuously and my recitation was stuttered as my emotion was unstable. i felt great inferiority and want to be accepted. i dont want to go astray much further. during the prayer at the end, the tears were no longer stoppable. they kept falling and i dont know why is this happening. is this a sign that He still loves me? i really hope so..

never in my life has i felt like this. maybe it is a sign from above for me to go back to the accepted path and live life accordingly. i hope i am strong enough to keep this going on..

*praying*

when boredom strikes, my mind flies to you..

*caution; this is a lovey dovey post*

the study leave begins and seriously, i have nothing to worry about classes. finally, a relieve from all that. however, with the absence of the busy schedule that used to fill my daily dull and boring life, boredom strikes in. it creeps up inside me and consumes me (a line from disturbia-rihanna). thus, i am left alone feeling uneasy all at once. thus, my lappie, Etta (which has replaced Eriol which was stolen), becomes my best companion. it gives me almost everything i want. yes, almost because there are just things that you can never get from electronic items. affection and care of course. they are incapable of doing so.

thus, while surfing the net early in the morning, around 2-3 am, my mind starts to linger upon the wellbeing of you. yes you, who flew several thousand miles away to a different continent, leaving me all alone here but the love never dies. i just recently found out that the time here and there is the same. no wonder we always wear the same uniform whenever we talk to each other on webcam. haha. bimbo me. well, the bimbo that you love and i hate. :P

i wanted to contact you. but i dare not. since i know my limit. yes, we are currently on a break since i can't handle a relationship at time like now as i am a hopeless being when i am in love. i remembered when we tried for a few days as a couple in an LDR. i felt miserable and almost cry every night. thus, if i contact you again, the same thing might repeats itself. i dare not. especially at such critical hours.

so, here iam. longing to see you. but i cannot. for your presence is the thing i want the most. and also scare the most. you are my comfort, as well as my cryptonite. but one thing for sure. when i am bored, you will always be there for me. here in my mind and deep in my soul.

*missing you very much*

sleeping..

okie, i know people said you need to sleep adequately in order to keep yourself healthy and beautiful. that's why i sleep a lot.. haha, trying to justify my wrongdoing. seriously, people who know me will know how much i sleep in a day. like A LOT. i just love sleeping. since most of my time i spend in my house or watching movies on my lappie or TRYING to do yoga but gave up after a few poses (huhu), the next best thing to do would be sleeping.

today is no exception. the day started with me waking up to find out that it rained last night. seriously people, do i need to get up from the bed? well, i have to since i have a test today (whatta? today is the first day of my study leave la, it is supposed to be a leave people!). with MAJOR RELUCTANCE, i got up and get ready for the test (when i say get ready, it means putting on clothes and all, not reading, hahaha) and make my move to the faculty which situated extremely far from my house... right in front that is..

arriving there, met my ever so hardworking (?!) friends studying. haha, most at least. for those like me, we love our guts so much, we hardly read *gloating for no reason* and usually fail excellently (sob sob). okie, all in all, the test was a killer and i messed up well.

oh, before that, on the way back to the square with keys for the test room, met Tower on his way to class. first time smelled his perfume. never to forget the smell anywhere soon. aahhh *read this expression a flirty giddy girly way* man, what he was wearing was so wrong (white stripe shirt, uncle-designed necktie and a pair of glasses) but so perfect. he looks dorky and i love just the way he is.

after that, finishing up unfinished assignments. finished before the deadline although almost died doing it (seriously, my left side of brain still hurts till now). and after some chat with friends (see, still could find time to chat, such a chatterbox you Sai), i could no longer contain my sleepiness. i rushed home and change my attire, put my body on the bed and that was the last thing i remember..

woke up after some time.. check the time.. WHATTA? 7.20 PM.. 4 HOURS OF SLEEP OKIE.. even for long sleeper like me, that's long.. but i still feel unsatisfied.. going to sleep slightly early again tonight.. haha.. Sai, you sleep so much, you should be a log.. because log sleeps.. okie, that was random..

*sleepy*

Motivation.. in human form..

Okie, usually on Thursdays, I will wake up late, relax the whole morning and watch Oprah (!!), but this week’s Thursday is different. I need to wake up early and go to the faculty. There are things to be settled there. So, I woke up (reluctantly) and get ready. Then, I made my move to the faculty with a very ugly (I must say) outfit since I don’t plan to stay long there. Got my papers from my lecturer, feeling satisfied with the marks I get (hey, looking at the effort I placed on the subject and the marks, I got beyond my expectation), I decided to go back and who knows, continue what I was doing earlier, sleep of course. But something stopped me. My gut said that I can’t do that. So, I stayed.

After some time, I went to the library with my friend. Since he said that our assignment is almost done, I would like to have a look at it. Nothing bad, just checking out, since I love the subject. However, I was appalled to look at the assignments. A lot of mistakes were done, and if we continue with it, I bet I will fail the assignments. Enough okie once failed an assignment, no more. The pain is unbearable. So, with anger filling in my emotion box (?), I redo the part where it went wrong. It was tiring as this section usually take hours to finish since it is analytical thinking section. But, I was determined to finish.

When I was about to begin the work, there he came. A person who used to had a thing for me but I turned down for the sake of chasing the impossible. He arrived with a smile and sit directly in front of me. OMG, what have I turned down! He’s such a cutie hottie.. and I can’t stop checking him out. Haha, typical me, chasing over things I slipped or impossible to grasp. I just don’t get myself some time.

Okie, but I continued doing my work. Although swears were an eminent element as I was doing this, but the presence made me happy and somehow fasten the pace. Haha, talk about motivation here. As I was doing the work, I talked to my friend about what happened between me and him just to get another surprise. Yes, Tower is here. The person who made me turned down the cutie hottie came and sit next to me!!!!! Wahtta?! I felt like screaming when he asked for the chair. I was like saying to myself, take me too.. haha, OMG, behave.. but I keep doing my work with a lot of swearing. Sorry folks, swearing was part of me. I just have to ease up the tension. But as I was doing, I check them out, yes, both of them. Tower more of course.. Hehe. OMG, they are so cute!!

And yes, they were there all the time I was finishing that up. And I finished it just slightly above half an hour. Talk about motivation again here. Haha. Okie. To sum it up. I was angry with what happened with the assignment but motivated due to the two. Hehe

*hehe*

story of the night of 13/10/10

tonight, i cant do any work. because i just got no mood to do so. so, i decided to hang out at the faculty. help dydy with his part in our assignments and disturbed mary, farah, atikah and khai. seriously, i cant do anything tonight. after some time, i got bored. then, dydy said let's move to TESL square. i followed.

then, i watched RWj latest vid. hilarious as usual. saw other students from literature class who had just finished their practice. mingled a bit and continue watching. finally overheard about going out. think a bit. thought it was aa good idea. send dydy laptop back. take helmet and key, move with Po and Nazif to Uptown 24.

went there SLOWLY. arrived and played with animal at the per store. then, start exploring. look for stuff. played with makeup and perfume. move along, buy sugarcane drinks. move. buy a shawl for a girl, have no clue who. then, buy ice cream.

went to the bike. talk about life. about studies. about lecturer to be exact. laugh a bit. finally head home.

haha, imagine someone talking to you like this. all info, no colour in speech. monotonous and verbatim. seriously dreadful. content yes but practicality, no. just trying out new stuff. okie. as you can see, the story can be fun or not based on the way you tell it. if you put emotions and all, then it will be nicer. if all facts, it is just like the above. boring and dull. im just showing how some people bore me with their factual talk. now i guess you guys are bored. ahaha, pity you guys. neway, till then okie..

*random*

the most anticipated drama is yet to come..

drama; it is all part of life. life itself is a drama. dont believe me? look at the category in awards for life imitating series. they are called drama. hence, drama is life. okie, enough rambling on and on about the definition. although i try to escape drama ( one of the stupidest attend was avoiding myself from entering literature class as they have drama assessment) it looks like drama come to me. yes, even as counseling student, you need to act. and the drama goes by different name. ROLE PLAY aka counseling drama.

however, it is not as grand as the literature drama. i dont have to prepare a large amount of money for anything. we dont even have to ask for budget to carry out this production i must say. all we need is space, emotion and the people necessary. and hell yeah, it is hard. can you imagine, you may counsel people all your life, but you arent graded.. now, there will be observer who will grade you on your performance. for a psychopath like me (psychopath is heartless people, hardly show any emotion) this going to bring a lot of trouble. and mine will start in approximately 3 more hours..

so, my attempt to escape drama failed miserably. i still have drama. even worst, face to face drama. focus is on no one but yours truly only. OMG, im terrified as im writing this.

another drama that i want to talk about is life drama. here is what makes life worth living. this keeps life moving. it concerns drama in drama production. i have been hearing a lot of stories (most of them are abridged version) about what happened within the production. and it is not one sided, but several sided. quarrels, dissatisfaction, giddiness of some, annoyance, and list goes on and on. wait! where's the positive news?? it cant be all that bad people. tell me something positive about it. with all these stories, do you think people will commit fully to the production? please, put some positive vibes.. then life is meaningful. if not, this drama is going to be another drama that occurs in drama of life and end miserably.

*Drama*

Gimme a break.. will ya?

I thought I am strong. I thought I could for once, handle it. I thought after all those years, I might be ready for this. But the reality is just too painful for me to face. What am I talking about here? Well, it is actually about being in a long distance relationship, or simply said LDR. I saw a friend of mine was being so interested in this matter since he was about to go through one (currently is) and I thought to myself, it will never work. I had been into several and all failed miserably. Thus, I am at no position to believe that it will work. But it looks like things are going fine for him. Okie, good for you.

As for me, I have been in constant contact with one of my ex, let just call the person S, who flew to Perth, Australia about a year ago. We broke up at the airport since I cannot bear long distance relationship. But, nothing change. Even when we are far apart, the care for one another is the same. I never forget S and always have the same amount of care. It is as if we were never separated. After long thought, I decided to try LDR with S. But, I will put it under complicated relationship since we could never categorise what our real relationship is.

However, it lasted only for a few days. I can’t stand the fact that you are far away. Yeah, when I am not in a relationship, I am okie with the distance, but when we make it official, I got tensed up. I can’t focus on anything. I just want you. Finally, I made a call and said

“ can you gimme a break? I promise I’ll try this again once the holidays begin. I can’t focused with you on my mind. I can think no other but you..”

And S replied with nothing but just a smile and okie.. thank goodness. Well, of course S understands me. We were together before. So honey, I’m committing this holidays okie. Not now...

*on break*

who would go for beautiful boys??

i have been noticing this for a while. yeah, girls go crazy over those extremely cute and girlish looking guys, but seriously if you think deeply, will any girl even consider having them as their life partner? because they are just too beautiful, girls might get intimidated by their beauty. in the end, they are just good to see but not to have. imagine going out together and people around you keep saying that the guy is way more beautiful than the girl. if the partner is also a beautiful girl, she will get compared to none other than her significant other who is from the opposite sex on beauty basis. whatta? will you ever want to face such situation. i bet most will back out. and who will love and be with beautiful boys??

i have once discussed with a friend of mine about how unfair is this world. ugly guys can get pretty girls if he has the right materials (money, intellect and power) and how ugly girls can hardly find anyone or finally ended up with ugly guys(hey, no hard feelings here okie, this is just between me and friend. we were casually talking about this) but i added at least they still have choices. beautiful boys got no one. beautiful girls go for more manly looks since they have enough beauty in themselves and ugly girls with get intimidated by the beauty and seriously want to avoid the bad talking. thus, who is left for the beautiful guys? hmm.. please, they do not want to go for one another, they are not mostly homo, but some were forced by the situation. seriously, being beautiful sucks when you are a guy.

*i am ugly*