Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Tests in life..

I don’t know why, but most people said that the latest bad incident that happened to me is a test from God. Really? Well, if that is the case, He has been quite persistent in giving me tests. Non-stop since I was a young chap. Seriously, this time around I seriously could not handle the stress. Suicide, runaway, pact with the dark side, losing my religion, all have came to my mind. Seriously, I dot know if I can ever handle this time around.

The bigger question I kept on asking since the day the last incident happened is why me? Is it because I know all the rules in the religion and I chose to defy most of it? Or does God demands for my obedience towards Him? Or is God just seeing me as an interesting subject to be played with. Another interesting fact about all these ‘test’, it happens just after I learn to love the things. For example, my new lappy, just few weeks after I splurged a large amount of money to buy its accessories, then it was stolen. The same goes for the previous one. Then, when I was young, when I start to love my dad more, and on one of my most important day, the exam of my favourite subject, he fell sick. Then, on the day I was sick and my mom was asked to leave his side, he passed away. Seriously, I still feel guilty for stealing the last moment between my mum and my dad. I kept on asking God why you make me the cause of their separation. I still remember the sadness in her face. Seriously, I still feel guilty.

So, that is it. I seriously don’t know why am I so called being tested like consistently. And everytime I am being tested, something I love will be taken away. Maybe that is the reason why I hate my life, if I love it, I might lose it. I may sond like someone who does not believe in God anymore eright? Well, I am still figuring things out..

*seriously I am wondering*