i hope i am still accepted..

today, i went out with a friend of mine for dinner. had a great talk about many things. life, current problems, love stories and many more. we talk for nearly two hours. then, upon sending her home, she gave me a reminder.
"sai, semayang maghrib"
i replied
"tgkla, klu aku dpt melupakn sesorg tu drpd otak aku"

i realised how wrong was the sentence, i was putting someone above my responsibility towards god, but i could not pull it back. what was said was said. i tried to act cool. maybe nothing will go wrong. since i did this in a playful manner. that was what i thought.

as i was going home, on my bike, my mind flew to the thought that i might have strayed away from my religion for quite some time now. i thought about so many things that i have done that i am not proud of. seriously, that 15 minutes never was as meaningful as today's journey. my eyes were teary from all the thoughts. i felt disgusted of myself. i felt undeserving to live anymore.

then, i arrived at my house. i saw my friends but i say nothing. i saw them acting like how they usually to act and i felt numb. i did not scrutinize or make remarks in my mind as i felt i am no different than others, what give me the right to have a say about them? then, i got on my bed and try to calm myself. but i failed. i lied down for quite some time until i decide to take my shower.

as i was taking my shower, i have a lot going in my mind. i wanted to clean myself as i felt so dirty. so dirty until i ditched my religion for something so worldly. i was so consumed by the worldly attraction until i did not see how far am i from the right path. i took my ablution went to my room.

there, i called my friend, the one from before. i asked her about the taubat prayer. then, i prayed. while praying, i cried a lot. i dont know whether what i am doing at that time is accepted by Him and am i still apart of His humble servant. i cried so hard. then, she messaged me about the way to do the taubat prayer. then, i did it. as i was doing it, droplets of tears fall continuously and my recitation was stuttered as my emotion was unstable. i felt great inferiority and want to be accepted. i dont want to go astray much further. during the prayer at the end, the tears were no longer stoppable. they kept falling and i dont know why is this happening. is this a sign that He still loves me? i really hope so..

never in my life has i felt like this. maybe it is a sign from above for me to go back to the accepted path and live life accordingly. i hope i am strong enough to keep this going on..

*praying*