turn negativity to positive energy..

so, as you all know, i am a student in my extended semester. yup, i could not finish on time due to my own choice. once people push me too much, i push away everything and start ignoring them. so, that is what happened and to be honest, at times, i do feel the regret sinking in me but at other times, i remind myself that this is a choice i made and one rule to live is to never be disappointed with any choice you made because if you do, then you are questioning your whole existence. yup, i am that harsh to myself, pray to the lord i will not be as harsh to my children later. haha

anyway, my batch mates had their convocation on last monday and it seems like a joyous day. maybe for some Frapjuous since they are the benchmark in their family. whatever it is, it is nice to see so many smiling faces but it saddened me as well as i am not a part of it. however, instead of dwelling in self pity and loathing, i decided that to use these pictures of smiling faces, instead of a slap to my face for shame, as a slap on my face to wake me up. they all believed in me at one point and i have failed them once, so i must not failed them again. i must work hard to get what i deserve, the same thing they had. maybe they won't be around during my time but i know i have succeeded thanks to them. so, that's it. those negative feelings i am feeling at the moment shall be turn into my working fuel.

please, life is to short to be living with hate..

*fired up*

bumpy ride or smooth sail?

Life is journey: Fact! there is a destination to it; Death: Fact! how it begins and how it ends is not up to us, that is the job of the higher power, but what happens in between, that is the life we're living is up to us. there are people who live a short while but it was worthwhile and some live for a long time but have been dead for the longest time. for me, living and dying is not about the beat of the heart, it is about the things you do to make you appreciate every breath you take and the memories you make. hence coming to the question; what sort of life do you aspire to have?? a smooth sail or a bumpy ride?

both have theirs cons and pros. let's not talk about it because it will take an eternity to finish.. or maybe more. the focus here is live your life the way you want it, do not fit into the mold of others because the people say so. yes, i know being deviant is not really a smart choice but come to think again, just how similar are you to the one next to you? how different are you to them? in my opinion, everyone is a deviant person for no two persons are the same, even identical twins, sharing DNA has noting to do with sharing personality. however, one needs to remember about some morals and ethics that one should have and use as a guide in going through life.

as for me, i am a fan of both because let's face it, life with no balance equals to early death, either physical (stop breathing) or emotional (not feeling alive). so, some smooth sailing journey remind me why i need those bumpy rides to be alive and those bumpy rides remind me that the goal here is to achieve the smooth sailing life. reciprocation is the key to being alive. live a balance life, don't dwell in negativity or positiveness to much because abundance of something is indulgence and over indulgence leads to abuse and abuse only brings you closer to the destination aforementioned: DEATH!

*random*

finding the escape hole..

i am in deep trouble. a fact that i know and has never denied. however, the jaded me decided not to do anything and just dwell in the problem. i have no idea what happened to the fire to live in me anymore. at times, i silently pray that my life to be taken away, because what is life when living is not what you want? as for the moment, i am trying to get myself a closure but i am nowhere near it for i am the one procrastinating. i am actually afraid that once i had my closure, i have no idea where to go forward. i am stuck in a loop of weird thoughts but to escape it, i have no capacity, or even the guts to do so. so, here i am, living like a barnacle on rocks, stuck with nowhere to go, just stay at the same place while waiting for the tide to get something to eat.

*trying to get out*

Grapes..

A very needed getaway had arrived. Despite going there with a bunch of aunties, I don't really mind because all I wanted was to get out of the house and do something. Oh, I visited a grape plantation. Can you believe that there are grape plantations in the country? I have always thought grape as a fruit of the westerners, not ours. To see and touch grapes while they are still unripe and on the tree just felt cool and weird at the same time. Anyway, I'm happy to go there..

waking up feeling tired..

the title is my current condition every day. i usually fall asleep at random times, ranging from as early as 10 and as late as 4 in the morning, and then wake up around 9-10 in the morning feeling exhausted. that is the routine of my life at the moment. i have no idea why but i have read somewhere it is a sign of your brain not resting while you are being asleep. well, can i blame myself for non stop thinking?

i have a lot at stake at the moment. first, i have yet to finish my first bachelor's degree and is unable to work because of it. okie, so i have this whole semester to finish the thesis but guess what? my brain is not geared up for anything academic. what is wrong with it? it used to be full of ideas. am i that jaded?? then, i realised due to this events in my life, my depression is saying hello from the far end of my mind and i am scared as the voice is getting nearer, as day goes by. people, if you have healthy mind, be grateful because depression never leaves you once it has been recognised. i hate looking at myself in the mirror. it reminded me of how a failure looks like. why? because i am now obese with double chins and unhealthy skin. plus, that face shows me something else that i cannot change about myself that i really want to not be. i hate living with the knowledge that i am doing or having the wrong feelings in my heart. i am a conformist and to not be able to conform to norms, i am hurt, by none others but myself. yeah, i know people might find i am being too hard on myself but that is how i treat myself. with hate. i am sick and i know it but to ask for help? i dont think i will since i am trained to be one but look at me.. haha, ironic.

i seriously hope this is just a phase in my life. however, this reoccurring depression is taking a toll on me. i am getting more and more paranoid and my control in terms of mood is getting more and more out of hand. i know the fact that i have yet to face the real world. my question to myself is will i survive? will i be able to live normally. will i ever find someone that can handle me and be together with me till the end? or will i die alone in all my fears and worries? seriously, my mind need to take a break and this post is one of the way i am trying to ask it to turn off.

*nuts*

a nutcase who doesn't know how to prioritise..

the title refers to none other but yours truly. seriously, i am having a problem in prioritising what is necessary and important in my life at the moment. i am living the moment as if i am on a break or vacation while the actual fact is, i am supposed to bust my hind off to finish something that has been put on hold by me. yes, everything that has happened in my life is all because of my own doing and i am in no place to accuse others. i am rather baffled by my lack of scare in not finishing what am i supposed to do in time. what is wrong with me? what has happened to that overly competitive side of me? what? you met failure once and now you find it hard to stand up again? guess my willpower is a sissy. and whose fault is that? me! myself!arghh, i don't get myself and i hate when this happens because i am the person who understand me the most but i cannot do anything. erghh, i'm so mad at myself, i want to jump into the sea and be eaten by fishes to release the hate. F is wrong with me? i am so disappointed with my own self..

im still a kid in the eyes of others..

Hari Raya, a day to celebrate the end of Ramadhan, the fasting month, and your success in fasting, if you are fasting. if not, it is just a celebration for you to show your latest addition to your wardrobe and catching up session with friends and families. for most, it is both and for me especially. every hari raya, i will go back to my mom's hometown for the gathering at the house of my late grandparents on my mom's side. there, i will meet with my aunts and uncles, cousins and new additions, you know, in-laws.. usually, i am very excited about this because it is not common for us to be seeing each other often because we are scattered all over the state. however, this year, i dreaded it slightly, just for the fact that i felt like a failure for not finishing my studies on time. yeah, i am that hard on myself. although i know there are more people facing the same thing, i am not used to it.

what is hari raya without the duit raya. well, usually it is given to those who are still studying and young. as the age grows, the money flows away. the older you are, the lesser you get. i, supposedly, am out of age to receive duit raya anymore. hey, im 23, i know i am an adult already although i constantly deny it. so, to be missed in terms of duit raya does not bother me anymore. however, this year, i realised that people still treat and see me like a child and give me duit raya. i got about 7 money envelopes, like what?! guess i am still a kid in people's eye..

*pleased*

Well accepted..

I dreaded the gathering. Like seriously. I did not want to meet anyone and explain my situation to people. But deep inside, I know it was inevitable. I was worried sick.

Later I found out that all my worries were for nothing because people seemed to understand it well. They did not even give me the judging look when they heard or listened about it. Guess I am blessed to have this supportive environment..

Dreaded gathering..

Family gathering has always been something that I fancy especially during festive times. However, with the current situation that I am in the moment, I dread it so much. I hate explaining and what more hurtful is their assumption of me due to past events. I promised myself that I will do my best to avoid history from repeating but somehow the effort I have put at the moment is seriously suggesting otherwise. To be honest, I don't want to keep explaining my situation but it is something inevitable. Damn, I hate this..

*life is such a drag*

The journey home..

Despite not finishing my studies this sem, I decided that this will be the last time I stay there. So, I packed my stuff, said my goodbyes and drove home. Yeah, the lecturer gave me the freedom to work through email so I am able to make such a decision. To be honest, I don't know how well will my life be because I have lived here for the past 5 years. Going back home equals starting anew somehow due to the unfamiliarity it has towards me now. To be honest, I am never at home in my own housing area. I went to different school, I played different games. Most of the time, I am the outcast. So, yeah, this time around, being older, maybe I'll finally learn how to get along with people around me. Huhu, plus, I need to find work to finance myself. I am no longer under the support of my study loan. Now, where can I find work that allows me to be a student as well? I guess it is up for me to find out. Home. At peace and turmoil.

halted life..

the last few entries have been revolving around the same theme and issue. well, this will be the last of them. regarding that thingy that is holding my life back and not making it possible to move forward. yup, my mini thesis. it is official now that i am not graduating on time due to it. on one hand, i am distraught by this revelation because i never had to actually repeat or failed a subject here in uni, so this is a first. however, on the other side, well, i guess more time for me to send something that i can actually be proud of to say mine. haha, who am i kidding, knowing me, all my work will be done in a rush manner. the only thing that keeps me going is my drive to escape death. LOL.

why with the title? well, that title is actually self explanatory but i will take my time to explain it anyway. why? it's up to me hehe. my life is halted because i cannot move forward with it. i am at a junction of both work and study but i cannot choose one and i cannot choose any at all. the situation does not allow me to move forward. so, here i am in this continuous loops of early and mid adulthood. a place where i have all the responsibility of a mid young adult but a capacity of an early just-passed-teenage-years adult. i need to care for something financially but working is not an option that is clear. shackles are on my ankle and wrist and all i can do is look around feeling numb.

need to be positive about life because life without positivity is not a life at all.

Becoming the person..

It is hard to live a life your own way when there was someone great. In my case, my late dad. He was one of the greatest persons I have known in my life. The fact is most people are hoping for me to emulate him in some ways if not all. How is that even possible? We are definitely two very distinct person despite sharing the same gene and look. I looked up to him but I never plan to be him. So, when people bring this issue up, it annoys me. Not to say that I don't love him, it is just that I cannot be like him and I have my own vision of who I am. I wish people will just stop comparing us because I can never live up to their expectations because I am a different person.

A short escape..

At the moment, I am at my hometown, taking my mind off the things that are bugging me in my life currently. It is a very much needed break if you asked me. From all the craziness that has happened to me for the past few months, my mind is on the verge of insanity. Sheesh, over the top much but yeah, that was what I felt. So now here I am with my family and all. Still, I'm keeping some secrets from them because it hurts to break the heart of the ones you love..

Failure is the option..

I tried my best. I tried to work under pressure. I tried to do all I could despite my brain decided to go against me. I wanted to meet people's expectation of me. Calling me able and all. However, for once I feel so weak. So hopeless. Like there is no way for me to get out from this pitch darkness in which the future is not in sight. I fear for myself but I am at my lowest at the moment and I am unable to help myself. My cries are unheard by many and most of the time I cry in silence or worst, in smiles. I showed a facade of a happy person when the truth is the essence of life is losing contact with me. I don't want to be a failure but that's the direction I am going. I am so gonna die. Inside but breathe this soulless vessels to satisfy others but I do not know how to. Eff am I rambling? I'm losing my mind and I am certain of that..

Not allowed to give up..

As mentioned earlier, I wanted to somehow extend my studies due to my inability to finish my mini thesis. Much to my surprise, I was not allowed to extend by the person who actually holds the future of my studies. How grateful I am to hear such a news. Although time is running out, but with the help, I might be able to graduate. If this semester is not my last, then next sem will be a hollow one for I will complete it at least. Now, I do believe in second chances..

First time on mobile..

So, I just downloaded Blogger on mobile. Well, I really think this is a good idea because sometimes switching on your computer can be such a hassle. Trust me, I'm a real lazybum.. Guess more updates will be updated then.. Haha.. So far, I'm loving it.. Given the fact that my phone screen size is adequate enough for two hands typing.. Till then.. This is not an add.. Im not paid, just sharing.. Google, you can pay me if you want.. Im doing a free ad here.. Hahaha

picking up the pieces..

i know this is too late but i will do my best to fix this. oh, i mean my current situation. how grateful i am for i have finished my internship. the problem was the work, not my colleagues, they were magnificent. could not ask for better ones. helpful and all. the only problem is my aptitude does not suit the work line. luckily i was given the chance to figure that out early. if not, i might die of heartache at really young age. haha

so now, only one thing left in front of me between my graduation and i. it is my mini thesis. yes, mini. i know it is my own fault for not doing it in the first place but you know, the idea of unable to pursue with what you wanted is underwhelming. however, it is my fault for dwelling in the abyss for way too long. i am usually strong willed, but with so many hateful things happening around me and being in constant annoyance with myself and the life, i have become weak. this is actually the first time i decided to ditch studies when it has always been my escapism. call me a geek, nerd or dork, i am guilty as charged.

i know now it is too late already to begin with and maybe finish in time, but you know what, i will just do it for the sake of satisfying myself. this is what i am good at, studying. i should be able to do this. i should do it for myself, not for others. as for grading, this would be one time that i will not fret on whatever that i will get because i know, this maybe seems like a rush work for you supervisor, but for me, this is my self redemption to myself. i owe this to me.

submitting.. to fate or defeat?

at the moment, i am hopeless and i am helpless. i have no idea what came over me and unable me to progress with life and studies to be precise. it is somehow i am stuck in a loop of stupidity and i cannot seem to snap out of it. i have been acting like i dont care when it is all in my head most of the time. then, i think of the consequences of abandoning it to me and others. i can foresee the future if the choice were made, but i cannot seem to kick myself to start. i am scared, no, to be honest, i am terrified by my own self. how indifferent by cognitive can be when my emotional is in turmoil. since when did the two part of myself decided to disassociate from each other? since when did i lose all control of my mind? since when did i became accepting to fate? since when did i start believing in fate and silver lining? since when did i succumb to defeat? so many questions, so little time left and if i am unable to get myself out of this abyss, i know i will stay in it for at least an eternity..

Struck by lightning..

have you ever watched a movie and later become afraid to move on with life because your life is exactly like the movie and the movie did not end well? well, that is Struck by Lightning to me. i see my life the way Carson saw his. no one around you understands you and you somehow speak in a different frequency or brain wavelength to others. you have a dream that you want to pursue and your really hope people agree with you and your dreams. the truth is, nobody cares. some even have the heart to destroy the dream you have. then, you saw your doom. you feel like life worth nothing and you give up in hope. then, somehow a sprinkle of hope appears in your mind and you feel rejuvenated and believe that life will be better after this for you. just when you start to be positive again, BAM, you got struck by lightning, died and your body was discovered only after 3 days.

well, as for me, so far, i have gone through most of what he had gone through. the only thing left is finding that sprinkle of hope and start looking at life positively again. somehow, due to that movie, i dreaded that moment. i am somehow afraid that the ending of this movie will be the same for me as well. struck by lightning without having a chance to prove myself and make my existence worthy. i know it is crazy to refer my life to a movie but it felt so real, i am scared..

here's the trailer if you guys are interested in the movie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bN8PFC6PKHs

unable to kickstart..

two weeks break that was meant for relaxation and joy. who am i kidding? it was meant to finish whatever we have left to end our studies and not make the faculty to be in deep shit if we as a group failed to graduate. what? i am looking from their perspective now, not only mine. okie, if i failed to finish my thesis (god forbid!), i will need to extend my study and stay here for another semester. however, if the whole batch is having the same thought, the faculty will be the one facing the consequences for they are the one in question by the university for why such phenomenon happened. to be honest, i wanted to extend just to see the faculty in trouble, but i need power of the majority and from what i can see, most are busting their ass off to finish the thesis. okie, damnation of the faculty is not possible now. huhu.

anyway, coming back to the title, i am actually still trying to start my thesis writing. seriously, i am unable to start. i have no idea how. i have no idea how to write something that has a high possibilities of rejection and might need rewriting. i hate editing. i know what i want to do and everything, but to realise it on paper is just hard. or maybe my mind is playing tricks on me saying that they are hard. have no idea which is which. but yeah, the biggest problem now is i have no idea how to start the writing process. i should surrender to fate i think and let it show me how far i can do..

beginning of the end..

as most of you have figured out, i am a uni student. currently i am in my final year and like normal final year student, i am in my internship and in the process of finishing my thesis. two things that i am not good at. however, i must pass through this just to make sure i can continue with life. i had enough of all these pressured life because i am doing something i dislike.

so, the holiday begins. yeay to everyone. however, it also marks the beginning of zombification of the whole batch due to the thesis. this sem is so cray cray, they decided to put thesis alongside internship and expect us to show up and discuss with supervisors. bitch, aint nobody got time for that. we do daily planning in our internship for that's the requirement of the field. we aint working with papers, it's people or to be exact, children and teenagers. nobody got time for thinking about elaborated essays and research when daily encounters are as vicious as gladiators battle. by the way, i have developed a health condition due to the internship. yeah, beginning of the end.. of my life!

so, will try to finish whatever i need to do in order to graduate. to be honest, i am sick and tired of this..

bitterness overload..

as bitter as coffee without any sugar and creamer. just plain black coffee with coal of butter or margarine coating the outer layer of the seed. seriously, a lot of things in my life dissatisfy me at the moment. the fact that i am doing the things that i dislike is one thing. then, i have this something that holds the future of me in its hand and i am at no capacity to fulfill it at the moment. i am still waiting for that inner me to wake up and gives me the slap of the year to get me moving. to be honest, these two things is making me feel unhealthy.

then, concerning the heart. eff for worrying too much. eff for saying that i may not be able to focus on the person. eff to the caring mind. i forgot that i might need support as well. i am not the one giving support all the time, i might receive it as well. stupid me for rejecting that love and now the person is the one that got away. well, you have spared yourself a miserable piece of bitterness from being a part of your life. be happy with that. as for me, i'll continue being like this. alone and no one to talk too.

i am seeing fake anywhere. yes, i know fake for i am fake myself at times. but seriously, you guys do realise i realise the whole situation? it is only that i choose to just play along. seriously, i reside on fake for i am not sure do i have any real in my life. yes, i am that sad and pathetic.

okie, back to reality.

*depressed*

Still not loving it..

People say that sometimes things that you do not like, if you really put your head into it, finally will get into your head and in the end, love for it will come. Well, blame me exceptional for I am still not in love with what I am doing to finish my course of study despite dwelling in it for more than half of it now. I have no idea why. Well, maybe I am just not made for it. Not the right fit. No point trying to squeeze yourself fitting into a pants too tight or too loose for you. Try to look up something sizeable to you. You will look good and feel good. Not feel bad and look bad. It is that simple. I wish what I wrote in the last sentence is true. About how easy it is to satiate a heart of a human. Please, we are creatures of desire. Most of the time, we want things not we need things. We make the wants become our needs and ended up dying of frustration. Oh, why do not you look at that? How bitter do I sound? Well, that is just me being human. Aint no angel for angels are devotees and do only what the One as them to do. I am a human of will and emotion and lust.

Tried to make the situation seems more inviting. I tend to not think much about them during the practice. But you know what? That just will not happen. I am easily affected by their behaviour despite my attempts to be nonchalant about whatever they are doing in my practice for them. Well, some do make me feel like there is a purpose to what I am doing but most just make me feel it is better for me to just be quiet and see them grow on their own aka neglecting them all together. These are the young ones. The other groups, who is older by just a mere year is a different story. They bring me emotional turmoil from their indifference about my existence. Imagine coming for them, only to be turned down right on the face. Yeah, that feeling of being rejected all over again. Aint beautiful the first time, never gonna be beautiful anytime later. Erghh, how I wish to just run away from all these and reside at a beach house and befriend the welcoming wave and sea breeze. What? Company of non-animates is sometimes better than those with emotions.

*bitter and tired*

i dont want to pursue in this..

you know what is sad about life at the moment? when you realise what have you learned for the past years is not your true passion or calling in life. the reality just hit you bad and make you feel helpless at times. seriously, now i know the meaning of follow your heart, even when the brain says another.

it is true what i learned for the past four years promises me a better future and a good job prospect. however, at the expense of what? my sanity? my life? i know i sound like an annoying bitch ranting about dissatisfaction and how the world does not function to my benefit but i just need to say it. i should have followed my dream, even though it was less stable than this.

i have always dreamed to be an artist of some sort. let it be visual or literal arts. or maybe even performing. any sort of arts will be good. art is life, at least from my point of view. well, my career interest inventory test suggested that i am an artistic person hence the reason why i only see art as my choice of career. but that 18 year old me who grew up too fast and started thinking rationally too early in life decided that i should do something that promises a future that is stable. a future in which i will have enough money to buy me things and also support the people in my family. a stable life. but what is stability without sanity, without passion in life, passion to live? yes, the younger me did not see this due to my distorted perception due to lack of experience in young age. it is true when people say, young minds make rash decision, despite how matured they think they are.

i thought what i took was something else. i love just a part of it. not the whole picture. the problem is the part that i love is very small as compared to the one that i did not expect to face. yes, i was wrong. the other part was treacherous and was nowhere near my interest. in fact, most of the time, i focused in class just to avoid sleep. now, the practicum has arrived and the other parts that i am not interested in at all is the major component of it. plus, add some more people into it, okie children to be exact. the stage in life that i dislike the most, childhood, where mind are immature and rules meant nothing. i dislike their guts. huhu. i am not meant to work with people, especially kids. i do things according to my own rules. not to accommodate others. well, i can follow a system, but not totally into the system. i am not against the rules, i play within its borders.

this is one of those moment you wish to go back in time and fix the problem. well, if this is possible, i think the world today will be a very weird place with reality changing on daily basis. but that wishful thinking cannot be stopped for i am now at my lowest low. seriously, i am just breathing, not living.

*bitter and i know it*

Secrets..

Secrets are things that you decide not to tell others about. Maybe because the thing is hurtful, embarrassing or just plain personal. The person that you told your secrets to must be someone special to earn such a trust from you. Usually, secrets involves you but at the expense of others. They will be people affected by that secret that you decide to keep to yourself.

I know this for certain for I am a victim of secrets at the moment. One’s uncertainty resulted in me being in deep trouble. Not that I want to blame the person, but the person action has made me in a very troubled situation at the moment. Let me not elaborate since it is personal. Another case of secret victimising me is I know a secret that someone has decided to keep from the knowledge of the family despite knowing how it will affect the family. I am in no power to reveal it because it does not concern me personally but the people around me. At times, I do feel like telling but it will be a breach of trust and also it is nowhere my rights to do so. I hate keeping secrets. Especially when it is not mine..

*zipping my mouth shut*

Finding a partner..

Once, a lecturer of mine asked me this question whether I have anyone at the moment. To be honest, I have no one at the moment. Since my break up 3 years ago, I found it hard to fall to another person. It is not that I am not moved on, but the fact that I am now more conscious in my search for a partner. I am no longer open for game; I am ready to settle down.

From the previous relationships, I have learnt what I want in my partner. I don’t look for perfection; I know such does not exist. I will look for someone who loves me the same way and the same amount as I am towards the person. The feeling must be mutual. Flaws, I will learn to tolerate it. Tolerance is important. I don’t plan to change the person I love into something I want because I know; changing the essence of someone will kill the person you love. Believe me, I know this for sure. In my past relationships, I did love them for what they are, not how they are. There are things that I tolerated because I treasured the relationship more than the little things that bother me. It is safe to say, I never break up due to little things, usually it is because of love faded or we found someone else during conflicting times.

So, I am now trying to open my heart again to accept someone new into it. To fill in the gap left by the one before. I hope the next one will be the last, or my last lesson.

*love is in the air*

Becoming a ghost writer..

First of all, what is a ghost writer? A ghost writer is a writer who writes stories on behalf of others, such as biography writers. Well, it has always come to me that maybe someday I will make a living from writing. Once, I wanted to become a columnist because somehow I know how to give advice but never really know how to follow one. However, I know I can never be a good columnist because of several reasons. Firstly, I don’t write that often, please you can just from the frequency I update this blog. Haha. Second, I need full information on something before I embark on the journey of writing the piece, lacking in any aspect will make me worried sick. Huhu. Last but totally not least, I am an emotional writer. I write when the mood is right. If not, no matter how hard I try, nothing will come out. So, columnist is no longer in the list of future prospect. Haha

Why ghost writer? Well, I love to be someone else for once. Listening to their stories about their lives and writing down the stories for them and in the same time, imagining what it is like to live their lives. Sometimes, life is different when you see from a different set of eyes. Your problems might be nothing to them and your success might mean nothing to some. It makes you realise life does not revolve around you only. Life is about the reality that you create but you are not the only actor, others are involved and in their mind, they are a director as well, just as you are. So, being a ghost writer will totally open up your perspectives, and also gives you a chance to be in the shoe of others, let it be too big or too small to fit you. The feeling will not last, but the memories will.

*job prospect*

Have not read a single thing..

Since coming back from SA, I have not read a single book. Well, there have been a few comics but no book; you know those which are filled with words and with little or no illustration at all. I have no idea why. I actually like the idea of reading books but this time around I just could not find any book that captures my attention. A book that excites me. A book that allows me to imagine a world that is not known to others but me. I just could not find the book.

Seeing a few of my friends posting pictures on social media sites on books that they have read so far is actually depressing. I used to be that kid who reads a lot. But no longer. I don’t know what stopped me. Or maybe I just want to enjoy trivial things for a while, you know things that do not ask me to think a lot, just do and be done with it. Huhu, it’s funny that I am troubled that I am not reading. Usually, I am troubled when I have to read, not the opposite has happened. Mind, make yourself up :P.

*looking for books*

The Calmness

At the moment, as I am writing this, I am at my hometown and in the comfort of my family. However, with the calmness that is overwhelming me at the moment, I am not sure whether this is the truth or a lie told by my mind to me to fog the truth that lies behind. It is the calm before the storm type of calmness. Well, I think I am just worried because I have not developed myself enough academically and personally.

As I am currently in my final year, I have two big things that are the obstacles that will hinder me from getting my degree. They are known as dissertation and practicum. Two of the biggest tasks that you will need to face in your tertiary education journey. To be honest, I don’t think that I am ready for any of those. Practicum? I don’t think I am a good teacher. Not that I don’t know my subject matter, I don’t think I have the personality to teach. Looking at previous assessment on teaching, I don’t think I will do good. However, I am positive that I will pass it. Though I might be good, I will be good enough. Hey, it is not only my education is on the line, my future students’ too. Their mistake due to my teaching will haunt me, forever! Huhu, yeah, I am aspired to improve education here.

For my dissertation, I am still not sure on what to write. I have the view of what to do but can I materialise it? That is the question. Plus, it must be research based which is a troublesome. But please, I need to finish this to get my degree so I will do my best to finish it. I must finish it or I will be finished!

*annoyed*

sudden clarity..

haha, new year is here and here i am, still affected by whatever that has happened from last year. oh please, last year was just yesterday, do not expect me to move on that quickly. i am slow at that.. what? moving on i mean. that is just something i am not good at. pfft, here i am again ranting about how hard it is for me to move on.. darn it Sai, enough.. okie, awkward inner fight just commenced.. nevermind..

oh, anyway, you know how much i love sketching dresses? like a lot. i sketch at all times, as long as there are pen/pencil and paper, i will sketch. i do not know why, i just feel like it. so just now, i was looking at my sketches and it came to me. i am never going to be able to make these come true. well, i do not have the right resources to begin with and i am not sure whether this is a dream that is within reach or just a fantasy i create to really express myself. one thing for sure, i am somehow going to put a halt to that dream for i know it is a waste to keep on thinking about something that will not happen. it is not that i am giving up dreams, i am just being realistic. i am just a human, nothing much i can do in this world. better that i stick with whatever i am doing right now and try to find the balance i need in life. throwing away dreams is not bad, it is just getting even with life. sometimes, what you want is not what you need.

then, regarding matters of the heart. to be honest, being single for the past two years has been my own choice and also my own fault. as aforementioned, i find it hard to move on. i held on to memories and seriously do not live in the moment. with that choice, i live a ruined life. seriously, i want to start anew. i dont mind not having anyone because at the moment i dont think i am fit to be with anyone. but i must no longer live with memories.. seriously, people say there is nothing wrong with having fond memories? BS! this fond memories are the one holding me back, keeping me in a time capsule, making me that non responsive thing i call myself. seriously, i need to let go. how? i should consult myself then.. i am my own counselor.. darn it when the counselor themselves is unable to help..

*turning over a new leaf*