Day goes by..

Finally, internet is within my reach. That can only mean one thing, yes people, I am back in SA and my new semester has begun. Seriously, I want to focus on my study more this semester since I was so not focus about it last semester. All due to what? None other than the usual people of my age and stage of life most significant conflict; intimacy versus solitary. Or easier said love or more specific matters of the heart. Haha, very particular huh about a term. So, this sem, all disturbances form that matter are no longer exist (that means I broke up and had no one to rebound and seriously trying to move on), I surely hope education and studies is my new priority.

Oh yeah, we also have entered the New Year. Hello 2011, bye bye 2010. With this new year, I wish for all the good thing to come and make my life more meaningful and prosperous. No more heartache I wish. Friends, I hope I can get more of them later and achieve a few more success that I could be proud of. Hmm, okie, that is all for now. Later..

*new year*

I just cannot forgive you..

I am not a grudge holder. I do not hold grudge for people often. Most of the time, when people do wrong to me, I will take some time to think about it, get crazy because of it, cry because of it and finally let the thing pass through me. Grudge hardly clings on to me. Not to say that I do not hold any grudge at all, I do hold some that is too hard to be forgiven and forgotten. But none of my grudges are as bad as this one grudge I am holding for someone I used to call a friend. Let me assign the former friend as “IHU”

This one incident is still very much fresh in my mind. I am able to recall everything that happened and how much I despise that person for ever doing that to me. Seriously, that incident is so bad, I should have launched a report on it, which I did not since I considered IHU as my friend. I even got nightmares about it sometimes. To be honest, that incident took something from me. The capability to love someone, physically. Emotionally, I am able to love someone, but physically I became extremely defensive and a slight touch can cause me to be terrified of the person I love. I am just too scared. Thanks so much “friend”.

I cannot think of IHU, I cannot bear to look at pictures that have IHU inside. I cannot even read IHU name without despising from the bottom of my heart. After thoroughly thinking, I have decided that I will throw the memory away by removing everything that is connected to IHU. Seriously, I am deleting you, IHU.. do not ever attempt to get close to me anymore for that was the mistake I made that make me who I am now. I want to get over the incident and move on with life. I will think of you as a part of a bad nightmare that will be gone once I am awake from my sleep.. please, go away..

*trying to forget, not to forgive*

my dad is no longer with us.. Ayah..

my dad passed away..

i have nothing to write on it because i dont know what i feel about it..

i just pray that he will be placed with good and faithful people in the hereafter..

It looks like I will have to live with these facts..

First of all, I would like to apologise for leaving this blog for quite some time now. I have no internet connection in my house. So, even if I really want to use the net so bad, I just could not. Okie, actually I have been writing through this hiatus even though I did not publish the pieces. Mostly are updates and emotions, seriously blogging is something so close to me, I cannot stop. Among the topics are:-

• About my playlist, it understands me too much. It just knew what song to play according to my mood. Seriously, I love it but when I am sad, I hate it. Haha
• About being scolded by my parents for not depending on them (?!). Sorry, you guys thought me to back out from asking anything too much back in my younger years and now, I just do not know how to do it anymore. I depend on myself only.
• About the health issue. A lot of my family members are sick currently. Fever, dengue, torn muscle etc. I pray for good health here.
• About part time work. Not going to happen here. My dad is admitted to the hospital and I need to visit him every day.
But I want more money!
• About economy (?!). Price of fuel is up again and being a slightly fortunate has a lot of downsides.

That is what I have written during this hiatus. Hope to give you guys more updates okie.

*currently in an emotional storm*

Looking back..

Yesterday, I stroll into my FB account for no apparent reason. I just feel like doing it. Then, I stumbled upon my collection of notes. Some are from way before, back in my foundation year. Upon reading it, memories are recalled. Sweet and bitter combined. Friendship, relationship and any other ship that I have put myself aboard. OMG, how different I was back then. I was more confident, random and seriously, more fun to hang out with. I was always known for my loudness.

Now, I am just a boring person. A person who would rather die and rot in his room than to go out and have fun. A guy who thinks about everything critically and analytically until finally decided to stop from doing anything. Oh my, how time has changed me. I am also not as loud as before, not as wild and certainly, not as fun.

So, I am thinking to revert back to the old me, but still keeping the positive sides of the new me. This is because I realised back then I was happier and livelier. Life certainly was better. I want life now is better. Hence, changes should be made and friends, I will try to say yes to every single chances of having fun. Hehe

*old is gold*

Goodbye initial 1..

For the past 10 years of my life, I have been telling people about how long have I been on this earth by stating numbers with initial of 1. But, form today onwards, 14 November 2010, I shall introduce myself using initial 2. Haha, such a weird intro for a blog entry huh? Actually I am writing about my 20ty birthday. Finally, the day has come. I am officially old huhu (TOT).. I do not remember who among us who create the rule that if you are 20, then you are officially old. It is because when you tell people “hey, I am 19”, people will mostly reply “you are still young’ but when you say “I’m 20” people will say “okie” instead. That ‘okie’ stands for politically correct answer of you are old.. There I go, talking about how bad it is being old.

Come to think again, there is nothing wrong with being old. Actually it is kind of fun. Finally, you are allowed to feel mad and scold little children without them retaliating back to you for you have authority now. Then, you can make old and matured remarks and not being scrutinised for it. It is actually cool to be old. So, I am so embracing it with positive mind. Hello 20!!

Oh, about the birthday. Nothing much actually. Woke up at my usual time. Then, saw the long-time-no-see nasi lemak on the kitchen table. Hmm, love the taste, it never change. Then, watch tv, went for lunch at the now-typical restaurant for my family and then bought myself a cake. Yup, decided to buy instead of baking since everyone is so lazy to do so. Cooked for dinner, called my cousin and auntie, my sister and her husband and had dinner. That sums up everything. Nothing fun happened in between events. Huhu, boring..

Whatever it is, I am glad that I have safely lived on this earth for 20 years. Yeay..

*20*

The same feeling all over again..

Human are known to be such an insatiable creature. We can never feel satisfied with what we have. Being a human myself, I am no exception. I still remember, back in SA, how I want to be somewhere else. Especially home. Life is such a dread over there. So, when I finally got the chance to come back home, I am more than glad. But, once I am here, I am happy, but only for a moment. I got bored easily here. I wonder how I survived the past 18 years of my life here. Okie, maybe back then I am not so active and I do not have much freedom. Hence going out was never an option. But now I have seen the world on my own set of eyes and move on my own set of feet, not being able to feel such freedom is dreadful. Huhu, now I understand what my other friend said when he told me that back in his hometown, he will miss SA. Guess what? I am feeling it too.

Seriously, I need to fill my free time. I feel like going to work. But I am a bit choosy. Okie, not a bit, a lot actually *shame*. I don’t want to work in food industry although that is the industry that provide most working chances. I would rather work as handyman than working as a food server. I don’t know why. Maybe because I loathe food nowadays. Seriously, I don’t fancy food anymore. Eating is not really a compulsory now. The reason for eating right now is to continue living and that is it. Huhu. Goodness sake, I am bored. Need to do something important and fulfilling now. So that I don’t feel like my life is wasted all over again. Plus, not doing anything might add to my weight.. OMG!!

*dead bored*

Digital downturn..

Okie, the title here stands for two purposes. First is I am telling about my current situation. I am back in my hometown and I have no internet connection. Huhu, this is so sad since I cannot go online as much as I usually do back in SA. But I will start writing offline blogposts like I usually do when I am home. So sorry, updates will be very late and few.

Another would be the topic that I am discussing right now. Prices of digital goods have gone down quite severely I must say. The lappy that I am currently using which cost me around 2k last few month is now down by 400++. Okie, I have seen this situation happened before and what usually happen later in the future is the prices will receive a boomer. It will go up till up to a level digital items is treated as luxurious items. Huhu, if I know this day will come, I would have wait. At least I will save some money. Huhu, seriously, if lappy was not such a dire need, I would have wait. But now, no point of regretting, what is done is done. Fine

*grrr..*

Obnoxious behaviour..

I got inspired to write this while I was on the train. Seriously, although they might not realised this, but there are some out there who have nothing but obnoxious behaviour. I wonder how they live with such behaviour. Here are some examples I saw today.

Bringing friends to your date just to ignore them:-
I hate this behaviour. Like a lot. Been into several events of such behaviour already. Seriously, you want to go out with your so-called loved one and you drag your friends along. To wait for the train, the bus and so on and so forth. But once the partner arrives, the friends lost their significance. They becomes nothing more than just moving lamp posts. I hate this. Seriously, if you bring your friend along, treat them well, don’t make them feel like idiots. Huh..

PDA in non-designated area:-
Okie, I get it, you guys are in love. There is nothing wrong in showing your love to the public. But please, do it in designated area only. Not all places. Especially not the train where rule of do not misbehave applied. Besides, there are also adults the age of your mum and dad, not forgetting grandma and grandpa. Do you think your behaviour is proper in their eyes? Think again if you think it is cool.

Talking loudly and boastfully:-
So, you got knowledge about something. Yeay to you for that. But seriously, do you need to talk loudly about it in public area? Another thing, okie maybe you are successful in your life, do you really need to share that with unknown people whom you just met? Seriously, this kind of people is annoying!! Period.
Those are what I got to witness today. Seriously, it was tiring. I just feel like shaking them and talk to their face to stop doing that. Haish..

*annoyed*

Finally, it ends..

I still remember earlier this semester, how whiny was I about will I survive this semester since I am so not motivated to continue my studies. Well, guess what? The semester has officially ended for me the moment I answered my last examination paper yesterday. Huhu, finally it ends and I am glad that it ends. Seriously, I have no idea how I performed this semester. Let just pray that everything is good, like the usual. Yeah, and iam going back to my hometown tomorrow. Huhu, it has been a while since I last went back there. Well, I am not well off and could not afford to go back often *add sympathetic song here*.

Seriously, a lot happen to me in matters of the heart department. Those who read this blog will know what those events are. Whatever it is, I am going to put those past behind and start anew. I am so going to enjoy my holiday. Maybe by working? Whatta? I never worked all my life, but I am thinking of working this time around. Seriously, I need more cash than usual nowadays. Haha. To shop of course. I cannot remember the last time I shop for pleasure. Usually, I will have to think a lot before shopping, this time around I want to shop till I drop. Because I cannot handle the shopping bags anymore. Haha. How good is life if it is like that huhu *add another sympathetic song here*

Whatever it is, I am just happy the semester has ended. I will say goodbye to everything that has happened this semester and I will welcome the new life I have ahead of me.

p/s: this is my 200th post. Yeay..

*relieved*

answer using my guts..

As I am writing this entry, I am actually trying my best to learn for the exam I will have at 2 pm later. Why do I say learn instead of study? Because I don’t feel like I have learn anything for the past 14 weeks. All we do in class were discussing about problems and chatting about life. It was never formal education. okie, maybe there are some, for like 5 minutes in the beginning of the class. Then, it is all life in a controlled environment. Hence the struggle to learn now. Just hope everything turns alright in the end.

One of the most repeated acts I had done this semester is to answer my test and exam paper using nothing more than my gut. Haha, seriously, it is so dangerous since I was never sure what are the correct answers and usually I just ramble on the paper, arrange words in line until it makes sense and seems like portraying and idea and then I stop. Those who know me will know I never answer my papers long. They are always short answers. By far, my gut has done me good. My test results have been more than expected. Well, I guess all the attention I paid in class finally pays.
Okie, that’s all for now. Need to study. Or learn. Who knows..

*gut, help me please?*

somewhere over the rainbow..

i realised recently i got no mood to write at all. writing becomes a dread for me. if possible, i would leave the world of blogging for good. because i am just not inspired. by anything, anyone. besides, the new skin i selected was so not me. yeah, i might be nerdy and geeky as suggested by all the pen and paper ( if you guys don't get it, it shows organization and planning.. a common element associated to geek and nerds since they are so smart, they are organised.. yeah right.. we aren't!!) but i am actually more to a dark person with a lot of conflicts, internally and externally, alongside enjoying the wonder of the world and put down my random thoughts. hence, i need to find a skin that suits me.

finding one is no easy task. i need to browse through several other websites and blogs. seriously, got bored and frustrated half way through since nothing shows who i am. the situation went on until i stumbled with this skin. it has everything that i love. the dark shades ( not to mention, a big dark shades, shows really who i am, a very reserved and always hiding and BIG.. it also resembles what is within me) the colour orange (my fave colour, yeayo!!), rainbow with extra orange (rainbow symbolises hope for me)and silhouette of flying birds ( what i am trying to look for in myself, freedom from myself). another things is when i look at the picture, it is so vibrant and gay on one side and dark on the other side, which is so me. what is outside is so not what is inside. besides that, the name of the template is "Somewhere Over The Rainbow", one of my favourite song and phrase. i always use it when people ask me where i am from and i dont feel like answering. hehe.

therefore, this skin totally is to my liking as it shows who i am inside and outside. i am glad and seriously quite happy to know actually there are people who understand me. all in all, i love my skin, both actual and blog.

*the blog that is me*

MIFA.. I like..

First of all, if you people have no idea what MIFA or MIFW is, it is the Malaysian International Fashion Week. I went for it on the 5th of November 2010 and I must say, I am glad I went for it.

Seriously, I heard about the news of a friend of mine going a few days back during an outing with him. But he says nothing about it, so I don’t really put high hope on going to the event since it needs passes to get through. But, on the night of 4th, he sent me a text message telling me about he is going to the event and I asked, “May I follow?” And he said yeah. Seriously, I was happy since I love fashion and being able to attend a fashion show, OMG, it is like a dream come true. But there is a catch; I need to be a photographer. Whatta? As you guys know, I have mentioned earlier, I am no good at the pics department, and now I am a photographer in disguise? Wow to myself. The best thing is I need to handle a DSLR, an even harder task since normal camera is hard enough from me. Huhu..

Plus, my economy at the current moment is so not promising. Thus, spending more than necessary is so not needed now. Hence, I had a long thinking before finally deciding to go for it. I got ready the next morning after a very late night sleep and got to see my friend. To my surprise, in the initial plan, there were supposed to be more but ended up only 2 of us were going. Okie, got on the bus and went to KL central. Then we took monorail to Raja Chulan, not BB to Pavilion. Okie, it is nearer people. Arrived and met the person who invited us. There only we got to know the name of the designer that we were about to work for. Okie, he was shy at first because he did not talk to us directly at first, but we were okie with. Then, we registered at the media place. Seriously, we were scared when we heard we need to pay. It turned out, we do not need to pay at all, just give the name of the designer. Fuhh, luckily.

Then, the event starts. And it goes on. Until late at night. And we were there till late at night, but not till the end. Because we had to go due to situation. Huhu, all in all, the experience was hot. The designs were awesome, most of them. Some are okie and some (I am so sorry) BORING.. but looking at all the design and feeling all the things that happened, I believe fashion industry in Malaysia will go forward. Whatever it is, I think I am falling for photography, but to do it seriously? maybe once I am rich and got nothing to do.. haha

*I hate unprofessional photographer*

and you chose to..

*this is a continuance from “sorry..”*

Perth made me wait for 3 days. In the mean time, I busy myself with all the studying. But, I cannot study at all. My mind wonders around. At times, I am worried sick about what would Perth answer be. Seriously, this is the first time I am at no power in deciding where the relationship goes. Perth went invisible on the net and I got no way to contact Perth. How I wish I have the international number.

I don’t know what to wish for. To stay in the relationship? I have done a lot of cruelty to Perth seriously. I have made Perth wait for 2 years, see and call only when I got no one else, treat him like a second best and many more actions that I am no way near proud about. To get over with the relationship? Seriously, I need Perth to hold me together as I am one wrecked mess and Perth was one of the people who know how to put me back into one when I am all shattered down. Perth has always been my comfort every time I am sad and broken and always have something wise and mature to say when childishness take control of me. No matter which decision that Perth make, there are pro and cons. That is the norm of life. How I wish sometimes it is always for the better only.

As I was browsing through my email, Perth starts the conversation with me. That is a first since usually I will be the one starting the conversation, not the other way around. I sensed something not good will happen. I still keep what is left in the Pandora’s box in my heart. Hope. Perth wrote

“I’ve made up my mind”
“and?”
“off”

I was shocked by the answer but not really a surprise. After all the harm I had done to the relationship, it is not hard to think of the worst. But, feeling being left alone for the first time seriously shocked me. That is a first. However, I kept my cool and accept the decision. But deep inside I wanted to cry. But I kept all the tears inside. Never to be out. Maybe once everything is just too unbearable, then they will roll out from my eyes. For now, I am yet to cry. I just realised, Perth is the only person who had made me cry the most. But one thing that is quite comforting is Perth gave me his word about I can always tell my heart out like the usual, and when we found new partner, our relationship will stay like the usual, not to change. Okie, at least I did not lose a friend. Then, we went offline.

I am still very much hurt by what happened. Not angry of Perth, but myself for making the mistake that I should have not done. But what happened, happened. I think there is silver lining behind what has happened. At last, the both of us got to move on after the 3rd breakup already. I wish for all the best.

*sad but moving on*

hanging out.. and opening up..

Earlier today, my friends and I went for an outing together. After finishing up some business, we went to a restaurant to have something to eat and drink. Besides, it is hard for the four of us to hang out together so we find this as an opportunity to catch up with one another. We talk about a lot of stuff. Like talk and talk until we have no more topics.

Then, one of my friends asked a question about what are our dislikes among one another. The answers need to be honest and no hard feelings should be taken. Thus, we all opened up. To my surprise (not really actually), most of them find that my effortlessness as annoying. I am so sorry people, I cannot change that. Then the topic starts to move outside our circle, and how I am glad it did.

Now I know that I am not the only one feeling such feelings towards this particular group of people. There are people that feel the same too. Hence this proves that I am not doing something wrong for disliking them. Seriously, I am glad I am not alone.

We talked for about 3 hours ++ and seriously, everything was poured out. But, like the saying goes, what happened in Vegas, stays in Vegas, only this time the place is a table in a mamak restaurant..

*poured out*

expecting a storm, but it only drizzles..

this entry has got nothing to do with the weather, although i would love to mention about the weather yesterday where there was a sudden storm hits my neighbourhood. seriously, it was SCARY. the wind shut all my window and brought along a very heavy but short rain. hmm, luckily i did no do my laundry yesterday. if not, i would be wailing all day long *hyperbole inserted there*. hehe



if only all storms are that beautiful :p

back to the topic, it is actually about my exam. the subject is Phonetics. i love the subject, like seriously. okie, maybe because i am a person who has interest in linguistics subject, hence the interest. others who hate it, like i care. haha. as long as i love it, what others say would not matter. reverting back after much astray, the exam was expected to be hard and bad, like severely bad, but it turn out quite acceptable. it is not as hard as most would expect and seriously, all the midnight oil burned for it feels like a big waste now (should have focus on psychology more!). hmm, but all in all, i am happy with it. at least i know i will not screw up. :)

so that is it. still have papers later. psychology and counseling. going to work hard for both subjects since both are extremely factual. going to be a book worm again. hey, i am suddenly reminded of the game BookWorm Deluxe. anybody has it?



*about to read again*

read..

i love reading. and i read random stuff. sometimes academic, sometimes chick flick and sometimes mystery and gory stuff. but all in all, i love reading. however, it must be accompanied with mood. without the right mood, reading just will not work.

as for now, academic reading is so in since we are in examination corner already. seriously, the mood is not in, eventhough i am very interested in the topic (seriously, who would hate linguistics?, i won't) but i just cannot read. thus, the whole reading become a drag. a baggage i have to carry, involuntarily. i seriously hope i will remember what i have and will read (the exam is on this Sunday!). Gosh, a good book might invoke the mood of reading in me, surely not that book, it is more to rambling than textbook (talk about centration here; FYI, centration is when you only think of your perspective only and disregard others). so, i will read it since i need to prepare for the exam but seriously, read to love.. LATER!!

i crave for a good book to read for months already. i just failed to find any. seriously, if there are any suggestion on good books, do tell me. FYI, not in the mood of depressive books since has read a lot of them. i need books with more positive vibes. seriously, a good book can do a lot of change.

another thing that i always read nowadays is blogpost of course. i have been online quite often lately and i blogwalk a lot. seriously, reading blogs is interesting since i dont have to flip pages (okie, scrolling down maybe) and the story are mostly -mostly- genuine. on the downside, it took up most of my time (T0T)..

seriously, i am so not in the mood of reading, but i have to. please, give me strength to hold on and keep on reading..

*trying to read*

sorry..

i am on a break. with that particular someone. let call the person Perth. okie, called the person S before but Perth have more impact in me. just because i could not handle burden of relationship and studies at the same time. besides, the distance is killing me too. although not that bad for the person. seriously, without the presence, i tend to forget. i forget about the whole thing. i start looking at others. and i start falling at others. but, i am still very much attached to the person. hence the feeling of guilt and all. seriously, i feel so wrong with every liking.

i tell Perth everything. i tell about emotional and life matters too. and seriously, i tell Perth about Tower and Perth is okie with it. but i am the one feeling so wrong, since i think my feeling is changing. seriously, i am putting Tower before Perth but Perth is the one i am with. i even imagine myself with Tower than with Perth. whatta? as usual, i am chasing the impossible and trying to leave what i have in hand right now.

Perth, i am so sorry. i think i could not commit to this relationship if my mind keep on thinking about someone outside it. seriously, the love? i have nothing to say since i am uncertain about every aspect in it. yes, you have comforted me by saying you are not affected at all by all the feeling i have for Tower but still, i am the one facing it. and i dont know for how long will this last. i have made you wait before, it will be cruel if i do this again. seriously, i dont want to toy with your feeling anymore. Please, this time i will let you make the decision. i will accept it no matter what.

*urghh*

Gossip..

tonight is a night like no other. it is the night where things returned to how it used to be back then, a bunch of friends, sitting together, sharing no other than gossips and not to mention, astray from the topic for a few times. a lot of times to be exact, until up to a level where we totally forgot where were we. but seriously, it shows that no matter how long has it been since we last hang out together, with our sleeping attire, more like a slumber party but nobody planned to go to sleep, the situation will always be the same. one will open the topic and others will add with their input or versions they have heard or seen. and that what we do at this time. Gossip all the way through.

gossiping has always been a part of me. sometime the gossip is not really gossip but more to releasing the anger steam from inside. at least by sharing, all will know and who knows, those who have no idea about such an event will become well versed in it. okie, but not in a good way since gossip mostly consist of nasty and bad stories of the gossip target. they do not deserve to get the title victim since they have proved themselves to be called target. usually i will be the trigger because as mentioned before, my heart is hard to be satisfied, hence having the most stories. however, my stories are usually supported by the fellow gossipers because usually they face the same problems but never thought anybody would share such thoughts. well, g-friends stays forever.

another thing about being a gossiper is we must stay neutral and natural. never show your actual emotion in front of the target. seriously, you need them one way or another, thus no point of hating or make them hate you. thus, be courteous when you are with them and act as if nothing happened. smile, cry, laugh appropriately with them. like how you would be with any other people because usually after one gossip session, the story stays there and never to be brought up outside or till the next session if more problems arise. all in all, usually gossip happens among friends. do not let gossip tear your friendship down. it should strengthen it. how? figure it out yourself.

okie, that is all i have to say about gossip. it is not easy for me to point out about gossip and gossiping because the skills come naturally. hahaha :P

*gossiper*

i hardly able to contain myself..

class. something that i dread, no matter whether it is done at the proper time or extras and replacements. thus, having a class during the exam week is one thing that is rather annoying to me but i still attend for if not, i will have nothing to do at all for the day.

once i was ready, i walked to the faculty. there it was, at its usual place. the white car which Tower drives. i was glad to see it there. it tells me that Tower is somewhere near. OMG, i sound like a scary stalker in the previous line. but that is just what i feel okie.

then, i went to sit in front of the class waiting for friends to come and class to begin. suddenly the door of the room in front of me opened and several students came out. i recognised some of them as Tower's classmates. i was like saying to myself, is Tower there too? i did not wait long before i got my answer. there he was, with skin fairer than ever, with the shirt that is so body hugging, it fed my imagination, the perfect specimen (from my point of view that is) has appeared. OMG,OMG,OMG.. that was all i could say.

my friends were laughing from this as they know how i feel for him. seriously, i care less about them, as i was trying my best to control my raging hormones and excitement from seeing him. but i think i failed miserably. all the time, i kept on gawking at him and one of my friend even said to me that just go and marry him. haha, how i wished for that to happened. you know, this is a case of secret admire or crush gone too far. OMG.. i dont know what to feel..

seriously, he is the only person that is capable in making me lose myself totally. i never felt like this towards anyone. i just hope i cant get over this feeling..

*raging hormones*

And I keep it all in my heart..

We can never satisfy everyone’s heart. And my heart is one of those which are very hard to be satisfied. However, most of my dissatisfaction, I keep them in my heart. For I realised, if I say those to the face of those I am not satisfied of, hearts going to get hurt and friendship will shattered. But at times (for example now) I can’t hold it any longer. I just need a place to splurge everything out so I could be at ease.

Among the things is about taking people’s stuff without permission. I am so not okie with this behaviour. Well, as it is stated, it is people’s stuff, so could you please have the courtesy ask for permission first. Hello, saying “may I” is not that difficult okie. In addition to that, sometimes these people is so self absorbed and treat those stuff as their own and even the owner had to ask permission or funnily the people get annoyed when the owner take control. Whatta? It is mine okie. Then, there are those who just eat what they want from the fridge and feel like it is okie to finish it without the owner even have any idea what is happening? Hello, you think people are that blind huh? We could differentiate a full packet from an empty packet okie. Have some shame please. It is not yours okie..

Then, there are these people who just love to defy their own principle. Seriously, I love them. They kept me entertained. Well, one day they say a different thing and the next they are doing it. I just laugh in my heart everytime I see such person. Seriously, they are better than sitcoms, because ther is just no ending to their behaviour, but there are seasons. This behaviour grow with age apparently, the older they are, the more they do it. Haha, thanks for being in my life, you provide me with non stop action and entertainment. In relation to these kind of people are people who hated such action but ended up they follow the people they hate. This phenomenon however happened rarely, but entertaining nonetheless. Seriously, for me they are like movies, rarely come out but give a big impact. They are the definition of hypocrisy. But I keep them for the sake of entertainment.

Then, there are these people that are famous as what we called them emo people. They are not the follower of that emo music or lifestyle, but they are the one who put depression and mood swing as part of their daily life. Okie, to be honest, I am part of them, but I try to lessen the effect. Living like that is so depressing, it harm my health. Seriously, they are annoying. When everyone is having fun, they are depressed. It brings the negative vibe to the occasion. Cheer up people (this goes to me too )..

Those are the things that I am not that satisfied, but I just keep them all in. For I know there is no point of telling them as this is personality. Nothing can change it. So, I just learn to adapt to it. So far, I have yet to lose my mind. hehehe

*easing out*

i hope i am still accepted..

today, i went out with a friend of mine for dinner. had a great talk about many things. life, current problems, love stories and many more. we talk for nearly two hours. then, upon sending her home, she gave me a reminder.
"sai, semayang maghrib"
i replied
"tgkla, klu aku dpt melupakn sesorg tu drpd otak aku"

i realised how wrong was the sentence, i was putting someone above my responsibility towards god, but i could not pull it back. what was said was said. i tried to act cool. maybe nothing will go wrong. since i did this in a playful manner. that was what i thought.

as i was going home, on my bike, my mind flew to the thought that i might have strayed away from my religion for quite some time now. i thought about so many things that i have done that i am not proud of. seriously, that 15 minutes never was as meaningful as today's journey. my eyes were teary from all the thoughts. i felt disgusted of myself. i felt undeserving to live anymore.

then, i arrived at my house. i saw my friends but i say nothing. i saw them acting like how they usually to act and i felt numb. i did not scrutinize or make remarks in my mind as i felt i am no different than others, what give me the right to have a say about them? then, i got on my bed and try to calm myself. but i failed. i lied down for quite some time until i decide to take my shower.

as i was taking my shower, i have a lot going in my mind. i wanted to clean myself as i felt so dirty. so dirty until i ditched my religion for something so worldly. i was so consumed by the worldly attraction until i did not see how far am i from the right path. i took my ablution went to my room.

there, i called my friend, the one from before. i asked her about the taubat prayer. then, i prayed. while praying, i cried a lot. i dont know whether what i am doing at that time is accepted by Him and am i still apart of His humble servant. i cried so hard. then, she messaged me about the way to do the taubat prayer. then, i did it. as i was doing it, droplets of tears fall continuously and my recitation was stuttered as my emotion was unstable. i felt great inferiority and want to be accepted. i dont want to go astray much further. during the prayer at the end, the tears were no longer stoppable. they kept falling and i dont know why is this happening. is this a sign that He still loves me? i really hope so..

never in my life has i felt like this. maybe it is a sign from above for me to go back to the accepted path and live life accordingly. i hope i am strong enough to keep this going on..

*praying*

when boredom strikes, my mind flies to you..

*caution; this is a lovey dovey post*

the study leave begins and seriously, i have nothing to worry about classes. finally, a relieve from all that. however, with the absence of the busy schedule that used to fill my daily dull and boring life, boredom strikes in. it creeps up inside me and consumes me (a line from disturbia-rihanna). thus, i am left alone feeling uneasy all at once. thus, my lappie, Etta (which has replaced Eriol which was stolen), becomes my best companion. it gives me almost everything i want. yes, almost because there are just things that you can never get from electronic items. affection and care of course. they are incapable of doing so.

thus, while surfing the net early in the morning, around 2-3 am, my mind starts to linger upon the wellbeing of you. yes you, who flew several thousand miles away to a different continent, leaving me all alone here but the love never dies. i just recently found out that the time here and there is the same. no wonder we always wear the same uniform whenever we talk to each other on webcam. haha. bimbo me. well, the bimbo that you love and i hate. :P

i wanted to contact you. but i dare not. since i know my limit. yes, we are currently on a break since i can't handle a relationship at time like now as i am a hopeless being when i am in love. i remembered when we tried for a few days as a couple in an LDR. i felt miserable and almost cry every night. thus, if i contact you again, the same thing might repeats itself. i dare not. especially at such critical hours.

so, here iam. longing to see you. but i cannot. for your presence is the thing i want the most. and also scare the most. you are my comfort, as well as my cryptonite. but one thing for sure. when i am bored, you will always be there for me. here in my mind and deep in my soul.

*missing you very much*

sleeping..

okie, i know people said you need to sleep adequately in order to keep yourself healthy and beautiful. that's why i sleep a lot.. haha, trying to justify my wrongdoing. seriously, people who know me will know how much i sleep in a day. like A LOT. i just love sleeping. since most of my time i spend in my house or watching movies on my lappie or TRYING to do yoga but gave up after a few poses (huhu), the next best thing to do would be sleeping.

today is no exception. the day started with me waking up to find out that it rained last night. seriously people, do i need to get up from the bed? well, i have to since i have a test today (whatta? today is the first day of my study leave la, it is supposed to be a leave people!). with MAJOR RELUCTANCE, i got up and get ready for the test (when i say get ready, it means putting on clothes and all, not reading, hahaha) and make my move to the faculty which situated extremely far from my house... right in front that is..

arriving there, met my ever so hardworking (?!) friends studying. haha, most at least. for those like me, we love our guts so much, we hardly read *gloating for no reason* and usually fail excellently (sob sob). okie, all in all, the test was a killer and i messed up well.

oh, before that, on the way back to the square with keys for the test room, met Tower on his way to class. first time smelled his perfume. never to forget the smell anywhere soon. aahhh *read this expression a flirty giddy girly way* man, what he was wearing was so wrong (white stripe shirt, uncle-designed necktie and a pair of glasses) but so perfect. he looks dorky and i love just the way he is.

after that, finishing up unfinished assignments. finished before the deadline although almost died doing it (seriously, my left side of brain still hurts till now). and after some chat with friends (see, still could find time to chat, such a chatterbox you Sai), i could no longer contain my sleepiness. i rushed home and change my attire, put my body on the bed and that was the last thing i remember..

woke up after some time.. check the time.. WHATTA? 7.20 PM.. 4 HOURS OF SLEEP OKIE.. even for long sleeper like me, that's long.. but i still feel unsatisfied.. going to sleep slightly early again tonight.. haha.. Sai, you sleep so much, you should be a log.. because log sleeps.. okie, that was random..

*sleepy*

Motivation.. in human form..

Okie, usually on Thursdays, I will wake up late, relax the whole morning and watch Oprah (!!), but this week’s Thursday is different. I need to wake up early and go to the faculty. There are things to be settled there. So, I woke up (reluctantly) and get ready. Then, I made my move to the faculty with a very ugly (I must say) outfit since I don’t plan to stay long there. Got my papers from my lecturer, feeling satisfied with the marks I get (hey, looking at the effort I placed on the subject and the marks, I got beyond my expectation), I decided to go back and who knows, continue what I was doing earlier, sleep of course. But something stopped me. My gut said that I can’t do that. So, I stayed.

After some time, I went to the library with my friend. Since he said that our assignment is almost done, I would like to have a look at it. Nothing bad, just checking out, since I love the subject. However, I was appalled to look at the assignments. A lot of mistakes were done, and if we continue with it, I bet I will fail the assignments. Enough okie once failed an assignment, no more. The pain is unbearable. So, with anger filling in my emotion box (?), I redo the part where it went wrong. It was tiring as this section usually take hours to finish since it is analytical thinking section. But, I was determined to finish.

When I was about to begin the work, there he came. A person who used to had a thing for me but I turned down for the sake of chasing the impossible. He arrived with a smile and sit directly in front of me. OMG, what have I turned down! He’s such a cutie hottie.. and I can’t stop checking him out. Haha, typical me, chasing over things I slipped or impossible to grasp. I just don’t get myself some time.

Okie, but I continued doing my work. Although swears were an eminent element as I was doing this, but the presence made me happy and somehow fasten the pace. Haha, talk about motivation here. As I was doing the work, I talked to my friend about what happened between me and him just to get another surprise. Yes, Tower is here. The person who made me turned down the cutie hottie came and sit next to me!!!!! Wahtta?! I felt like screaming when he asked for the chair. I was like saying to myself, take me too.. haha, OMG, behave.. but I keep doing my work with a lot of swearing. Sorry folks, swearing was part of me. I just have to ease up the tension. But as I was doing, I check them out, yes, both of them. Tower more of course.. Hehe. OMG, they are so cute!!

And yes, they were there all the time I was finishing that up. And I finished it just slightly above half an hour. Talk about motivation again here. Haha. Okie. To sum it up. I was angry with what happened with the assignment but motivated due to the two. Hehe

*hehe*

story of the night of 13/10/10

tonight, i cant do any work. because i just got no mood to do so. so, i decided to hang out at the faculty. help dydy with his part in our assignments and disturbed mary, farah, atikah and khai. seriously, i cant do anything tonight. after some time, i got bored. then, dydy said let's move to TESL square. i followed.

then, i watched RWj latest vid. hilarious as usual. saw other students from literature class who had just finished their practice. mingled a bit and continue watching. finally overheard about going out. think a bit. thought it was aa good idea. send dydy laptop back. take helmet and key, move with Po and Nazif to Uptown 24.

went there SLOWLY. arrived and played with animal at the per store. then, start exploring. look for stuff. played with makeup and perfume. move along, buy sugarcane drinks. move. buy a shawl for a girl, have no clue who. then, buy ice cream.

went to the bike. talk about life. about studies. about lecturer to be exact. laugh a bit. finally head home.

haha, imagine someone talking to you like this. all info, no colour in speech. monotonous and verbatim. seriously dreadful. content yes but practicality, no. just trying out new stuff. okie. as you can see, the story can be fun or not based on the way you tell it. if you put emotions and all, then it will be nicer. if all facts, it is just like the above. boring and dull. im just showing how some people bore me with their factual talk. now i guess you guys are bored. ahaha, pity you guys. neway, till then okie..

*random*

the most anticipated drama is yet to come..

drama; it is all part of life. life itself is a drama. dont believe me? look at the category in awards for life imitating series. they are called drama. hence, drama is life. okie, enough rambling on and on about the definition. although i try to escape drama ( one of the stupidest attend was avoiding myself from entering literature class as they have drama assessment) it looks like drama come to me. yes, even as counseling student, you need to act. and the drama goes by different name. ROLE PLAY aka counseling drama.

however, it is not as grand as the literature drama. i dont have to prepare a large amount of money for anything. we dont even have to ask for budget to carry out this production i must say. all we need is space, emotion and the people necessary. and hell yeah, it is hard. can you imagine, you may counsel people all your life, but you arent graded.. now, there will be observer who will grade you on your performance. for a psychopath like me (psychopath is heartless people, hardly show any emotion) this going to bring a lot of trouble. and mine will start in approximately 3 more hours..

so, my attempt to escape drama failed miserably. i still have drama. even worst, face to face drama. focus is on no one but yours truly only. OMG, im terrified as im writing this.

another drama that i want to talk about is life drama. here is what makes life worth living. this keeps life moving. it concerns drama in drama production. i have been hearing a lot of stories (most of them are abridged version) about what happened within the production. and it is not one sided, but several sided. quarrels, dissatisfaction, giddiness of some, annoyance, and list goes on and on. wait! where's the positive news?? it cant be all that bad people. tell me something positive about it. with all these stories, do you think people will commit fully to the production? please, put some positive vibes.. then life is meaningful. if not, this drama is going to be another drama that occurs in drama of life and end miserably.

*Drama*

Gimme a break.. will ya?

I thought I am strong. I thought I could for once, handle it. I thought after all those years, I might be ready for this. But the reality is just too painful for me to face. What am I talking about here? Well, it is actually about being in a long distance relationship, or simply said LDR. I saw a friend of mine was being so interested in this matter since he was about to go through one (currently is) and I thought to myself, it will never work. I had been into several and all failed miserably. Thus, I am at no position to believe that it will work. But it looks like things are going fine for him. Okie, good for you.

As for me, I have been in constant contact with one of my ex, let just call the person S, who flew to Perth, Australia about a year ago. We broke up at the airport since I cannot bear long distance relationship. But, nothing change. Even when we are far apart, the care for one another is the same. I never forget S and always have the same amount of care. It is as if we were never separated. After long thought, I decided to try LDR with S. But, I will put it under complicated relationship since we could never categorise what our real relationship is.

However, it lasted only for a few days. I can’t stand the fact that you are far away. Yeah, when I am not in a relationship, I am okie with the distance, but when we make it official, I got tensed up. I can’t focus on anything. I just want you. Finally, I made a call and said

“ can you gimme a break? I promise I’ll try this again once the holidays begin. I can’t focused with you on my mind. I can think no other but you..”

And S replied with nothing but just a smile and okie.. thank goodness. Well, of course S understands me. We were together before. So honey, I’m committing this holidays okie. Not now...

*on break*

who would go for beautiful boys??

i have been noticing this for a while. yeah, girls go crazy over those extremely cute and girlish looking guys, but seriously if you think deeply, will any girl even consider having them as their life partner? because they are just too beautiful, girls might get intimidated by their beauty. in the end, they are just good to see but not to have. imagine going out together and people around you keep saying that the guy is way more beautiful than the girl. if the partner is also a beautiful girl, she will get compared to none other than her significant other who is from the opposite sex on beauty basis. whatta? will you ever want to face such situation. i bet most will back out. and who will love and be with beautiful boys??

i have once discussed with a friend of mine about how unfair is this world. ugly guys can get pretty girls if he has the right materials (money, intellect and power) and how ugly girls can hardly find anyone or finally ended up with ugly guys(hey, no hard feelings here okie, this is just between me and friend. we were casually talking about this) but i added at least they still have choices. beautiful boys got no one. beautiful girls go for more manly looks since they have enough beauty in themselves and ugly girls with get intimidated by the beauty and seriously want to avoid the bad talking. thus, who is left for the beautiful guys? hmm.. please, they do not want to go for one another, they are not mostly homo, but some were forced by the situation. seriously, being beautiful sucks when you are a guy.

*i am ugly*

seriously, im tired and mood-less

nowadays, everything is a drag. i am not driven to do a lot of stuff i used be to so well driven. i sleep more than usual. and i always wake up feeling nothing but extreme misery and how dreadful life has been this lately. no answer to such feeling. it just happen. i try to recall for reason. it all goes back to none other but boredom. seriously, i am bored of life. whatta? i am barely 20 and all i could think of is when is this life gonna end or at least reach a turning point.

now, nothing works. i look at my pile of work and all i could feel is numb. yes, i am terrified by the whole consequences of not finishing them up, but im too numb to be affected by it. seriously, i think if my emotion is an organism, if you slit its cheek, it wont bleed and even scream.. it is just too numb and can be safely said, dead but alive. that is my latest feeling about myself.

i need to heal myself before it is too late. i need to go for a getaway.. maybe to the countryside for a while to seriously look into myself and be who i am again. i am in too much turmoil and seriously it kills me..

*lost*

MBMB camp..

this is the name of the camp that came up at the most wrong time. i must say, i dreaded to go to it at first. mainly because i am a person who does not believe that people can put motivation in a person, the person need to put it by themselves. thus, upon hearing about the program, i have great reluctance. but, thinking of what will happen if i dont go, i went for it. seriously, i dread it.

it was off to a rocky start. the bus that was supposed to pick us up mistakenly went to the other campus. so, we were late by 2 hours due to all the waiting. seriously, everyone's heart just turned from sour to bitter by all the waiting. finally, the bus arrived and i must say, i went aboard with half a heart.

the bus moved. on the bus, i tried to sleep. but i just cant. luckily they screened Mantra in the bus, a malay horror movie which was recently out. okie, the story is sort of funny and scary at the same time. awang-awang.. haha. we make joke about the movie throughout the journey. we forgot about our reluctance for a while. finally, after a lot of laughter, we arrived at KBN Alor Gajah Melaka.

seriously, it went out just like how i expected it to be. to write it all here, i cant since it is part of the country act of secrecy. but i will just say, we learn about history, politics (mostly), have fun with activities such as repelling, night walk solo and others. then, we also make new connections. guess what, we were scared to get to know them and the same goes to them. no wonder we never talk to one another. haha, funny world. seriously, it was fun. the schedule are not strict and we were treated nicely. no scolding like little children. i like that.

one of the main event was community service which was cleaning up mosque area and cemetery. all do their work with enough effort. hahahaahaha.. no one really push it to the limit. then, it ends. finally. we also made connection with the facilitators since they are young and fun. they are not worn out uncle or aunties who are too engulfed by work and forgotten about life. all in all, it was good.

sum it all up, i was okie with it la. although im still a bit mad for the dishonesty from the organizing committee (just tell us what it is all about from the beginning okie) and the short notice, but the experience was fun.

*dunno*

a thing at a wrong time..

why do i call this activity that i am going this weekend a thing, without any adjective of quality whether it is good or wrong or bad? because i have no idea what to expect and how to categorise it. i just say it a thing then, to not severe my head more. anyway, the activity is a camp in Melaka.. God sake knows what will we do there..

it is said that it is a motivational as well as a community service activity since the exam is near. look at the sentence above. the exam is near la vavi.. what is the whole point wanting to do an activity in this critical hours. we all have planning and things to do, things that concerns our academic excellence. most of us just got assigned to a bunch of assignments and fieldwork to be done. all that takes time and this activity is nothing but a stupid big rock in the middle of the way. stupid.

then, it is told in extremely short notice. today is tuesday and they expect to do it this friday till sunday (TOT).. whatta? at least tell us before the raya holiday, then we would have prepared. although still have the reluctance in our hearts (okie, my heartis a sure, others i have no idea). the best thing was getting info on it. they have yet to discuss about what to do and the tentative is yet to be done. wow, you have the gut to inform without proper prior knowledge. how the system 'amazed' me. they are mind readers i think.

whatever it is, i think this is a thing done at a wrong time.

*vavi*

Raya: Drama and Dullness

first of all, i would like to share my happiness that i finally got a replacement for my stolen lappy last semester. although i get it from a loan from my mom ( i will pay every semester eh Mama?), the main point is i get a lappy. at last, machine of happiness has return into my previously dull life. haha, exaggeration to the limit.. although it is a bit heavy than my previous one (nearly another half a kilo more!) but i will suit to it later. i am happy with it.. naming it Dominique.. whattaya think? oh, this is included in this post since i got it in raya season.. considered a raya gift.. bought with a bit of my raya money.. okie, a lot of my raya money.. huhu :(

okie, for the drama side.. this does not really involve me directly since it concerns a generation above me, my mom, dad and siblings. i cant say much as i am so not involved. but, drama during raya is so not welcoming right? drama should be kept later, not on the raya morning..pfft.. whatever it is, although it was heart aching for most of us, but we cool down the intensity by making it into laughing matter.. seriously, all the tears rolled down due to this matter has been flooded by the laughter that we made about it. haish..

then the next drama was me celebrating raya with an ex. haha, that is so crazy right.. of all the houses i could go to, i went to my ex's. got treated nicely by the family anyway, only slightly ignored by the ex. ah, like i care, i went there for the bonding okie, not reconciliation. luckily i went there with some of my friends (it was their idea!) so the silent treatment is not apparent. whatever.

the dullness part is ought to be since i am no longer a child. seriously, hari raya is so meaningful and fun when you were a child. once you grow up, responsibility took over the fun segments. damn it. thus, i cant say much. shop for baju raya alone. that is sad. why nobody want to accompany me? no big preparation were made either since we still are grieving over the passing away of my grandma. so, hari raya is slightly gloomy this year.

okie, that is it for raya update. will update soon since the writing machine is back!! i like..

*happy and sad*

im a straight forward person.. i cant help it..

the reason behind the writing of this post is because something people dont get me when im being honest directly. i never say an ugly dress okie but not for you, i will say it as ugly as that what i saw it as. i dont know the more polite way to give out my thoughts. i just lash them for you and you need not think a lot to digest the meaning. what i say is what i meant. so, im sorry of people got offended or such because it is just me, being myself.

this is usually a big problem when im turning down someone's offer to go out or whatsoever. i dont go around saying im tired or any other excuse, i will just say i dont want to. yes, im not good in taking care of people's heart. maybe because i dont mingle much with people. i just know how to express, but hardly have a clue on how to filter.

another thing about me if dont give hints about your dissatisfaction. i just dont get it. i dont get signs and gestures. i only digest verbal and action signals. i know you might say it is impossible for me to overlook such signals but it is true. i have hurt a lot of people and lose a few opportunities because i dont get signals. thus, be frank and say upfront with me okie. im okie with that. so what if i talk bad about you later, you did it first..

so, mind me if im blur by flowery words because i am straight forward. dont go around in giving your idea. make it a straight channel okie. easy for me to digest.

*tired of thinking*

lust is a bad thing..

okie, now i am still in the fasting month, by far i could say that i had not left any day of fasting since not eating is not a big problem for me, not shopping is a different case. i remembered back then, when i first enter university for my foundation program, i found no difficulty in managing money for food because i dont eat, once a day is enough. the money flow nowhere else but the garments retails shop of countless brands. i dont really care what is the brand as long as i like it.. okie, i think im going astray from the actual reason of writing.. i talking about lust here. this fasting month, with a lot things on sale for hari raya, curbing my lust would be a big problems. i could see signboards saying !SALE! as far as my eyes can see at the shopping mall.. and i need to shop real bad.. huhu.. i want new shoes, handbags, tshirts, pants and all because everything in my wardrobe is old and big i must say.. this is what happened when you lost a lot of weight suddenly..

then, from this lust also, i start to develop nasty thoughts. thought of how to get those stuff i want easily. when i say easily, i mean real easy.. if you know what i am saying.. hehe.. nastiness.. Sai, repent! huhu.. okie, but yeah, a lot of nasty thoughts visited me. and not being able to shop and eat make me think of particular someone even more than usual.. whatta?? i thought people say fasting curb your lust for love and you know what, but in my case, i experienced opposite effect. i am filling most of my think thinking about love. something i hardly do before. darn it, i need food to distract me, or the best distraction ever.. Shopping.. with no worries.. yeah, lust is a bad thing..

*wanna shop*

5 stages of mourning..

i got my inspiration to write this post after watching an episode of grey's Anatomy on TV last saturday.. i did not know that George O'Malley died.. anybody care to tell me?.. anyway, it was mostly about how they all were treating their grief due to the death.. and although i have no prior knowledge about the 5 stages of grief/mourning, i seem to be able to answer them correctly. however, i experience this not in death, but in breakups.. thus, breakup for me is equivalent to death..

first, the stage of denial.. yup, at first, you can never except the fact that the thing just happened to you. you will deny it with all your heart that it did not happened and everything was just a bad dream and you will wake up from it one day. you will have a lot of outburst to try denying the whole situation. but seriously people, there is no point of telling this to yourself. it has happened and you just have to accept the fact..

then, it is the anger stage. at this stage, you will always be furious. you hate everything. the situation, the person, people's advice and everything that came to you. easily said, you hate life and you just fill your days with anger. this affects not only you but also people surrounds you. i remember when i was having this moment with my first breakup and i lash my anger to everyone and i hated my ex to the limit. the thought of my ex enraged me. then, i talked bad of my ex and how i wish we never met. i was filled with anger and all i could think is killing that persson for killing my soul and self.

later, i moved to the stage of bargaining. to be honest, i hate this stage the most. this is the time i comfort myself by saying that maybe it could still be fix. this is the time where the thought of reconciliation comes. and you will say to yourself that everything will be alright and we are gonna be happy like how we used to be. yeah right.. like that will ever happen.. never..

then, the depression stage. this comes late in the process and i must say the most dreadful of all. at this time, nothing seems meaningful. you lose your sense of living. the future is bleak and dark. you can see no future but just a blank space and a wasted life ahead of you. bad thoughts will race to you and mostly are morbid thoughts. i mean serious morbidity. then, you will cry your heart out and do a lot of self harming actions. as for me, i stopped eating and socialising. this stage goes slowly and as long as you in it, you could say your sanity is on the border. some can never go beyond this stage and ended up ending their life.

finally is the acceptance. after everything is over, you could get a grip on yourself and finally say to yourself that it is okie and it is about time to move on. how blissful it is to reach that stage..

that is just what i think i should share about the 5 stage of grief.. i think most of us had or will go through this stages..

*long overdue due to lack of inspiration and connection*

I think I have made a mistake..

Earlier this semester, I had told everyone that I don’t have the feeling and drive to start my studies. I wanted to put my study on hold since I think I need some time off and take time to find myself again. But, it is just too impossible to be done since it is considered as a waste of resources, money and time. So, I try to put myself together, gather all the pieces from my shattered self and finally went to do my studies. I had a thought in my mind that along the way I will find my will to study again and be who I used to by, a studyholic.. a person who chose studies over entertainment. But, as time goes by, I dwell deeper into the abyss of self loathing and regret. How I wish I did not attend this semester. It is just too hard for me to bear. Too many things happen right now and they do nothing but stressing this humble borrowed body of mine. I am seriously worn out from all these pressure in life. It is nothing when you have the will to do things, but when you do things involuntarily, then, everything is a dread.

Now, I just want to rest. I even had the thought of extending my studies for this semester. But I don’t think I could do that since I am almost half way through the semester. A semester of loss. I had lesson, but I did not know what had I learned. Everything flies the moment they reside in my mind. I don’t think I could do good this semester. Man, I think I have made a mistake. A big one this time. I am so dead. I so wish that I could just sleep and get adrift in it. and wake up when everything is solved..

It's August..

i know this month will arrive, although deep in my heart i prayed for it to never come. a merry month to most, but a month of goodbye to me. farewell to someone i wish i never met and got to know because now letting go is just too difficult..

with the thought of you going away and i need to let you go paved in my mind for so long, i prepared myself for these to happen. little that i know, no matter how many or how much preparations i have made, they never prepare me for the real deal. the void that the separation will leave, a blank space flooded by tears and melancholy.

without you in sight, i am strong, bubbly and slightly motivated. however, upon your arrival, i fumble, crumble and stumble. you still take my breath away, stop the rotation of my world and close my vision and horizon, although a thousand times had i told myself, you are hell impossible.. but i am weak, i cannot resist your charm even when you are not using it, you do nothing, your presence itself is a blessing to me.. i hate effortless people, they do nothing and get and have everything.

i know i never say anything of this matter and you shall never know since talking to you was a never event in my life. how i wished for a chance to talk and express all this to you. but, it is August now, a little too late for anything.. it means goodbye.. goodbye, goodbye... Tower...

*down*

I finally figured out..

This week has been nothing but exposition. It has exposed me to my inner self, more than I usually try to do on my own. It started with the death of my grandma, a very sad and rather regretful thing or event to happen in my life. Sad, of course because I lost someone so dear to me, a woman who give birth to my mom, who used to be a replacement parents for me when my parents were not near and of course, someone important in my mother’s life, a woman who had shaped her into who she is today. My grandma is important in our family to the limit. Regretful, since I last met her was a few months back. How I wished I have met her more recent. I went back and attended the funeral. It was a sad and rather full of cries and tears. There were several heart touching moment to me especially the time when my granduncle was reciting the Talkin (a ceremony in muslim’s death), can you imagine how hard it was for a brother who regards his sister more than just a sister, but also a mother, to say goodbye and farewell to the sister? It was hard for him, that I am sure. I love kissing my grandma, I am among a few of her grandchildren who actually kiss her willingly (you know, when we grow older, we tend to be embarrass to do so) and kissing her forehead for the last time is just …. I am at loss of words to express my feelings. I realized one thing back then, I do have feelings. The soft emotional side of me still works.

Then, about Tower, I have realized that there is no point in chasing the person anymore. I will never get Tower, that is for sure. We lived in different world and there is no way Tower would ever consider me to be dearly to ***self. Although my existence is to acknowledge, but there is no way we are in the same league. So, I think it is about time for me to back off and move on. I am going to bring down the Tower to make space for new development. You know what I mean.

*clarified*

happy in the past, tears in present and fear in future..

what am i thinking when i was writing this title. it is memories. yup, memories of all the happiness that you have in the past is one of the greatest thing. it reminded you of how fun things used to be, how free was life and how innocent you were back then. it brings nothing but that warm feeling in your heart.it makes you want to turn back time and live in that moment. forever. without needing to grow up and face the future, the reality. this was inspired during a sit at Dc, a place that used to be the 'it' place for us.. the place where we met each other, making new friends. meeting new people, celebrate any occasion in our life back then. a place that used to be a place of friendship and relation, since we were far from family and all we have were each other. that time was full of laughter, every journey was an adventure and exploring was the main idea of existence. now, it all has changed..

now, the place is like a desert.. dead and soulless.. no more laughter, no more people hanging out doing things together, and seriously, no more laughter. what is left is a place with extreme commercialisation. sitting there, looking at the current state of the place, it brought the sad feeling in my heart to resurface and hoped for things would never had changed. but that is just too good to be true..

upon looking this, it makes me wonder, will the future be better or worse than its current state. will happiness ever find a place again in the hearts of the young and will exploring be the 'in' thing again. it alo make me feel that maybe i have grown up and it is about time for me to let go of all those memories and move forward, let it be into a world of better experience and new memories to e created or orse. i am betting on the earlier but made very preparation for the later. whatevr it is memories is a beautiful thing to recall, but just too good to live in..

*reminiscing about the happiness in the past can bring tears in the present and fear in the future*

dont know what to feel..

okie, malay proverb would say, "yang dikejar x dapat, yang dikendong berciciran" summarized my whole situation right now. yup, the one i chased is nothing near reach and the one i have, or i thought would love to have me, is totally, i mean fully, ignores me. so now, i am at loss. no one else to blame but yours truly. okie, now i know what it means by do not chase those who you love, but find someone who loves you. in my case, i realised about this fact a little, not a little, by a semester that is, too late..

as i was busy trying to chase for the person i wanted, who else, Tower of course, paid full focus on Tower and closed my sight for other options. little that i know that the person who has been checking me out is not as bad. well, i would say the person is well equipped. cars, cute face, brain capability and not to mention charm is enough for me. but, stupidly, i dis the person to chase something beyond reach. now, more than ever, i wish i could turned back time and say "let's try".. instead of just dissing without trying to know any better. how i regret that now..

man, i wish i was not that stupidly loyal okie. i am loyal by nature, not by will. i pay attention on one, and never to many. oh, how i wished this is not part of me. as for now. im healing my heart again. man, my life is nothing but a never ending process of healing and mending broken heart. my own heart that is..

*fixing*

OMG!!!!

today i decided to come to the faculty earlier than usual although my house is right in front of the fac.. dont really have any idea why but it just came to my mind that coming early might be a good idea since i was late for that particular lecturer's class twice and she is not happy with latecomers. so, i readied myself up and start my industrious journey to the place i will soon learn to love again.. my cute, humble and small faculty. as i arrived at the fac, i realised that a friend of mine was already there. as a friend, i went up the stairs and greeted her. she was surprised to see me and said that she has contacted me to tell me something important.. not to others but me.. she bumped into TOWER!!! WHAT?! dont tell me Tower is back.. man, how i miss the sight of that ever so tall Tower. but i said to her, maybe it is for the better that i did not bump into Tower. just as i was saying that, Tower walked pass the usual route he would use. OMG!! my knees were weak and i hardly able to stand. my heart pounded hard and i found it hard to catch my breath. man, you're good. Tower. No one ever succeed in making me wither like that before. and after that i could say my feelings were alleviated. and i smiled all the way through that rather treacherous class..

then, i decided to go and buy something for that stupid subject that i wish would never need to take it but that is just too good to be true. but OMG, i was lucky since i got to get on the free shuttle bus all the time. no money were paid except once in the main campus where i took a normal bus, but with my friend's bus pass (thank Dyds!) all expenses paid by not a single cent. and once i arrived there, to my horror, the lunch hour just began and i have to wait for at least an hour and a half.. luckily found a friend (thanks Teha) to talk to and fill in the wasted time. could i say something about the place that i have went to buy that particular stuff?? SAD and A BIG MESS!!.. i just cannot believe they handle formal meeting at a place like that. finally, the counter is opened and i get myself the stuff, which was a shirt and a cap.. HIDEOUS!! enough said..

finally, went back to the fac as i left everything here and need to see my friend to return his pass, i saw a familiar face with a twist. he is still the boy i knew from before but he has lost his famous messy LOCKS.. OMG!! locks as in hair, not keys.. and i just went to him and asked what happened to the hair and he replied "balik Umrah".. fine.. nothing else i could say..

so, today is so full of that particular phrase.. huhu..

*OMG*

i have seen a bit.. and it is not for me..

sometimes, the things that you see in just a short period of time can change your whole perspective about something. that is what i feel after spending a night with some of my friends and experience their way of life. a life i thought i wanted. but now, maybe not at all..

a life of free living, a life of no worries, a life of nothing but fun. a life where you can be who you really are, be with whoever you want and find people of the same 'interest'. a life where you never think about the future, only now and then. life that is for me , too good to be true.

as my friends were driving me back home, it came to my mind that this is not the life i wanted. i wanted something with more prospect. i want my life to be meaningful, not just wasted. i want to be more than just a waste of space on this world. go ahead if you do not want to take me there anymore, i am okie with it. it is just not the life i would imagine myself going. im going the other way, not that way. no offense, not that i am saying that life is bad (although from some point it is), but it is not for me. i serve a purpose in this world and i shall fulfill my purpose.

sorry people, not for me..

*realised*

please fill the hollow..

my heart is now slightly at peace. i am not as disturbed as before. maybe the slap of reality, especially in terms of economics, has filled in my mind has made me forget about what has been bothering me for the past few days. but the sorrow stays as it surely would take some time for my heart to finally let go that feeling to Tower.. yes, without question, Tower is the reason for the whole dreadful situation. the absence hurts like hell. the absence kills me inside. the absence make me absent-minded. the absence erases relevance.

the hollow in my heart needs filling. the best option would be the option i have chosen for years, none others but studies. i will study and try my best to distract myself from thinking about anything involving the matters of the hearts. it is just too much for my heart to bear. books and notes will be my companion in life for now. i am just tired of heartbreak now. give me time to heal and fill in the hollow in my heart.

*trying to read*

jiwa kacau..

aku nak tulis dalam bahasa melayu sebab aku rasa aku lebih senang nak luahkan perasaan aku bila tulis dalma bahasa melayu. walaupun aku sedar aku dah agak berkarat dalam menulis dalam bahasa melayu, tapi aku nak tulis gak. suka hati la. haha.. tp akan terselit jugak la english dua tiga ketul and bahasa melayu x capai piawaian sbb ni la cara aku ckp and menulis msg kat phone (msg aku lg pendek la..)

okie, sejak beberapa hari lepas, aku xleh tido owh. xtau nape, jiwa aku cam kacau gile. kadang-kadang tetiba je aku rasa nak nangis la, nak dok diam-diam la, nak lari satu padang la dam macam-macam lagi perasaan yang selalunya aku xde. dan aku xtau nape. sakit ati owh ble kita sakit tp kita xtau nape kita sakit. lagi-lagi lak masalah hati dan perasaan.

satu benda yang pasti, aku mmg xde mood nk belajar (lg) sem ni. aku cam tggu masa berlalu je supaya hati aku cakap dah tiba masa aku belajar balik. buat masa sekarang, hati aku tgh kacau. kacau tahap nak gile aku klu bnde ni berterusan. plik owh, xkan bru dua sem aku belajar, otak aku dh x center. ke sbb aritu cuti xnak igt lak sampai 2 bln so bukak je sem bru dh mmg xde mood dh nk blajar. bygkn aku,. budak yang jrg nk risau psl bnde len selain belajar ttbe ilang minat nk belajar. ni mesti ada something, tp aku xtau pe dia. okie, mmg la result aku last sem agak membanggakan although xde pape present pun aku dapat (jap, td bru dpt hadiah, thanks Tikah). papepun, good grades slalunya motivate, bukan demotivate. tu yang aku x phm nape aku jd camni. secara langsung, hal ini tambahkan lg kekacauan jiwa aku.

adakah sbb seseorgtu dh xde ke aku jd xde motivasi ni? ntah la, mgkn gak kot. dlu sbb bdk tu la aku ye ye nk gi fac, tp skrg, umah depan fac pn, aku pndg sepi je fakulti tu, dh macam penjara lak aku tgk. tmpat yg aku xleh nk escape and terpakse tggal utk beberapa lama lg. 3 tahun lg.

papepn weh, skrg ni jiwa aku mmg tgh kacau.. klu dgr aku jerit ttbe tgh2 malam tu bkn bnde plik la.. dh bese gak la kekawan aku dgr.. tlg aku.. tenangkn jiwa aku..

*kacau*

Hmm.. Ermm..

okie, it is the beginning of the new semester. one thing that i could say about this whole situation is i am so not totally excited about it. i do not know why am i having such a feeling, all i feel right now is a mixture of underwhelm and overwhelm intertwined together simultaneously. besides, i feel a great sense of loss and to be honest, no offense to anyone, i am consumed by loneliness most of the time. i just feel lazy and tired and totally lack of proper amount of adrenalin. i just could not find my drive to work this semester.

at times, i feel like crying as tears have been loyal companion of me and never fail me when i really need them. however, i know crying will do me no good, instead it just make it worse. it will do nothing but make me fall deeper into the abyss of negative feelings. seriously, i am speechless, hopeless and useless in managing and maneuvering through this troubled time of my heart and emotion. i think, nobody can heal me, but me. or maybe there is somebody meaningful enough.... Hmm.. Ermm

*emotion over cognitive*

those little things that you do..

in life, we all fall in love. let it be love for things or person, we still fall in love. so, do not ever dare to say you never fall in love, even narcissist fall in love, with themselves that is. okie, one thing about love, it is sometimes hard to comprehend. even with extensive explanation, sometimes it just do not make any sense. materialism, which is love for things, is mostly understood but affection, love for others is hard to comprehend and it always remains a mystery, no matter what your gender are. no gender are any smarter when it comes to love. both are clueless but act smart. that is just normal human nature.

talking about affection, i remembered once i fell for someone who my friend could not make any sense why i would like the person. the person was normal, nothing appealing nor interesting and best of all, was nothing similar to people i have dated nor seen before. so, it is just incomprehensible. when i was asked for explanation, my explanation was there is no explanation, it just happen. all they see, the person is just plain and nothing special, but in my eyes, that was the definition of perfection. everything was at where it belongs, nothing goes out of hand. however, what made me love the person even more is the small little things that the person does that are important to me.

what are small little things? they are the normal everyday things that he or she do in everyday life. some examples would be a smile when he or she woke up in the morning, the saying of Hi to you on your presence, the smile he or she gave whenever you are around, that is what the small little things are. those are the things that will always remind me why i love the person in the first place. it shows how he or she appreciate you and really love you for who you are. the big things may make you happy, like presents, flowers and chocolates, but those are temporary, what stays forever is those little gesture that stays in your heart as long as you are together, those are the things that is going to be remembered when you are far from each other.

so, do not really chase for the big things because in the end what matters is the appreciation and love that he or she shows in the small little things he or she does for you..

problems.. when will they stop appearing..

first of all, sorry for the absence. the reason is my lappy is STOLEN.. damn you thief. i hope you have the worst nightmare and your life and hell is not much different. you will forever be haunted by the guilt of stealing something from me.. i hope you will be barren so you will never bear to future thieves. or maybe the thief should just die, in a car crash, run over a few time until you dont look anything resembling a human.. hehe, i made the crime sound so big, isn't it? well, that is just the usual me. actually, i dont really feel sad about the loss, instead i am filled with anger. anyway, life goes on even after problems and mishaps happened to me.

okie, actually i am currently in my hometown. home sweet home, as most would say, but not me. i am happy at home, but i also have to listened to a lot of problems happening around me. let it be financial, behaviour and even relationships. i would not go into details as it is to my family concern only. seriously people, you dont want to be in my shoe. you can only listen, but you can do nothing. you feel helpless and just pray for the things to turn around. huhu, i am praying hard but at times, i lost hope. however, i believe i can manage through it. quote from my sister, " God will test those who He believes have the will and strength to face it." i believe i can.

that's for now..

*patience is a virtue*

finally.. it's over..

so, just now i have answered the final paper for this semester. that means it is also the closing for this semester. Man, how i have waited for this day to come. it comes at last.. and i am grateful for it. no more life in these lonesome places i call hostel and campus. haha, kidding. but i am going to be back home for nearly two month. yeah, i like long holiday, although i dont really like the effect on my body. i am gonna gain some unnecessary weight again. lol, but that is a fact i will have to face. but maybe this time i wont gain, but lose maybe. haha. *pray hard for that* but than again what matters right now is that i am finally taking some time of studying. it is not that i dont like studying but after some time, you just need a break. so, going to have fun and also attend a lot of weddings, including my sis's. damn, they will make me do all those work that i dont like. you know, those hard work of entertaining guesses, carrying the dishes and all. how i hate those things. hehe. hey, i am not a diva but those are not my idea of having a wedding feast. but, what the hack, maybe i couls escape. Man, how i want to attend those events on that day. the performance in IB, youthmania and many more. but no, i got wedding to attend..... (TAT)
gosh, can i be a singer for a day? i have been wanting to be a singer although i know my family is not fond of the whole idea. but hey, i like music, especially singing.. please, i want to be a singer so badly. huhu.. random

*yeay*

Don’t read if the content is not suitable for you..

My blog is my space. The place where I put all my feelings and all. This includes my liking, my hatred and of course, my admirations. And it is for those who share the same view with me to read. For those who don’t have the same view, just don’t read my blog. But still they read and say bad things about it. You know, this kind of people are the one who clogged places like Youtube and all with their hate comments. Just because you don’t like it, does not mean others must hate it too. You are not the only type of human on this friggin’ earth. Human are made differently and have different views on what are the things that could bring them happiness and a reason to write, sing etc. So, if you don’t like it, do not read/listen/watch. Like what I would say to those who offend me, although it happens rarely, F**k Off.. I don’t need haters around me..

*offended*

Reasons to smile are back.. but I cried instead..

Okie, today I went to the faculty realizing one big major change from what it used to be. It is packed with people, instead of the usual ghost town like feeling when you enter the library with no one inside, walk down the hallway with nothing but the sound of your footsteps to accompany you. It is packed with new faces. Faces of new Intecees. I was ogling at them to see are they a match to their seniors’ good looks and admiration material. But, my exploration came to no avail. None was at par. Huhu. Sorry guys but your seniors were way hotter. Then, I saw familiar faces walking pass me. Hey, the seniors are back from their seminars and preparing for their finals. This realization brought a smile on my face. I know Tower is back. I have reason to go to the faculty again. Hehe, I am happy and seriously, after a while, I smile sincerely at the faculty although the paper I was about to face was on one of my least favorite subjects. Well, who cares about the development of education in Malaysia if you have read the same thing for the last four semesters? One semester is too much, four semesters is just way too many. Later going to learn it again. Seriously, they need to do something about this redundancy.

Back to the story, my friend who knows about my admiration for Tower came and told me that she just saw Tower just now, on the way back home. Well, I was a bit disappointed to miss the sight of Tower but please, just knowing Tower was there was enough for me. The sky was shining brightly and the place just gone warmer for me and literally. I just found my drive back to go to the faculty. Although this Sunday is going to be the last day I will be here this semester and I never saw Tower on Sundays, but I am just glad that Tower is back. Please do well in your exams, Tower. Although we will never meet again, but you will always be one of my sweetest memories. I was smiling and singing the whole time I was at the faculty.

This is until I finished the paper which I think I did quite badly since I have no idea how to answer a few questions and ended up putting ridiculous answers on the paper. Then, I was off to my lecturer’s room for my carry marks. I was flabbergasted to see the marks for my literature, it was low. However, it does not sadden me since literature was never my forte. Then I was off to my lecturer’s room who taught the subject that we had just answered. How I was disappointed to see how low was my marks and particularly on one assignment. It is written that my groupmates and I were to get only 9 marks of total 20 marks. My heart shattered and I was left in awe. Never in my life had I done such sloppy work and given a miserable mark. It was not even half. I tried to deny in my conscience that I, Sai, had received such results in life. I was shaking and was having an emotional outburst. Finally, when it was too hard to handle, I burst in tears. Never in my life had I felt such shame. I looked at my part and there was nothing wrong, but mistakes of other have made it gone badly. I was too heartbroken. For everyone who knows me, I always strive for the best and I love praising and winning. I do not take in failures easily. Damn. Now I have a sure B in my list. Thanks .. I really need one.

Oh, but then again, my girlfriend, Alia came all the way from her place to see me. Girl, I was happy to see you but sorry you have to bear with my emotional breakdown just now. Hey, studies are my thing, failing in it made me feel like I lost a part of me. But we have fun taking pictures and have our dinner at Medan. Seriously, saying goodbye to you was awkward since I do not know what to say. Haha

That sums up my life for that particular day; Full of emotions and gains.

*accepting*

I want to be happy..

I looked at myself a few days back. I realised I have been very negative to myself and the surrounding. But I cannot explain why. All I know is I am down emotionally, but to no avail of the source of the negative feelings that was building up inside of me, the negative feelings that have let me become reserved, full of silence and always out of focus. They all came at the most wrong time of the year, during my finals. I am not down because I am worried of the finals, studies never worry me as they are my escapism from my dull life. I am not who I am when I am in class. I am a different person there. I am stronger and bolder than I am outside. I love my studies. Words of a nerd. That is what I am. A misplaced nerd. Maybe that is why they always mistake me for those Intecees. I do look and act like nerd. Boo to myself.

Then, I watched an episode of Glee which was on love, home and everything else. Okie, I cried while watching it. Especially while listening to the song that Kurt was singing, A House Is Not a Home, since the meaning of the song is extremely deep. For me at least. It somehow says my heart out. Damn, I am a sucker for lame love song and great ladylike vocals owned by guys. Haha. Seriously, watching that episode of Glee made me think that I am not much different from April Rhodes, a lonely person who is trying to find his or her direction on the world. She may look happy on the outside, but inside her nobody knows. Similarities that I could see between her and me are the ability to hide our sadness with our eccentric and happy-like personality, besides we think money can make us happy and we do not care who we are seeing as long as it is beneficial to us. Guess this shows I am not the only one with that kind of behavior. Therefore, I cried while watching this show for all the right reasons, which is realizing the fact of my life. Revelation can bring tears okie.

So, I have thought to myself. it is time for me to choose to be happy. Hey, life is short; I should cherish it while I still can. Who knows what will happen in the future. Maybe this is my only time to be happy, before all the responsibilities fall on my shoulder once I am a full grown adult. Not that I am saying adult cannot have fun but being young and adult are two different phases in life and each should be given equal treatments. Hehe so, I am going to calm my mind and cleanse myself from all the negative feelings. Maybe settle for yoga to do that. I will be cleansing all body, mind and soul, then reborn as a new person. Maybe find new love later, although I never look for one. I am someone who waits for love to come, not the finder. Love was the reason for my emotional breakdown and now I am going to build myself from love as well. Love for myself. like the quote from Facebook, you still make me smile even when you were the main reason I am sad. That is love to me. It is my source of life although it has brought me great devastation before.

*prepare for happiness*

Random stuffs about movies and life..

Okie, just got inspired to write after watching Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging. One of the things that I always see and agree with is that the beach is the most romantic place and it could be a place for therapy if your heart is ever broken or you are just having a bad day. A lot of good things, in love especially, will be done by the beach. So, for those who wanted great love, have a holiday by the beach then. Haha, random..

Then, is it me or every time something bad happened to the main character, the place will just rain? Hehe, been seeing this a lot in movies. I wonder why when I am down, rain never pours. Hey, I am a star of my own movie. Hehe, self- absorbed critter am I.. Then, you will always get the one you love if you try really hard.. True meh?? Well, I don’t think this is applicable in real world. Sometimes we just have to get that that person is just not into us. Not everyone will get whoever they want. If this thing is so real, then there will be no such things as crushes where you ogle and stalk that particular person and will never, or maybe once in a million years, chance to talk to that person. Hmm.. Movies really are life with extra sugar on those bitter and sour parts.

Oh, must I say, is it me or in movies, everyone from different place is either too hot and everyone wants them or too weird and nobody wants them? That is the pattern I have been seeing in most of the movies. But in real life, I think we just make friend with everyone right? No matter how annoying you are, you will always find someone who could withstand your annoyingness. Hehe, I am speaking through experience.
So, that is my weird blabs about movies and life. Maybe there will be a sequel to this post and it would be worse than this since sequel are mostly bad.. haha, I am just saying.. till later..

*random*

Different things to write about..

Okie, so, I am still in my exam season. Huhu, seeing others who had finished their exam is so depressing. I want to go home early. Not being the last one to finish. Nice schedule, schedule maker. Different story, a friend of mine, fellow blogger had talked to me about how sad and emo-ish my blog is becoming. I noticed the same thing too. Maybe because I could only write better when I am sad. Happiness is not easily described by words but sadness is. So, I must say I write mostly when I am sad. That was the whole reason why my blog sounded sad and emo. So, from now on, I will add those happy stuffs in life too in my blog. Life is not that bad. Like seriously..

So, what had made me happy? Today I shopped for a pair of clothing (how to describe Baju Melayu?) for my sis’s wedding. Okie, it has been a while since I last shop for Baju Melayu. I must say, I like my choice. Haha, vanity. Then, I spent most of the day answering questions in my phone’s inbox. Most of them were on syntax. People, I am not Noy, I don’t have all the answers. I make mistakes sometimes. So, don’t put your full trust on me. Although I am rather proud you guys trusted for that endearing subject I must say. Anyway, you guys help me study subconsciously. Thanks people. I also had gathered some new and old movies in my collection. Watched some of it too. Yaey, I like having a great movie archive. Seriously, I don’t have a life like others who hangs around most of the time with their friends, doing activities and such. I am not that kind of person. I am domestic. Although actually I want to be like that. But I guess I just don’t have anyone to ask around to hang out with. Whatever. I like it this way. I will be the lame friend that everyone has.
Okie, that’s it for now. Later..

*happily terrified*

i feel empty inside..

once i found out about the truth my friend had told me earlier from another friend.. my heart just became empty. all emotion were sucked away and what is left is just a empty space to be filled with who knows what.. maybe sorrows or happiness.. it is my choice.. but for now. it is empty. nothing to fill it with. let fill my brain with studies so that i could forget the emptiness in my heart.

guess you wont be towering in front of me anymore, Tower, since you're going away to USA this August. i wish you all the best and i should say, you gave my life a meaning before. you inspired me and you made life so wonderful just by knowing your existence....

gosh, who am i lying by writing all these flowery words.. what i should say is how shattered is my heart currently when i heard that news. how i lost my drive to do everything. how i cried when i know i will never see you anymore.. how much i want to say my heart out to you.. how i feel like an idiot for liking someone who dont even acknowledge my existence.. that is what i should write about.. about how stupid i am for you.. you made me make a fool of myself.. Gosh, F**k that i love you.. i hate you because i love you so much..without even doing anything.. by just be there for my eyes to see and for my senses to savour..

gosh, i am barely holding on right now.. i am going to stop thinking about you.. for now.. going to focus on something else.. like studies.. why this thing always happened during examination season.. this happened last two years and history is repeating itself..

*angrily sad*