Thursday, October 21, 2010

i hope i am still accepted..

today, i went out with a friend of mine for dinner. had a great talk about many things. life, current problems, love stories and many more. we talk for nearly two hours. then, upon sending her home, she gave me a reminder.
"sai, semayang maghrib"
i replied
"tgkla, klu aku dpt melupakn sesorg tu drpd otak aku"

i realised how wrong was the sentence, i was putting someone above my responsibility towards god, but i could not pull it back. what was said was said. i tried to act cool. maybe nothing will go wrong. since i did this in a playful manner. that was what i thought.

as i was going home, on my bike, my mind flew to the thought that i might have strayed away from my religion for quite some time now. i thought about so many things that i have done that i am not proud of. seriously, that 15 minutes never was as meaningful as today's journey. my eyes were teary from all the thoughts. i felt disgusted of myself. i felt undeserving to live anymore.

then, i arrived at my house. i saw my friends but i say nothing. i saw them acting like how they usually to act and i felt numb. i did not scrutinize or make remarks in my mind as i felt i am no different than others, what give me the right to have a say about them? then, i got on my bed and try to calm myself. but i failed. i lied down for quite some time until i decide to take my shower.

as i was taking my shower, i have a lot going in my mind. i wanted to clean myself as i felt so dirty. so dirty until i ditched my religion for something so worldly. i was so consumed by the worldly attraction until i did not see how far am i from the right path. i took my ablution went to my room.

there, i called my friend, the one from before. i asked her about the taubat prayer. then, i prayed. while praying, i cried a lot. i dont know whether what i am doing at that time is accepted by Him and am i still apart of His humble servant. i cried so hard. then, she messaged me about the way to do the taubat prayer. then, i did it. as i was doing it, droplets of tears fall continuously and my recitation was stuttered as my emotion was unstable. i felt great inferiority and want to be accepted. i dont want to go astray much further. during the prayer at the end, the tears were no longer stoppable. they kept falling and i dont know why is this happening. is this a sign that He still loves me? i really hope so..

never in my life has i felt like this. maybe it is a sign from above for me to go back to the accepted path and live life accordingly. i hope i am strong enough to keep this going on..



spAn_kUrAk said...

God loves you :')

spAn_kUrAk said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Zouq said...

a wonderful person she is..
and even a wonderful person u r to see the god's love upon you...regardless sins we've done as human...sincere repentance will wash away the dirt...leaving you as pure as a, HE's sending his love through 'she' ...I'll pray for the best in seeking the light from God..

kudo's sai...
supportively proud of you

junior_sysco said...

span: thanks so much.. i really hope this will stay..

zouq: thanks..